I thought I had beaten the bad thoughts, but apparently not. They’re back. Again… They’re back, they’re stronger than ever and I’m too tired to face them. I really wish people could know how many times I’ve fought this off…. How many times all I could think of was not waking up again. How many times I’ve drafted the same letter, trying to find the right words to explain to the people I love why I had to leave them. And each time, I get closer… The letter is now 11 pages long. It is placed in the right place to be found by the person who it is meant for. The right pills are always at arms reach at night, my razors perfectly sharpened across from it.
This started years ago… All I ever wanted was to be good enough, and it seemed like I never was, so I just tried harder. Until recently, when I realized I’d never be good enough. I’m not good enough for my own parents, much less myself or other people. When I walk in public, I feel like people see my inadequacies plastered over my shoulders like billboards, a walking advertisement to my own imperfections. What happened to the boy that was so self assured, so confident? Where has the spark behind his eyes gone? Why is his face always cast towards the ground?
That little boy grew up. His self assurance was destroyed when his own family laughed at and ridiculed him. His confidence thinned as he failed to meet the expectations of others over and over again. These days, it can be measured out in teaspoons… The spark behind his eyes that used to hint at an undying optimism has been quelled by life. Failure has been a harsh instructor to him. He no longer expects greatness, rather accepts mediocrity. It shows in his composure. These days, its more about just going through the motions. He is a member of a community that loves a God that finds him repulsive, so he casts his face downward to save him from himself. Praying that the demons would all just go away. But their torment never ends. And things just get worse. And in the middle of it all, I’m breaking. No one knew until recently but now its starting to be noticeable. I need help.
The demons that used to haunt my head are starting to get out. They taunt me during the day, they drive me away from all the things that I love the most…And my nights, offer no relief. There is no rest in sleep. My eyes stay open until dawn every day, and I do it again the next. Hours of fighting an enemy that doesn’t tire. And every morning, when I wake up, I realize that I won that round, but the next is just beginning. Eventually, I will not win. Soon I will be too tired to fight anymore. And I’m so mixed up, I couldn’t tell you if that was a good thing or not.
6 comments
I’m tired too. 🙁 But I am sure you are good enough. You’re probably better than good enough. Maybe you need a change of scenery. Perhaps it’s them. Don’t let their ideals overshadow yours. I swear to you that somewhere is a place where you belong.
heres to finding it… To the both of us! May we fight even though we are tired!
Sorry to hear that. I know your feeling, I also tried so hard to be better, to be someone I always knew I would never be… just for other people’s sake, to see my family being proud of me. But I can’t stand it any more. I’m pathetic because I’m weak. I have no strength to fight again, harder and I also don’t have the guts to kill myself already. Tsc.
I’m not qood enouqh either:/
Hi there rjmays, what a very thoughtful, beautifully written post! So sensitive and REAL and amazing. I applaude you for your honesty and sincerity! I feel great compassion for you, as I have a similar experience with Catholocism and not abiding by those ways in any sense. My brother killed himself, I think oftentimes because of the guilt caused by religion and what is expected to be a certain way. Please take some time to think more of being OK with YOU. You are not weird or crazy, from what your post said. You are a normal man with expectations and desires like any other man. Be kind to yourself, accept yourself. Know that you are a healthy person regardless of what only some people say. There is a lot of support out there. Take care and thanks again for sharing your story!
You are just as good as anyone else.
But our species is hardwired to compete for resources and we have turned that simple instinct into a way of life in an age where we no longer need it everywhere.
Different people have aptitudes for different things. The bad thing is when we measure a person’s worth by those aptitudes. And hurts many because they are not up to what a particular standard might be.