I don’t know where to start. All i know is at 29 i should be further in my life than this. I’ve had SEVERE anxiety issues since i was in elementary school. I had to quit school and get my GED because of it. I went to cosmetology school and didn’t take my test because i was too nervous and was scared i was going to make an a** out of myself. Anyway, my dad who has cancer pays my rent. They denied me for food stamps so i have no food and no way to pay my bills. I’ve tried to work but because of my social anxiety, GAD and clinical depression has always leaded me to quit!! I have no children and no boyfriend. At this point i’m also struggling with my sexuality. I have no interest in any man what so ever!!! My sister whom was 14 in 2000 died in a car accident. We had an apartment together and she was my best friend, daughter and sister all in one. It was great to feel atleast needed when she was here. I blame myself for not being there and blame myself often for her dying. The guilt makes my heart literally hurt and leaves me breathless. I miss her so much i could just vomit!! I don’t see any hope. Every time i try to get out i have severe panic attacks!! I’ve had them since i was 15 and i take way too much xanax which i get from my dad. I tried to go back to college but i still have a $800 loan from my last school i have to pay before i can do that. I’ve lost all hope. My mom, my dad and bro are all sick of me!! I’m at the point where the depression is so bad it’s a struggle to get out of bed to use the bathroom!!!! I really believe within me that people would be better off without me here. The suicidal thoughts are what get me through the day! That i can actually escape all the feelings of heartache, guilt and worthlessness. I really hate myself. I have no talent, no intelligence and no life! Can anyone relate to panic attacks and clinical depression destroying their lives?!!!
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3 comments
Dear Hopeless,
I am sorry that you are suffering so much. I understand the struggle to get out of bed and the despair over not accomplishing certain goals according to a timeline. Please know that people would be devastated if you hurt yourself. An acquaintance of mine committed suicide over a decade ago, and I can’t stop thinking about that. I did not know him well (and he seemed to be the life of the party), and I feel such pain when I think of his suffering. Please try not to be so hard on yourself regarding your struggles. You have enough to deal with without the pressure to be a certain way by a particular age. Just my two cents.
you shouldn’t blame yourself for her dying- you had no control over that. you have to find a release of somehow (obviously one that doesn’t include taking your life). start a project of some sort. volunteer for a charity. doign something that makes you feel needed and appreciated will help you with your feeling of hopelessness.
Sincerely,
Peaches
i hear you… we have a lot in common. i didnt finish school because of my anxiety, but still never got my ged. i cant even work right now because of my anxiety. im pretty much a 21 yr bum living of my parents.. it sucks its hard for me to even drive a car. and i hear u on not being able to get out of bed.. theres days where ill literaly spend almost 24 hrs without stepping a foot out of bed.. a suggestion to u would be dont go to crazy with the xanax cuz that shit will get u addicted, i dont take xanax anymore.. but my best advice i could give u is try to eat healthy as possible, and get plenty of exercise.. i mean a lot of exercise, get in shape and do a lot of cardio workouts.. try goin for long jogs.. for me i got up to running 6 miles a day and do boxing workout at a gym until i got injured resulting in a lot of anxiety and deppresion.. i found all that to work a thousand times better than any medication did.. anyway, i hope your still alive 🙂 and good luck… and just say fuck it and just do it no matter how bad u feel.. and ill stop rambling now:) buh bye