I’m almost ready. ready for the pain to end, even if it takes more pain. I wrote a suicide letter a goodbye.I have problems if I killed myself i would be doing the world a favor one less messed up person for people to look at and wonder what I’m like. Who I am. Everyone judges people. And in this world that’s all I am to most people. I was  abused. It changes a person getting slapped for not eating. Getting kicked for crying. Getting my head slammed into a  wall because I couldn’t stop crying. It was like that every day . I have problems. They are clear to me but I have blurred them for the sake of others. Every day i put on my fake smile. I try to help people not knowing if I made a difference to them or not I failed in life. I’m suicidal. I look at people and just want to do horrible things to them. I hear things. Voices calling my name. I hear them a lot. My grades are slipping making my family more distant. I can’t keep doing things just to please other people i need to think about myself for once. When I move out I have a plan. Overdose. If things don’t get better soon overdose is the option or path I have chosen. I go every day feeling fake. I feel like trash, unloved & unwanted by the people that I love and want to help. But how can someone so damaged so messed up help other people when they are so screwed up by the past? I don’t think I will find true love. But I do believe it happens. It happens to those of us that are lucky enough to find it and see it. Need a few years but i’m almost ready. Ready to take matters into my own hands. Ready to  do the world a favor and get rid of myself. I’m almost ready to die. Suicide is an option. I’t my choice. Sure other people can chose to kill me but they would just be doing what I wanted. Giving me what I asked for.
An end. I’m almost ready to end it all. I don’t care if I ever see again. Hear, touch, taste, or even love again. I just want my pain to end. Mental, emotional, and even physical pain. In my opinion physical pain is the best. it hurts the body but not the soul or mind. I think I may be ready sooner than I think. I almost drank a bottle of rubbing alcohol just because it says not to. I’m so desperate to die but want to see my friends again, they are the only things holding me here. I’m stuck here on this earth that doesn’t want or need me. But I’m almost ready when I get the courage to tell them how I feel or that I’m broken on the inside then I’ll be so close. After that there will be only two things I need. A lot of pills and a lot of alcohol. In the end what will have changed. Sure I would be dead but what about the others I leave behind. I guess you could say I’m to attached to a world that doesn’t need me.
5 comments
Don’t be dumb, everyone is important, everyone is needed. Everyone is also loved but not always by the person they want to be loved by. Suppose a girl has a crush on you, it wouldn’t matter because you are gay so you would still feel lonely, but that is not to say that you are not important to that person. Nothing is unimportant everything has a purpose even the most seemingly insignificant thing can be important. But, that is not what you are lacking is it. Being important or respected must be insignificant to you because what you seek is want we all seek, TRUE LOVE! I believe it exists I think that man is missing you as much as you are missing him even though you don’t know each other. If it helps you believe it. I believe it. But if you think you can reach him faster by reincarnating by all means you can die if you want to. But please never believe you are unloved or unimportant because even the wisest of men cannot see all ends.
I feel a lot better now. The only thing that helps my depression is listening or talking to other people so thank you very much for that. And i guess i believe in true love but how do I find it out of all the people on this earth. And if i do find the right person what if they aren’t like me. I mean what if they aren’t gay? Then what do I spend the rest of my life alone? I get what your saying im just so lost and confused by this world.
Lenk, there is good in this world. Please don’t think commiting suicide is the answer. I can PROMISE you will find true love, very unexpectedly. And it will be beautiful. I witnessed an awful event a few months ago and it’s casused me to have the most horrific nightmares. Someone took their life in front of me, a stranger. And theres not a day that goes by where I wish I could have caught and talked with them. And helped them get through this together. Please message me if you ever want to talk, I am a stranger probably from far away but I do care about you!
Interesting you said that physical pain is easier to deal with than mental pain. Let me tell you my story. I spend 10 years in primal therapy, because of my upbringing. Back then I believed that there was nothing more painful than not being loved (this is how my parents made me feel, so you carry this with you the rest of your life)
Well, I was deadly wrong about that type of pain. In 2010, some doc destroyed my body by prescribing me Cipro. Ever since my health went downhill till an extend I am in physical pain day in day out, and the worst part of it is…there is no cure for it. Believe me, there is nothing worse than this, or maybe there is and I haven’t discovered it.
All I can say is…there are a million ways to resolve emotional issues. Since emotional issues are directly related to the spirit, it won’t be removed when you commit suicide..The system in that sense is very cruel. When it comes to therapy, make sure to be very picky, most so called ‘therapists’ are as dysfunctional as their patients.
I’m almost ready as well I’m really hoping someone will put a gun to my head and mug me and I wont comply and I’ll resist,hell and a important girl is the only reason I’m still here,my dad tried to kill me and my mom has given up on me,I have a minimum wage job flipping burgers and apparently I’m not good enough at that,people like me but I’m still treated like shit and I’m just waiting for that fear to leave me suicide is a sweet thought that relieves my pain and worry,not a debt to my name,not a cop to hold me down,not a person to speak another word putting me down,I’m almost ready and like people do with every death,gone but not forgotten sometimes but if you can’t interact there’s no reason to think of you,I may see you in hell my friend and maybe we will have a common understanding for once then.