If Something Can Make You Smile

Yes, hate the cliches.
Three years ago I made a mistake that cost me several close friendships, most of my trust in humanity, and a lot of my emotional strength. It was hard at the time, and I came close to ending my life twice. It took a long time, but eventually I got through it. It left scars though. On the outside I’m happy and confident. What literally nobody realizes is that on the inside I am so incredibly insecure and have a desperate need to be liked and included (born of certain experiences in middle school – but that’s a different story). The result is that people tend to expect me to just always be alright. On the rare occasion that I try to express myself because I’m upset I either get overlooked or they assume I’m being over-dramatic.
What’s brought me here now is that I’ve made the same kind of mistake. Over a year ago I began talking to my roommate and best friend’s ex. There was nothing gong on between us, we were just talking from time to time. This led to us hanging out from time to time. We decided to keep it from her, as well as everyone else, because of the social-stigma associated with the friend hanging out with the ex. Again, we weren’t doing anything wrong, we’d just become unlikely friends. Moreover, because he has the same kind of trust issues I do, we learned to lean on each other a bit. He moved back home in October and we really haven’t talked since.
I don’t know how, but she’s just found out that we were talking. She doesn’t believe that we haven’t slept together. I understand she’s angry of course. I knew at the time I shouldn’t be keeping it from her, but I did it anyway.
If it was this alone, I could handle it. It’s the way I know she’s going to handle it that I can’t. She’s not the type to “talk things out.” She also has the unfortunate personality trait of feeling that she is always right, and everyone else is always wrong. It’s always been a source of conflict for us. So here’s what will happen: she won’t talk to me, and at the end of the month we will go back to school. She will isolate me from herself, our other roommates, and friends by telling them what a horrible ***** I am and all the things I’ve supposedly done. I have other friends, yes. But it comes back to my need for inclusion. I’m far from an attention-whore, but I associate being left out with being disliked, and feeling disliked leads to a bout of depression. I draw my strength from my friends. It’s how I get through every day, always has been. So when the people I love and live with act like I don’t matter or even exist, I have no more source of strength.
To put the cherry on top, the guy, the ex, gets none of the blame because he’s in therapy. He gets to say, “I’m sorry for the way I acted everybody, I am an alcoholic and it led me to make some bad choices, but I’m getting help now.” Not that I’m not proud of him for getting the help he needed, but I’m also so incredibly angry that he gets none of the blame when he was half of the “forbidden” friendship.
So there’s my sad little story. Congrats to you, or anybody, if you even read it all.