I’m surrounded by passivity inside. Just a constant, “What if?”, “You could just…”, “If only I weren’t a coward, I’d…”.

Tonight it was “what if I owned a gun”. Spent my walk home imagining being gone in an instant. Dissociating myself out of existence. Imagining taking a gun to my head. Imagining pulling the trigger. Omitting the pain- wishful thinking, really- and imagining no longer existing. Imagining the peace of being gone. Being dead.

You know, I haven’t been here in a while. There were a couple of years where I forgot about this place in a good way, and then a couple of years where I […]

Just now, I was still pushing. It’s currently 7:30 PM local time, I started working at 10 AM , and I had the thought;

“Who precisely am I trying to impress, who am I doing this for? There’s no point in pushing this hard.”

So I wrapped it up, finished my task and filled up a water and now I’m writing out  my feelings about it because that is almost a reflex at this point. It’s hard not having a set schedule, after having one for so long. Maybe I needed to say that, just to admit it to myself.

I’m a workaholic. I like the feeling of […]

The “HR” person at my job is my boss’s mom. But she likes to pretend that she isn’t his mom, or that nobody knows they’re related. She has a false sense of authority and power, and it really kinda pisses me off. She lies to us about it with a straight face, and I don’t like that at all. It’s a bad lie, everyone knows anyway, and it’s unfair to expect the rest of us to play along with the sharade.

In the presence of imminent danger, your money doesn’t matter, your status doesn’t matter, your achievements don’t matter. All that matters is how well you’re […]

Got zero idea what I’m doing. Not a clue. I haven’t been able to work on testing because of a stupid supply chain issue. I need it to do pretty much all of my tests except for one. Maybe I could test one side to see how well it does with the “pipes”, but I guess I’m too damn lazy or maybe afraid. I know I can do the bend angle test just fine and I’ll probably so it tonight (maybe). Not looking forward to restringing when I end up snapping a cable. I hope it holds up […]

Human beings are interesting. We hold ourselves back because we put ourselves in the shoes of others and imagine what it would be like to suffer the way they would. And yet, almost everything in this world can be obtained by ignoring that impulse. By abandoning empathy. And all the while holding back, I suffer myself anyway. I don’t have much courage to be evil, but I’m right there along the border, on the other side of veil, waiting for the thing that convinces me to abandon all care and finally cross over.

I daydream about what I’d do to people who say things about me […]

I think a lot about that book I read as a child, The Giver. The main character was special because he had capacity to See Beyond. I feel like that book was prophetic in the way it describes what it feels like trying to break out of society, trying to describe something that goes against what most people understand.

Anyway, I’m not going to start talking like Charles Manson or David Karesh. I’m no prophet. Just some guy with an idea I feel like trying. I felt really strong when the idea was right in front of me; the property was on the market, and enough […]

*Trigger warning-if you’re a sensitive-type of person who is emotional and easily triggered, then it’s probably best to skip my post.*

So as I’m driving, I start hearing Christmas music on various radio channels…I knew it was that time of year again. Some of it is actually really beautiful and they simply don’t create songs like that anymore, so that is a good part of our culture passed down to us.

But I could barely hear it for a few seconds because of the memories it conjures up. It just reminds me of how innocent children really are and the tiny little bubble they live in and […]

Every now and then I get a clear reminder of what I’ve done and who I am, and how everyone else feels about that. I live in this state of denial and emotionally distancing from it the rest of the time. Like I know, factually, what I’ve done. And how horrific everyone feels it is. But that knowledge doesn’t fully connect. I have this emotional shield of rationality, where I disconnect. I detach emotionally.

But sometimes an explicit reminder cuts through, and I remember. I remember what I’ve effectively been trying to bury for 17 years. I remember I don’t want to live in this reality. […]

The city has moods, me and this city have gone round and round. I happen to know a few places where the city will drop things off for me to find when it wants me to find them, and today was a day I got that itch.

Sure enough there it was, a 200-300 dollar keyboard, for $20. Right next to it an $80 amp for $35 so I’m sold and I grab them both. The keyboard is name brand, a Yamaha. The sound is really good. All I had to get was a cord.

