Daily I think about suicide, but I don’t act on it. It’s just that, combined with school, discovering my sexuality, my appearance and family problems, I don’t know what else to do. Every time I think about this, I think I’m being irrational, but I still can’t help the urge to do it. One thing that really led me to this was discovering I was sexually attracted to girls. Being a girl myself, I find this very hard to understand, due to the fact that I’ve had crushes on guys in the past.
When I think back on it now, sometimes I wonder whether this was just due to the fact that they were attractive, and I didn’t know about everything I do now. There’s this one particular girl that I’ve known for three years now, and been in the same class with her for the past two years, and I can’t help but really like her.
I understand that she’s straight, but it’s very hard to control my feelings and hide it from everybody. I mean I don’t know how to tell anyone, especially my parents. I want to tell them every day about how I feel about girls, but every time, I find an excuse for myself not to.
I just don’t want to say this, and find that it was only my curiosity, and for it to pass. I know they’d never hate me for it, but I know they’d definitely be disappointed, and I don’t think I can handle that. Also my baba (grandmother) and dida (grandfather) mean the world to me, and I couldn’t live with myself if they didn’t accept me. I know that they have a gay son, and potentially lesbian daughter of their own, but with my uncle, they try to ignore the fact that he has been in a relationship with a man for over twenty years now.
I’m only vaguely sure of this name, as I’ve only met him once from memory, but then again I can’t really remember him very well, because it was quite some years ago that this happened. He never comes to family events with my uncle, and I know this is because of my dida, even though no one actually says this.
My mum and I often talk about cute guys from shows or someone who’s passing by, and I feel wrong whenever I agree with her that a guy is good looking. Yes, I do agree with her, but I feel absolutely nothing physically or sexually for them.
Let’s say I see a really pretty girl walk pass, and I find her extremely good looking, but I can’t tell my mum this, in fear of her reaction.
Another thing is my schooling. I hate going every day, as I find it both very hard and it only adds to my already great amount of stress. I don’t understand many things, I fail my tests, and I hate it when the teachers yell if someone does something wrong. I hate it when people yell and start a conflict. I constantly find ways to try and get out of it, but my mum has learnt this, and will make me go to school anyway.
My appearance is another challenge for me. I’m not fat, but I know I am slightly overweight, making me very self-conscious even though many people don’t realise this. I try really hard to change my ways, and exercise more, and also eat healthier food. I’m around 5’5 – 5’6, and weigh between 70 – 71kg. I’m over the healthy weight range, but I find very hard to change my daily routine.
I try and go out more with my soccer, and practice daily for a women’s team, and I am the youngest. I want to get better, but I always find an excuse to lazily sit on the computer and read or write, not getting active. I can blame this on the heat where I live, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m barely bothering to improve in my weight.
It’s hard, since I don’t know how to tell her what I’m going through, and it’s torturing me. I think that if I just killed myself, then all the pain would go away. Then I think about my family and friends, and I just can’t do it, no matter how hard I try to. I don’t want them to suffer because I was too selfish to face my own fears. I love my parents, brother, grandparents and cousins dearly, and I don’t want them to hurt because of something I did.
I just don’t know what to do.
2 comments
I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.
Maybe you should talk to your school counsellor, he/she might be able to help you. I think your parents would accept you know matter what sexuality you are.
I too think of killing myself and my reasons for not following through are the same as yours.
Hang on for as long as you can and stay strong <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
No, no, no.. sexuality is really difficult to figure out. Actually less then 5% of the population is in fact 100% straight, i mean that in the sense that same sexes do not find themselves attracted to other “straight” people. we all like attractive qualities, i think you should value yourself and the opportunity to get to know the person you are developing into. Embrace the butterflies so to speak, I would hold off on talk face to face with your friend until you have a better grasp on things that you identify with. You know yourself way better than you think, and its your sole job to bring your own SELF confidence to the table. You can pull ANYTHING off if you have confidence. That is the beauty of life… you can be anyone you want to be, you get to design your life, design your likes, dislikes, experiences, hopes, fears, successses.. ect. LIke how cool is that? Suicide will always be in the back of your mind, you have control over where you let it sit.
Sometimes I get stuck in my head and i just hate everything bc it feels so scary and difficult, but other days i can be happy, and do whatever… You just need support and acceptance of the person you are and even the person will be. You don’t stay the same forever you go through seasons ,.. embrace it, it’s life, it’s opportunity.