Failed..and undeserving..

I’ve read quite a few stories on here and found it helpful to put my own issues into perspective.  It hurts to read how many people are suffering.  I wish there was something I could do to help…but I can barely help myself.  Every setback or failure makes me feel like I’m ready to let go…and every success or good thing makes me feel undeserving and on the verge of failure.  It’s so difficult to see that things do get better.  Especially when you’ve been alone for such a very long time and you know you’re not typical or normal or not sure you’re worth it.  I can’t talk about this to my family or friends because no one really understands and it hurts to say that I’m a breath away from depression.  That I’ve gone thru the motions for so long…that I’m not sure when it started to feel insincere.  It felt safer to stand on the edge of the abyss staring into darkness, letting the sadness take me away, than hoping it would get better…the ascent to get back to normal was an unending battle.  To look at me, you’d never know the blackness I’ve faced, the entire childhood I barely remember I once asked my abuser why, without apology she replied “because I was unhappy with my life”.  I think it hurt more to find out the why was so small, why out of 4 children you were the only one to be beaten constantly, that it always felt like you were punished for having allergies which made her life more difficult.

Do we ever get over the bad things that happen to us?  Can it be forgotten or why can’t I let it go?

You’d miss the scars, it’s so natural to turn your arms inward and wear long sleeves, I’ve relapsed but not when I’ve expected to relapse.  I failed at something that meant alot to me, and now I’m back to struggling…but when life doesn’t give and everything is heavy…is when I stop feeling and start cutting to feel…and I don’t want to go back to that place because it was an addiction that was very hard to stop…as one cut was never enough…