My depression started when I was around 6 years old. Â It started when I was sexually abused by my cousin and his dad. At the time I didnt know what was wrong and what was right, how could I? I was just a little kid. All that ended when I was 13 years old. The sad part of my story with them is that their family is seen as the perfect family. All the kids in that family were well mannered, smart, went to good schools etc. I never told anyone what happened, because….. I didnt want to hurt my family, and I didnt know if they would even believe me. My family was far from perfect, we are Â known to be dysfunctional. At age 8 my dad cheated and left my mom. He went to live with his mistress and her 2 year old son. Â Â From that moment things got dark, really dark for my family. His mistress had the nerve to send pictures of the 3 of them to my mom. My momÂ literallyÂ went crazy. He came back and they worked things out but the ***** was still crazy. She was a bully to me, and I think it might be because I look so much like my dad. She would tell me she hates me, she regrets me, I was a mistake, I’m stupid, I cant do anything, she criticizes everything I do, she beats me up for no reason, she has thrown knives at me before telling me to go kill myself, one time I was sleeping and found her over my bed cutting my hair off. Why? Who the fuck knows. My 2 older brothers were never home. The torment always happened when no one is home, which was all the time. My dad goes home late because of work, and I called him crying once to hurry home because my mom was trying to hurt me, I locked my self in my room but she was trying to break the door down. Did he come to my rescue? No. She tells me that I am the child of the devil. She tells everyone how horrible I am so they can look down upon me and be on her side. But I am not. I know who I am, I’m nice, I’m caring, and I’m a quiet person that keeps to myself. I am not a trouble maker, just have a troubled mind. In those days I didnt cut myself, similar but no permanent marks. I used my nails to scratch deep into my thighs and arms. It hurts, but it made me feel a little better. I dont know why but it did. When I was a senior in high school she moved away. I was relieved. I lived peacefully for a while. But my dad made me move and live with her because he didnt like my boyfriend at the time. So I moved 6 hours away. My mom changed a little, she didnt physically hurt me anymore. But her words still cut deep into my soul. I feel like I was brainwashed, growing up being told I was stupid etc. Coming from your mother, you believe it. Â I hate using this example but its like she’s Hitler and I’m a Nazi. I tell myself I’m not stupid, I’m not worthless, but deep down I feel like I’m just lying to myself and that my mom is right. I feel like I have split personality or something. I would think ” yes i can!” then it would turn to ” no i cant..” one’s positive and the other one is negative. Anyway. So here is some recent events I am 24 right now, community college drop out. I lived with my mom, dad and uncle ( different uncle) one day I woke up to her screaming at me saying ” where is it? where is my money” I told her I have no idea what shes talking about, which I really didnt. She told me to pack my stuff and get out. Then she left to work, my dad called me and asked if his quarter collection was still in the living room, I went out to check, It wasnt there. I told him I dont know what happen and I thought he believed me. But it turned out he didnt. Prior to this day I had $250 on my table in my room and $40 in my closet hidden. I notice it was gone but I thought my dad took it because i left it for him. So I came to the conclusion that it was my uncle. He was kicked out of his girlfriends house, he has 2 kids with her, he has a shitty mechanic job and has to pay child support. I saw his Â mail and it was like.. 1,300 a month. Anyway I lived in my car for a while then rented a room at my friends house. I told them that it might be my uncle but they refuse to believe her brother would do that kind of thing. Really!? he used to be a drug addict and sold drugs and went to jail. I didnt even know how much was gone, I told them about my money missing but they think I was making it up.. A year later it happened again. But this time at the house my moms other brother was living there and a roommate. My parents were in my hometown. They accused me of stealing who evers money I dont even know, roommate money missing or uncles I have no idea. I was not in the area to have done it. Why am I always the one being blamed? This uncle has a bad gambling problem, he got divorced because of it. Anyway weeks after that money from her shop went missing. Guess who they thought it was! Thats right! Me! Does it hurt that I get blamed for everything? Does it hurt that my own family accuse me of stealing money like that from them? How about how my dad threaten to call the police on me? I DIDN’T DO IT! The only people who do know is the person who did it and me. I Â know i didnt do it, who ever it is knows they can get away with it because the blame is always on me. Even if its impossible its still me. If I’m dead my ghost did it. It’s crazy and no one believes me. Right now I live with my brother and his wife. They are both jerks to me. Â Definitely doesnt make my sad thoughts go away. I’m treated like a dog. I do all their chores I have to do every errand they ask of me and follow all these rules made for a 15 year old. Not only that they make me feel so unwanted. They are newly weds, I really didnt want to move into his house but he kind of pressured me to and said he wont accept having a dirty homeless sister. I honestly rather be homeless than to be around my family. Â Lately I’ve been at a very low point. I REALLY REALLY wanted to die. Before it was just I want to die but no I really want to right now. What stops me, is that I am scared to go to hell. I believe in God, but I dont think he loves me or cares about me. I Â think he is punishing me but I dont know why. What did I do to deserve this kind of life? WHY DOES HE HATE ME SO MUCH?