[I WARN YOU NOW THIS IS LONG]
I’ll explain the tite in a minute. I’ve researched about suicide, understood all the facts. Yet I’m a hypocryte. I apoligise for that but here’s how I am: I’ll use as much logic and try to keep polite to get my point across if I’m trying to make or keep someone reletivy happy. But when it comes to myself. I can’t help but be as pesstimistic as possible.
Now about the title- One thing I heard that helps is getting your problems out. But I don’t trust some people and others I don’t want to worry. So I post it online. First journal was too public and I got shouted at for wanting to leave a load of people behind and labeled selfish. Others said I was just attention seeking. Then the 2nd one I tried to make private.. but I learned a few friends who I don’t want to be worried could read it. So it got deleted. Now I’m here. 18 years old. Stuck in Liverpool without anyone to trust. Yes I know people and I do care for them but after finding what they said about me I know not to trust them. Plus the people who I thought I was close friends with all lied to me. They either said it to be polite or to get rid of me. (I know it doesn’t really make sence. But I’m doing my best to explain. Sorry.)
It all started when I moved into this city. I was 10. My parents started changing and I ended up in alot of fights with my sisters. What really got me was my dad hitting me and shaking me for spilling a drink. The thing was when he did thatÂ was already cleaning up. More shit occured when I entered high school. I hoped that I wouldn’t get attention so I kept my mouth shut. It didn’t work. My twin and I became well known for being quiet, twins, from the south of England (basically with ‘posh accents’ ) and ginger hair. This scared the hell out of us. People from different years knew who we were. Full names, ages whatever a typical friend shouolod of known. Speaking of friends. The ones I had then bullied us. My sister more but they got to both of us. What upset my sister though was that two particular girls who were in all my classes bullied me. I didn’t really care about that fact because they were both unpopular and lacked respect. I did care though that one of them used to be my best friend and stabbed me in the back. Then a eventually all my friends from that school did the same thing. Betrayed me and my sister. What didn’t help was the fights that happened everyday. Including teachers. And the popular kids labeled as ‘A listers’ aimed balls, stones, bottles, fireworks.. anything they could throw/shoot at us. To me this was unrealistic and ridiculous.
But during those times I didn’t feel suicidal.
At the begginging of year 9 we changed schools. This one was alot better and smaller. We made friends and got along very well with the teachers.. but eventually. shit struck again. My grades fell abit and the year head believed it was because I lacked effort. (Just to quickly mention now we are geeks. And yes we like being geeks) Later they learn I put 100% effort into all my work so they believed I was stressed. I was stressed. But not about work. More about my friends. They started excluding my twin and I. And one particular girl in the group (who wasn’t very liked) thought abusing us was okay. She did get in shit with the boys everytime they caught her doing it. But this was more proof that I did something stupid and dragged my sister down with me.
At this point I attempted inhaleing a spray, hanging myself, and overdosing.
My parents do know I’ve tried suicide. But will never take me seriously. Both have hit me before. But both haveseriously harmed my sister. (And anyoen hurting my sister pisses me off) My dad dragged her up the stairs by her legs. before we moved to Liverpool (So this was under the age of 10) and my mum threw her into the side of a chair. I have no idea if she feels suicidal but I do know that she really hates our parents. I just don’t like them. And before anyone says this yes I am meant to be moving out soon (because of them and because of my youngest sister who [to put bluntly] is a little shit. I cannot list all the things she has done to upset my other sister and I but I can say now it’s a dark list) however I can’t afford to move out on my own and the two people who offered to move in with me have lied to my back already. And in my opinion are not taking the moving out idea very seriously.
I understand I just ranted quite a long story. I’m doing this because I haven’t managed to let my hurt out for a long time. One other reason is because when I was 12, an old friend of mine said this after I complained about something: ‘Noone cares about your whining shit. You’re just attention seeking.’
Btw looking back from today to when I started attempting suicide I have now also tried to slit my throat (I got caught and I can’t kill myself infrom of particular people), Jumping of a cliff (I got pulled back by my twin. Who knows about my suicidal thoughts) and suffication (I need help for that to work) and since last year I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how to kill myself. Right now I want to either shoot myself or jump from a tall building. Why? Because the new friends I gained last year have commented on how they’re cba talking to me and would rather talk to other friends who talked to me(they all did the same thing here.. but with other friends) plus I failed school (3 c-d grades means nothing apparently) and I’m a talentless, useless, annoying, ugly obese person who is really wasting her life away trying to make a life.
Btw you really don’t have to comment. I can’t imagine any positive reply what would stop me form this. I can imagine anger. You can get pissed with me. You can shout at me. I know what I’ve said is very harsh and in the words I used a bit selfish. And please don’t tell me god will help me. Because if there is a god I know I’m going to hell.
If you have read this I thank you for giving me your attention and apoligise for making you see me turn into a right *****. ._.;