[I WARN YOU NOW THIS IS LONG]
I’ll explain the tite in a minute. I’ve researched about suicide, understood all the facts. Yet I’m a hypocryte. I apoligise for that but here’s how I am: I’ll use as much logic and try to keep polite to get my point across if I’m trying to make or keep someone reletivy happy. But when it comes to myself. I can’t help but be as pesstimistic as possible.
Now about the title- One thing I heard that helps is getting your problems out. But I don’t trust some people and others I don’t want to worry. So I post it online. First journal was too public and I got shouted at for wanting to leave a load of people behind and labeled selfish. Others said I was just attention seeking. Then the 2nd one I tried to make private.. but I learned a few friends who I don’t want to be worried could read it. So it got deleted. Now I’m here. 18 years old. Stuck in Liverpool without anyone to trust. Yes I know people and I do care for them but after finding what they said about me I know not to trust them. Plus the people who I thought I was close friends with all lied to me. They either said it to be polite or to get rid of me. (I know it doesn’t really make sence. But I’m doing my best to explain. Sorry.)
It all started when I moved into this city. I was 10. My parents started changing and I ended up in alot of fights with my sisters. What really got me was my dad hitting me and shaking me for spilling a drink. The thing was when he did that was already cleaning up. More shit occured when I entered high school. I hoped that I wouldn’t get attention so I kept my mouth shut. It didn’t work. My twin and I became well known for being quiet, twins, from the south of England (basically with ‘posh accents’ ) and ginger hair. This scared the hell out of us. People from different years knew who we were. Full names, ages whatever a typical friend shouolod of known. Speaking of friends. The ones I had then bullied us. My sister more but they got to both of us. What upset my sister though was that two particular girls who were in all my classes bullied me. I didn’t really care about that fact because they were both unpopular and lacked respect. I did care though that one of them used to be my best friend and stabbed me in the back. Then a eventually all my friends from that school did the same thing. Betrayed me and my sister. What didn’t help was the fights that happened everyday. Including teachers. And the popular kids labeled as ‘A listers’ aimed balls, stones, bottles, fireworks.. anything they could throw/shoot at us. To me this was unrealistic and ridiculous.
But during those times I didn’t feel suicidal.
At the begginging of year 9 we changed schools. This one was alot better and smaller. We made friends and got along very well with the teachers.. but eventually. shit struck again. My grades fell abit and the year head believed it was because I lacked effort. (Just to quickly mention now we are geeks. And yes we like being geeks) Later they learn I put 100% effort into all my work so they believed I was stressed. I was stressed. But not about work. More about my friends. They started excluding my twin and I. And one particular girl in the group (who wasn’t very liked) thought abusing us was okay. She did get in shit with the boys everytime they caught her doing it. But this was more proof that I did something stupid and dragged my sister down with me.
At this point I attempted inhaleing a spray, hanging myself, and overdosing.
My parents do know I’ve tried suicide. But will never take me seriously. Both have hit me before. But both haveseriously harmed my sister. (And anyoen hurting my sister pisses me off) My dad dragged her up the stairs by her legs. before we moved to Liverpool (So this was under the age of 10) and my mum threw her into the side of a chair. I have no idea if she feels suicidal but I do know that she really hates our parents. I just don’t like them. And before anyone says this yes I am meant to be moving out soon (because of them and because of my youngest sister who [to put bluntly] is a little shit. I cannot list all the things she has done to upset my other sister and I but I can say now it’s a dark list) however I can’t afford to move out on my own and the two people who offered to move in with me have lied to my back already. And in my opinion are not taking the moving out idea very seriously.
I understand I just ranted quite a long story. I’m doing this because I haven’t managed to let my hurt out for a long time. One other reason is because when I was 12, an old friend of mine said this after I complained about something: ‘Noone cares about your whining shit. You’re just attention seeking.’
Btw looking back from today to when I started attempting suicide I have now also tried to slit my throat (I got caught and I can’t kill myself infrom of particular people), Jumping of a cliff (I got pulled back by my twin. Who knows about my suicidal thoughts) and suffication (I need help for that to work) and since last year I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how to kill myself. Right now I want to either shoot myself or jump from a tall building. Why? Because the new friends I gained last year have commented on how they’re cba talking to me and would rather talk to other friends who talked to me(they all did the same thing here.. but with other friends) plus I failed school (3 c-d grades means nothing apparently) and I’m a talentless, useless, annoying, ugly obese person who is really wasting her life away trying to make a life.
Btw you really don’t have to comment. I can’t imagine any positive reply what would stop me form this. I can imagine anger. You can get pissed with me. You can shout at me. I know what I’ve said is very harsh and in the words I used a bit selfish. And please don’t tell me god will help me. Because if there is a god I know I’m going to hell.
If you have read this I thank you for giving me your attention and apoligise for making you see me turn into a right *****. ._.;
12 comments
Unlike many people I do not agree that suicidal thoughts makes you selfish. I’m sorry you have so much on your shoulders I know what its like. I also know what it’s like to have backstabbing friends. They’re such jerks. It seems like they hang around just to find something to gossip about. Even though you “failed” school you can still do many things to turn your life around. You could write a book about your childhood. You can go to college. It doesn’t have to be a 4 year university, just something that will get you some sort of degree so you can earn more money and move out and take your sister with you. The way to get back at your shitty life is to turn and spit in it’s face by being successful.
well to tell you the truth… i do feel like you, ive been through the same kind of shit as you, with friends, families and parents. eveyday the same shit, the same sorrow and gloomy sigh on my face, my 19, i’ll be 20 in two months. i live alone in a new country, thought that it would make my pain go, but no… depression and thoughts of suicide still lingers in this twisted brain of mine. why cnt i do it! becuz my granma commited suicide when my dad was 8, that did create a trauma… i cnt do it yet… i cnt be selfish…even being all alone in a new city where no one know me, and even the one who does cast stones at my back.
