There’s no way to even really describe this. My god, all I wanted was to convey the terrifying EXPLOSIVE power of what happens within me, but I’ve no idea how.
I get angry. Or rather, perhaps I’m always angry, it just get buried nice and deep until I’m numb numb numb numb numb numb
And then everything starts combusting within me. And all I want is to SCREAAAAAAAAM. But I never do. I never do. It’s always just an internal internal scream of despair or anger or sadness or loneliness or DISGUST. Oh yes, a word I know well. Absolute, vile, putrid, festering, poisonous DISGUST. At people, at everyone, at one person. But all that is quickly overtaken by pure, vicious disgust at myself. An absolute self-loathing. Funny, it’s become such a core part of me that I no longer feel anything by it. I can call myself a nasty piece of shit, and I don’t even feel bad anymore. Perhaps it’s a self-defense mechanism. but in turn, I can no longer feel anything. Emotion of any sort. Is this even pain? Is this even loneliness? Is this even suffering?? I can’t tell anymore.
And I’m so completely self-aware of how destructive my self hatred is. I can even think logically, in the moment, about how untrue and unfounded it all is. But logic doesn’t mean shit when you’re drowning. I even find it comforting somehow. Deliciously satisfying. I want to break the fucking world in two, but it probably wouldn’t do any good. So I beat the shit out of myself verbally and mentally instead, and eventually return to a sort of stasis. A numb silence.
I am hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow hollow
2 comments
I feel exactly the same and if I knew how to overcome and cope with the numbness and hollowness I would. I absolutely would. Sometimes I wonder whether or not the numbness is worse than the pain, and I often think that it is. Because there’s something so distinctly human about pain, something all life forms have in common on some emotional or physical level… but feeling nothing at all? That just feels so unreal and just wrong, in some ways to me. It almost helps to symbolize how damaging the pain can be, that it gets to the stage where it’s un-feelable and we just shut it off. And I find the apathy so wrong, for whatever reason. Like I just don’t care about what I should care about, but at the same time, I don’t really care that I don’t care… It’s just all so exhausting and so confusing. I really hope you can find a way out of this empty circle of self hatred before it gets any worse, because numbness can cause more emotional and physical scars than pain.
Thank you. I hope that you can as well.