The thing about it is this is something I couldn’t get myself […]

The thing is… in my opinion God/Higher power whatever you want to call him, he will put us through things, sometimes unfathomable things that no human could or should have to endure.  I know I’m being pushed to that point knowing the only option is death by our own hands, of course God knows this, he planned it that way. Thus is my view on this subject.  He planned for my sister to die in her sleep after an od.  He planned to take my whole family before me,  I’m the last to go. I’m under 35 years old.

is any time someone put their hand out socially. I couldn’t talk to ppl until I was 28 and when in school I was as quiet as a mouse particularly secondary school. That could have been paranoia about stuttering. I stuttered until the age of 15, stuttering is a **** of a condition and any stutterer would have my deepest empathy. As a stutterer I thought the world revolved around my stuttering, it was only when I came to the greatest realisation in life -‘nobody cares’ that my speech became fluent. I found it hard to make friends in school but eventually made friends then […]

I’m currently about to wright my last letter just incase this is it and i wanted to get some thoughts. I already took the sercurity lock off my phone and i have a plan. This is all contingent on a few things, i won’t get into detail. Anyhow I’m just thinking of what needs to be said in my own words and also who will get my car ect. Im dealing with something that is way to much to bare also I’m just under 35 years old and all my immediate family has already past on including my only sister who past away in her […]

I’m sitting here watching “Bizarre Deaths #9.” Add that to the list of murder/death/true crime/morbid shows I watch.

Idk why I like watching that kind of stuff, but I apparently do. Am I a sick puppy? Sometimes it feels like it.

Anyone else into morbid shows/activities? What’s the most morbid thing you’ve watched or done?

it’s very quiet at this coast, not a lot of people on friday. a few people jump from here every year or so, can’t say how many exactly because their deaths are not always reported, the accidental ones always are though, perhaps they’re more interesting? more valuable?

do you ever talk to someone and so harshly reminded that you’re an utterly inferior human? without them even trying? i go through that a lot. what you feel is what you manifest in the real world right?

reading about these people who “miraculously” survived isn’t very comforting, i believe they must hit rock much sooner and tumbled to the […]

I wasted my teenage years on fear. Anxiety, avoidance, isolation. Missed all the opportunities to grow and develop as a person. Went to college barely more socially capable than an average 11-year-old. Became even more isolated, even more crippled by anxiety. Dropped out, and gave in to depression, addiction. Wasted my early 20s on that. More fear, more isolation. Only this time without hope of a way out. Lost any sense of who I was. Guilt, shame, despair.

With a lot of help from my family, tried to pull things together a few times in my mid-20s. Finally got a dead-end job, still living with parents. […]

-Some ppl do not post- which is fine- I lurk at many other sites- but SP feels so dead- feels like so few ppl post or comment. I would really love for ppl to comment more.
-Also, when ppl do post, sometimes it’s so long it’s hard to follow or read it all or understand the BIG picture (I’m guilty of that too). It seems ppl only read/understand from post to post and not the MAIN issue someone has.

In a few sentences, what is your main issue?
Why are you depressed?

We all have to cross that bridge and for some it’s sooner rather then later. I’m just preparing myself for what’s going to happen at the time I choose to exit this God forsaken world. Mentally. It’s a challenge but I guess il just have to find out when it’s time.  I’m dealing with something that has pushed me so far over my breaking point that I can’t see straight. Everyday I’m in a hase, not sleeping but a couple hours a night. Not eating, barley. I just can’t wait for it to be over.  I’ve heard from many people with near death experiences who […]

So I’m fucked financially. It’s too late in the game to apply for anything and even then most ask for applicants that are looking for 1 year minimum of support. Extending by a semester would have been nice to do before the semester’s about to end. Could get a loan. Not a good idea. Can’t apply for a federal loan cause I’m only doing 1 credit hour so I don’t count as even a part time student. Private loans seem like a deal with the devil. My absolute last choice would be to ask my parents. The mentioned […]

not sure I believe, not sure it matters. Thursday afternoon my boss and her boss pulled me into an office and gave me my walking papers, I was shaking. I asked why a couple times and they couldn’t give me a reason. Seriously, it was just that I was still on probation, and they don’t have to give me a reason. It wasn’t disciplinary. Sign here, hand in your equipment, this had never happened to me like this.

Past two days I’ve been trying to live in this reality. I’m not suicidal about it, at all. Not even that mad. Other people are more mad than […]

I blocked most of the contacts in my phone yesterday.  There are a few of them that I need for the next month and a half, but I decided to block everybody I didn’t need to contact for work or family.  It would raise too much suspicion If I didn’t respond to them.  I deleted my Facebook account too.  It was the only social media presence I had, but I erased that part of myself as well.  I hadn’t posted on it in months, and I can’t stand that crap anymore.  It was weird doing this stuff yesterday, because it felt like the first steps […]