So i still have a couple of hours before i end it, and I’m actually so afraid of dying alone, and what the hell will happen after death? I know i have to force myself to go through with this, at least i know it will be an almost peaceful way to go. Fuck, i wish someone would be by my side.

A plane crash tragic as it is seldom gets my attention but there was something about Air France flight 447 that got my attention. The transcript of the accident recovered from the black box and the cold critical analysis of aviation experts paralleled my own battle with Suicidality.  Due to icy weather conditions the autopilot was turned off and the most inexperienced pilot was in control of the plane and flew the plane upwards until it started to stall and lose momentum and then crash into the deep murky waters of the Atlantic ocean at 3am.  An aviation expert made a very good point that […]

Wouldn’t you like for this life, this world to be much more exciting? Why don’t people do anything for this? What would it take?

I know this site is anonymous and that’s why everyone’s on it. But…wouldn’t it be curious what we all look like? Like I imagine we all pass each other on the streets, never realizing this person or that person has depression, or is suicidal.

OR on the flip side, see a stranger IRL and automatically know their story, their true self, and not the face they show to the world.

Why is writing a letter so tough??
I don’t know what to tell my family. I hate to do this to them, but I don’t see any hope for my life. I don’t want to die alone, but its either this, or feeling like this every day. I don’t even remember my life without anxiety and depression, it feels like this became my personality now.
I hope I won’t fail tomorrow.

I’m afraid of good things. I support good things and encourage good things between others but I feel like a fraud. I’ve never done good things for myself until just recently and it feels strange. I get “the ick” if that makes sense (probably doesn’t). I sometimes want to help people but stop myself because I’m afraid they may think I’m trying to be their friend and maybe I am but I’m not sure I really am. I find myself holding back what I can only describe as a “life force or energy”.

The other day at work, I allowed myself to be seen. The tenseness […]

Okay, Tuesday is going to be stressful, potentially. That’s my initial lead into the day, is that everything is always a maybe.  We prep for the worst, then hope it doesn’t happen. Sometimes it doesn’t!

The worst would be me imploding at work. I don’t know if I could come back from that, as generous as the people around me are. I don’t want to find out because the shame would be more agony than whatever they did to me.

I’m on front desk duty this week, the frontline defense of our department. I deescalate and present bad news as not so bad on a regular day, […]

Yeah, specifically when a lot of the people around you are doing the wrong things and all that, those in positions of authority and those apparently older than you, those who have more “know how” or whatever the heck, it just really sucks a bunch of the time to come across such circumstances in which people both don’t know what they are doing and refuse to admit that, kind of leading others astray with them. I really hate it. When things like taking into consideration what you eat alongside exercise aren’t the norm and people don’t necessarily pay too much attention to what they put […]

One of the most prominent undercurrents in my neurosis is fear of cruelty. Within myself. Within our species. Within the whole natural world.

The most recent manifestation: a morbid fascination with cannibalism. Turns out, remarkably common in pre-modern times. Especially in tropical zones, and particularly within island cultures.

I was aware of “emergency cannibalism”, in times of extreme famine. Horrific, but understandable, given severe enough hunger pains and desperation to survive. You’ll find it throughout history and across the world, from medieval England to 19th century China and Ukraine during the Holodomor. When people are pushed into terrible enough circumstances, the moral inhibitions of a proportion of […]

another of my attempts at poetry, we’ll see

The woman who lived was a singular soul

neither young or old, eternal and ephemeral at the same time

She walks in shadows I can no longer reach

She languishes in lonely and desolate places

Yet they leave no mark on her

She lives, but for how long?

The woman who lived, many roles has played, many ways I’ve seen.

She is not ordinary.

I loved her once, and then I learned to appreciate her another way, a familial love.

We only have the people that will show up. Not the people we want to show up, the people who actually do.

The woman who lived stands in […]

Nothing like screwing ourselves royally, eh?

Couldn’t really pick a title so I chose both. Got 2 things on my mind.

I’m oddly content and I don’t know why. My situation hasn’t changed at all. Still going to flunk. Still don’t know what 2025 looks like. Still the same dumb ass who can’t even build a robot. But I’m still going at it. Spent all day in lab. Had so many issues that wanted me to smash me skull against a brick wall. But I still had some strange satisfaction when something went ok. Thinking CLARA actually looked decent. […]

it should come soon (i say for the hundredth time so like who actually cares). this is a new low. i’ve never felt so scared and panicked.

I think I have to end it soon. I don’t want to live at all, but I also don’t really want to die. I’m 26 without a degree, working in retail which was okay, but since a lot of people quit, the new environment is so toxic I feel extremely nauseous every time I have to go there. So I basically told everyone I will quit in December but I have no other plans, I’m not educated enough to get a better job, and I have anxiety and meltdowns whenever there’s a change in my life, I have no idea what my problem is, never […]

What do y’all do when you get in your head? When you isolate because you don’t want to bother someone, even if they tell you they don’t mind. It’s arrogant to think I know their own feelings better than them but I can’t release the thought that they really don’t want to spend time with me, even if they say they do. I certainly am not doubtful that they are doing their best to tell the truth, but I cannot see a good reason why I should stop being invisible. It’s the easy way out, and it’s even easier to rationalize.

Advice, opinions, and thoughts are […]

I’ve been drifting for so long now. Half my life. I wish I had some sense of clarity or consistency. Any kind of purpose to keep me going. Like, what the fuck am I doing here? What am I living for? I’m not trying to find a relationship. I’m not that interested in making friends. I don’t really enjoy other people’s company . To the extent that I have career goals, I don’t really care whether or not I get there. I don’t get much pleasure from any of my hobbies or interests. I have no drive.

The only reasons not to kill myself are not […]

3rd therapy session today. Got more into it. Our conversations seem to have an odd flow to them. Sometimes I don’t know how we get from A to D. He seemed more combative this time. More willing to push back against me. Usually when a therapist does that it annoys me, but with this guy I want to try and push back. Argue for my point. He did admit as much that he was more argumentative. I said I was fine with it. That I’m curious. I live in my head probably 90% of […]

As I write this, I can’t help but laugh at how the title could be uplifting if written a different way. However, this post isn’t like that. I’ve come to the realization I don’t want to compete in this giant rat race called life. I don’t want to live long enough waiting for this body to decay. I just want out. I have grown to hate the mortal experience and if cursed to re-incarnate, let me come back as something unable to comprehend itself.

Life is just one big game of Monopoly where the most selfish person is the winner because no amount of sugarcoating will […]