Always “predicted” at a certain age…

For as long as I can remember, I always thought that I’d live a shorter life than most people.  I’m not sure why.  But, it’s generally been a thought that has sit with me for many years.  I even had a particular age that would  come to mind.  Well, I’m that age this year.

So, I look at my life now and realize that I have several circumstances that are rather distressing.  Certainly, many people would say that “life for you is not over” and that I have many options, many good qualities, things will work out, etc.  True, people would also realize that I have some circumstances that are distressing: a new and ongoing illness that impacts me greatly, no job after many years of a growing career, I now must live with family to survive, etc.  What adds to my distress is that about 4 – 5 years ago I really liked someone.  But, they didn’t want a relationship with me.  They weren’t ready.  Then, they became interested in me this past year (while I was actually with someone else).  Then, most recently, I became single and available.  But, this person is going throughs some personal challenges and isn’t wanting a relationship with anyone right now.  This change of heart seemed to occur rather quickly.  So, I’ve twice been “rejected” by a person I really care about – who is one of those few people I’ve had very strong feelings for.  So, I’m dealing with several issues.  Suicide has come to my mind many times over the years, especially during times when I’ve felt alone, rejected and hopeless.  But, this time I have so many other challenges.  And, these challenges just can’t be wished away — they can’t be resolved by just thinking happy thoughts.  At the same time, many people live with with challenges and don’t dwell on the negatives.  If we dwell on the negatives and isolate ourselves, we will surely see only the negatives and encourage depression.

I’m just wondering if anyone else ever thought that they’d live a short life – or that there was a specific age that might be their last year.  I’m not saying that it IS a guarantee that this year will be my last year.  But, I do realize that this IS that year – and that I have several circumstances that are tough, some of which do not show signs of improving (health & job).  And, I must add that I didn’t always think that suicide would be involved.  I sometimes thought it’d be a heart attack or something else.  So, it’s not all about suicide and circumstances.  It’s just that I’m at that age… and I can’t help but think about some things going on in my life right now.  So, I just get very curious as to it all.