This post probably will have little to none importance and I shouldn’t go through with what I will but I am coward and a loser. There’s hasn’t been much failures in my life until now and when I usually set my mind to do something I do it. You know, like a challenge you assign yourself and you are determined to accomplish i by whatever means.
24 of age currently. I’ve lived a normal life I like to think but in reality it’s not. Honestly comparing to some other posts I’ve read in the past few days mine doesn’t come as close for a reason to think about leaving this earth’s existence I live in currently. Thus , I say I am a coward. So far I have always worked things out on my own. Never had a girlfriend. Living independently, learning different languages, traveling the world, experiencing many cultural activities, doing passionately a sport I love to do so much, enjoying the pleasure of playing a music instrument. Lived through painful experiences and seen death around me a lot. Not any family members nor friends but the death of others, who I don’t know that well but still feel a connection because we are all human. Maybe it’s just me in this case.
About a 5 months ago I moved to another country to live with my sister. My dream country I have always wanted to live in. You have to get a working visa or other if you want to stay longer then 6 months. It was almost certain that I’d receive a new visa and I’d be able to continue my dream , but now I have left with no money to return to my home country, no help from my sister due to her illness and financial problems. I like to think I have friends but I know I am undeserving human being for any kind of help even though it might seem like the right thing to do. To express my true feeling I would say it’s “DEFEAT”. I have alienated friends and family. It’s like million problems are gathered together and that’s what is pushing me off the ledge. What I really want now is honestly everyone in the world deserving to be happy to be happy and never to experience loneliness.
2 days ago I went to my local gardening shop , looked carefully for a rope and bought a nice sturdy one for my final act. Now I am about to go on a cycling trip to near a forest and a river, maybe by the sea. That would be nice and a peaceful place.
What else can I say ? I have always wondered if hell or heaven exists. It would be pretty bad to burn eternally and get your insides poked by demons, but with hardly any proof that isn’t stopping no one. IF it does exist I will try with all my might to come back as a spirit and warn you all. Anyway, I suck writing so sorry for any brain pains you might get from reading this text. People always write these last letter but instead of a proper letter I will give you my song I wrote. The chords are there so If by I chance you are a musician and interested of getting the feel for the acoustics. Anyhow the poem/song goes something like this
The End
the end verse :Am, Fmaj7, C , E Ref: Am Dm G7 E
verse
tonight I look up at the sky
it’s a full moon night
and the stars shine so bright
ooh so very light
I think where my life has gone
but the answers my friends
are not to be found
and nowhere to be shown
ref
so I walk into the distance
with a goal in my heart
this life has taken it’s toll
and I’m heading for my final part
verse
i have fought many battles
and braked many chains
with a cause full of gains
I still feel full of pain
I fear there is no hope
and I know it in my heart
that with this heavy pain
I am left in vain
ref
so I walk into the distance
with a goal in my heart
this life has taken it’s toll
and I’m heading for my final part…
Like I wanna give more but time is running out. To all : ENJOY LIFE and NEVER take shit from others.
Sincerely from Ray
4 comments
Everybody has a different pain threshold, and everybody has different drivers. I suspect that in your case, your key driver is pride. The setbacks you have had in your attempted move may have caused you some shame and embarrassment, and your pride is what’s driving you to the edge.
Have you spoken with any of your family and friends about this? I know you say you’ve alienated them, but what’s the say that you can’t get them back by just reaching out? I have a feeling that there’s only one person in the world that is judging you right now, and that person is the one that stares back at you every time you look in the mirror.
Whatever you choose do to, whether it’s to fight on or give in, I wish you all the very best.
I really hope Ray that you won’t go on that cycling trip. There are things in life that you love to do (your favourite sport, the music). Problems that sansesperer referred to are there to find solutions to. I agree with him/her that you are your own harshest judge. And I’m NOT judging you for judging yourself cause I myself have been there all too recently…I see it clearly now that some of the fog has lifted.
Depression makes us think this way. It really is a killer.
So please don’t leave us. Best wishes, Zoe
Thank you for your reply. So far I am trying to cope and reach out but it’s hard. My sister seems to ignore me more than ever now and my mother just keeps saying “It’s going to be alright “, now that I have reached out and explained what is going on. I am trying to be as honest as possible. Worst part is my sister. After being apart for 15 years with no communication and being together for 5 months now she has started to ignore me badly. I am trying to start a simple conversation but I get brushed off. I think she is getting annoyed with me now that I am close to being a deadbeat. Feel like I was just used to pay some of debts off. I try not too hard to blame her for giving me false hope and I hate myself for being such a fool. All I want is a simple ” Hello , how was your day ?” , but I can’t event get that. She knows very well what my future holds and how my dreams have been crushed. I won’t be able to continue my dream or anything I like. I am facing immigration and put to jail. That means a criminal record and I don’t see anything after that but complete darkness. So hard to explain. I mean there is so much more inside this hard shell.
Thank you , you seem like a very nice person. Wish the world would have more nice people like you. I’m packed and ready for my final journey. I won’t be able to continue anything I like anymore if I will face reality. I worked so hard to where I am today. Years of struggling and saying to myself ” It’s going to be alright, get through this and I’ll be closer to my dreams ” . I guess being financially secure was my safe zone. Now I have nothing left . Not even some support from my sister or mother. All I am getting is the same response everything is going to be alright .
I tried two ways of suicide so far to see which is the best. First I tried how does drowning feel in a pool. Hard at first to hold your breath underwater and you really start to struggle in the last part where your breath is almost nil. Of course to really do it I’d need some heavy rocks/weights to keep my body underwater when I actually do it in a lake or the sea. I found this method hard at first but it gets better later if your just calm yourself and think of all the negativity.
Secondly I tried how hanging feels. I must say it felt painless to the lengths I went just for a test as I almost past out. I used my guitar cord. Tied it across my neck and pulled it tight. 5 seconds after I felt my body getting numb, 10 seconds after my vision started getting really blurry . I almost fell down and thought ” I better get this off before I die doing a test”. Barely got it off as my hands were so weak. Anyway, all that it felt so painless. Expect for being dizzy and numb. I wonder, maybe I did it wrong and the only thing that would have happen if I didn’t take it off is pass out.
My project is almost finished. It’s really hard leaving your last note or saying goodbye. Recently I kinda felt relief. Not being cranky or anything I did my best to be the best uncle and a good citizen. Helping out the needy. It’s strange how you know your end is near you feel like doing this last deed to someone. I almost feel like all this pressure is coming to an end. I had a good run.