Im seeing them again.. the three black circals that cloud my vision…. I wanna cut so badly.. i was using my coping skills again tonight its 2am here. My most useful coping skill at the moment is drawing. My mom (step mom)Â came over to check on me i asked to have more paper. She said no that i need to stop distracting myself and get to sleep.. i just wanted to scream.
She’s the person who doesnt get it most of all. She’s super religious. She doesnt get that im bisexual. I’m just “in a phase” . My cutting is for attention, and my depression is cause i “feel sorry for myself” God will help me she says if i look for him. I have many of times. I’ve prayed. Ive read the bible. Attended church. And he has yet to help me. Through any of this. I dont even understand the bible.
My heads pounding and my wrist itch. It feels like theres maggots under my skin, their on fire. Im trying to exsplain this but i dont think you’ll understand. I dont wanna cut. I dont wanna cut tonight.
I’m trying to breath but my adrenline is building. Waiting for me to grab my tool. Razor? Scissors? Box cutter? Scapel? What should i use tonight. To provide the lethal dose to subdue me.. this monstor lurking just beneath the skin. I know when morning comes i’ll regret it. I’ll hate my self again. I squeeze my wrist sending sharp pains up my arms. But i deserve it. I let my self break again.
The black dots are getting bigger. Its getting harder to think. I dont wanna break tonight. I’m listening to my music. Trying to clear my head. But i only get more confused. As my past memorys force their way into my head. Im panicing now. My heart is racing. My breath more ragged then before. No more.. I dont wanna do this no more.
Its so hard to sit like this trying to keep calm.. exsplain what is happening to me.. why its so hard to move on.
My mom.. why couldnt she just ask me if i was okay. How could she not tell. I’m up at two shakeing and asking for more paper. She knows i NEED to draw right now. But she treats it like its nothing like its something i can control. That its all for attention, cause attention wears longsleeves. Places bandaids on her arms. Pretends shes alright.. and carries on.
3 comments
I use to draw a lot around your age, and wish I never slow down like I did. just before you posted this, I was writing you a email after noticing it on your first post.. if hopefully when you get around to it, it distract your mind with some reading, and hope you find it okay.
I hope your mind comes relax before the night if over for you.
I shall your email. Thank u. I’m just trying to take it one minute at a time. But i’m craving the feeling again. Its only been a week. I just wish to go longer. To prove to myself and everyone else im stronger than this.. but honestly im not strong at all. I always end up giving in
Hey I hope your doing better. I understand the cutting. I’m pretty sad though in that I started my cutting in my twenties… Its good to know your triggers I guess. For me its rejection and lonliness. Its like a build up of rage and frustration for me and the cutting is like a massive release. Its cool that you have drawing as an outlet, thats so much healthier. Keep drawing no matter what anyone else says. Often creativity and beauty comes from the darkest places and being able to share your experiences through your art to the world is a beautiful thing x Take care