I’m two faced, one good one bad. I hate it. I was suicidal, a smoker and an alcoholic for some time. Im only 13. I was in a hospital a few weeks ago for suicidal thoughts & attempts. I still hate myself, but I realize that if I commit suicide, I won’t ever rest. There, I met amazing people with problems. They made me stop hating myself by a little, and spending time around them helped give me a new insight to life.
My mom & I have never been on good terms, & when we finally were, I thought that now i could kill myself peacefully with everybody calm. I’m not friendly to people unless I think they can handle me. Truth be told, Im sharp. Too sharp. Its my downfall.
My family always tore me apart, with a divorced mom & dad, it constantly felt likeWW3.I lovely mom, but we’re both kinda bipolar, me being the more mature one during our fights actually. Her usually being the one screaming shit at me and yelling. Me standing peacefully until I can’t handle it anymore, but instead of yelling, I fight.
I want to let go of the past but I can’t. I want to not hate myself, but I can’t. Although I don’t want to give up anymore, I still feel as if the timid, sweet girl I used to be is lost forever, cuz when I try to bring her back, I grow upset, and ever since Im grounded away from the now locked alcohol cabinet and my thrown away cigarettes, out come the razor blades.
Theres this girl named Jess, & she’s my best friend. But Im pushing her away for her protection. I know that to save myself from falling deeper than I already am, I need to do it myself. I love her like a sister, but it hurts. She shouldn’t love me back. Ill just hurt her.
I don’t know why I wrote this. Just please, whoever is reading this, if you’re suicidal, don’t  lose hope. You’ll hurt people more than you ever could by killing yourself.