But You are not alone my friend, you have a twin sister. she loves you. if you go, she will be all alone… think about that. i agree with pyro c “The way to get back at your shitty life is to turn and spit in it’s face by being successful.” a lot of people have told me im a worthless piece of shit and before dying i would like to make then eat there own words.
I understand, because I’ve come very close to ending my life. Though my life is far from perfect, I’m grateful that I’ve experienced things I never would have. Things that I didn’t even know existed.
If you are to the point where you can’t cope with the pain, think of something you’ve always wanted to do, but never have done. Something from your heart that you’ve desired. Then, do it. You have nothing to fear now. Do the things you haven’t allowed yourself to do. Some will work, some wont, but do them so you know what they are like.
yeah, i definitely agree with the above comment.
it’s pretty crazy how cruel people can be.
but just remember, you’re never alone, there’s people all over feeling the same way you do.
and i know i’m a hypocrite cos i’ve thought about it and i’ve tried it, but just stay strong.
you’ve obviously been strong enough to survive all the horrible things that have happened to you already, and i know you’ll be strong enough to face whatever else comes your way.
don’t listen to people who say you’re just an attention getter – they’re screwed up in the head.
look for ways to deal with your hurt – like you did by posting this blog.
it’s a good thing to let things out; keep doing it.
and just remember how strong you are: look at what you’ve been through.
🙂
I think the only problem that u have bro .. is your sister ..
if you killed your self .. who will watch out for her .. your sadistic parents .. your back stabing friends .. no body .. only you .. the one who can watch out for her when the shit goes down … so .. make it your GOAL .. study in some university or whatever … just to get her out of that hell ….. that you call HOME ..!
Don’t think your selfish for the suicidle thoughts you have they’re your thoughts and you’re entitled to them. Maybe look at doing a course at college you’ll find people there are more friendly as most actually want to be there and many are less immature then at school. My sister had a few problems during her school year and i only found out that she contemplated suicide when i read it in an old notebook that ended up with my things. She went to college but then went to university and had so many problems with other people she refused to go back after a term she’s now engaged and has just had a baby. She turned her back on all the people making her life miserable and has her life back on track. There are other options if you want to move out of home look at shared housing or getting help from the council for renting a place but don’t be afraid to live on your own or with your sister, sometimes a bit of independence can help and it will get you away from home. First tackle the practical bits then you can start on the rest.
Suicide isn’t selfish. It’s the last resort for anyone is is in pain. And don’t worry, I won’t say God will help you. xx I didn’t think you were a ***** because I’ve been in the same situation as you. I know what it’s like to have so called friends turn on you. It happened to me for 8 years at school. But I’m glad to say that I’m now 21 and completely away from them all. I don’t know how much comfort I can offer you, but I can say that there is light at the end of your tunnel. You will be able to move on from this and you will be able to live a far better life. I agree with Pyro. There are some things you can do to turn it all around. I went to college and it worked for me. You could try that or university. You’re close to your twin, so take her with you.
All my love, Jack. xx
Oh, how I know the feelings that you are having…You are not alone…I am feeling the same way right now. But this is not about me, it’s about you…
I understand the PURE HATRED that you have in your heart…And if you can, you need to validate those feeling…
It’s so sad that people abuse other people just to make them feel better…
And you know what? The people that abused you, was once abused themselves…And yet, they were to weak to break the cycle…And there is you now…So strong to break the cycle…Please forgive their sickness…I know its hard when HATE stands in your way…But some where in your soul, reached way down and try to forgive them…Don’t let their sickness get in the way of their happiness…
Validate that HATE, it’s alright…Try to forgive the weak as you to once too be forgiven…
Take Care, please…
Pam
You are definitly not a *****. You have gone through so much its almost unbelievable. You actually are my hero. You’ve been in the same environnement for so long that you moving out might be exactly what you need. And you arent an attention seeking person despite what your “old friend” said. Any kind of hurt and pain that you feel, you should be able to talk about it. Please dont kill yourself. I feel like killing myself too. I know you dont know me and cant possibly imagine why im telling you that since I dont know you. I might not be able to identify with alot of the things you went through. But I am 17, I know what its like not to have anybody to talk to, and wanting to not be alive anymore. You have so much courage and strenght and moving out will make things look up for you. Life has alot of bad.. but it also has a lot more good and beautiful things… they are just hard to see.
Actually, I don’t really see anything bitchy about your post at all. I think it’s like reading a story, even though you know the plot and that the hero must win in the end, you would never think it is pointless and a waste of time to read how they started and what they did to get to the end.
I think right now, I’m reading the beginning of the story and rooting for the heroines. Except this time, even though I’m hoping for them to win, I don’t know how the story will end.
Lidi jsou svinÄ›, nema smysl kvůli nim umÃrat.
People are bunch of useless bastards, there is no reason why to die for them.
Wow… no one’s posted for a while….
I don’t think you’re a *****. You are simply stating how you feel, and how you want to deal with it. I am so, so sorry that that’s the kind of life you have to live.
I, to some extent, can understand a little of what you’re going through.
I really do want to say, though, that I think that suicide is not the best choice. All that shows is that you were not ready to handle life.
I think that you should try and rise above all of those people who constantly put you down. They deserve hell, and nothing less. You seem so strong to have put up with this all this time…
If you ever want to talk, my email is blackswan1661@gmail.com