I used this website for a bit and it helped some to communicate with people who can understand the struggle of depression. i think i managed to be okay for two years.. but i had a downfall and im not really sure what exactly caused it but the point is.. im back and personally it got way worse.. i had mentioned how i had tried taking my life but i dont remember ever doing some of the things i have done in the past months.. almost a year already that i guess “the cycle” came back. ive actually reached out to professionals and i went to a mental hospital n they wanted me to have the inpatient treatment but my insurance didnt cover it. however, my family doesnt quite believe this is a serious problem.. i think they dont believe in mental illness if thats the right term.. kinda find it offensive but hey its what we understand it to be that matters. so now i have no other option but to deal with it on my own with the exception of my schools counselor and a social worker.. my friends are supportive as well but i feel like they get tired of hearing the same stuff over and over. i started self-harming again but this time to prevent myself from committing the deed.. then it became a habit/addiction for me and now i have to fight the urges of self-harming and the “big urge.†ive been close to actually doing.. closer than i ever thought i would be but im still here… because i cant leave behind the ppl who care abt me damaged for the rest of their lives. AND also bc im hoping to overcome this and pursue a career in the psychology field to help people with this.. i understand what its like and i want to be proof that it can be overcomed. i want everyone who is reading this to know that we can all and we WILL overcome depression/suicidal tendencies. its a learning experience but just take it one step at a time. its hard n we have moments.. sometimes very often where we feel like .. why fight it.. but if we can just stay strong as we are.. because we are fighting basically withing ourselves.. in our minds.. and that to me is being strong. relapses n episodes r part of this struggle but what matters is to keep on going. i will continue to write on here to speak with yall if i need someone or if yall need someone to talk to. i wish i could magically make depression disappear from life bc no one deserves to go through this. I love every single one of yall. Heres my email : jazminbaltierra@yahoo.com if yall wish to email me.. i will reply within 24 hours.. most likely as soon as i get it unless im in school or without wifi. oh and im 17 almost turning 18. when that happens i will seek prof. help again.. but now w/o the need of parents being there. we all just need to hang on to life, for ourselves. and our loved ones. take care.
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Hello Searching for Hope,
I have only been here myself for a year…so I’m afraid I don’t know you. Who are some of the folks you remember? Some of them might still be here.
So glad I am not the only repeat customer here…hahaha…jk But I am sorry that you are struggling. I loved how you started with a rant and then talked yourself right out of it. I see that you have been doing some work if you can do that. I think you’re gonna be just fine…and I hope 18 comes fast enough for ya…it’s always easier with help…but it’s not necessary. Heck you did an awesome job of therapising yourself. But SP is here when you’re having a rough go…that’s for sure.
Peace
Amakua
Hello Amakua thanks for your words. And yeah wanna know the crazy thing though.. back then this website was kinda lonely.. not many post within a day n now its like 3 or even more pages per day :l this is a shitty world. I actually just took 16 pills but the fact that I’m writing shows that I’m ok lol. Its just that after yrs of my mom not giving in to alcohol.. I found her drunk last week n I just came home to that right now. It makes me feel like giving in to my thoughts but ik 16 pills won’t kill me so I just want diziness n whatnot. I also didn’t realize I did that in my post haha.. its just that I have to share my struggle but also show the strength that one can choose to have even when dealing with this. I just remember Rebecca and Sae22.. I only posted on here like 6 times but I do like to comment on posts bc I think I can help n I love helping 🙂
Hey Searching for hope,
I hear ya…even a year ago it was nothing like this…even at Xmas time. I try to check in and read some posts every day…but like I say…I try. I was a pretty messed up old lady this time last year. The person I met was Dawg…ever hear tell of him. I’m afraid I don’t know the folks you remember…but then some of these folks have changed their names a kabillion times….secret agent shit I’m sure.
Sorry to hear about your Mom…maybe I should direct you to my post called “Parents are fucked”…hahaha…and yes I am a parent and better yet…a grandparent. Don’t even take your mother’s shit personally…that is just my opinion…but she has to live her own life…much like you do. You can be loving and supportive if you choose…but only she can deal with her…I know…it sucks. I’m sure my kids felt the same a time or two. Actually they have dealt with worse sorta….i was given less than 6 months in Dec. 2000…so yeah…they’ve had to watch me die as well…well sorta….cuz I’m still here…but it was close. God I hate stoopid, ignorant doctors. Sometimes I think the only reason I’m still alive is because I fired his ass…unhunh. I figured I survived that…I could handle anything…but last year was absolutely horrible…and I’m not usually one to ask for help…so to come here to SP and find it without really having to ask…that was a Godsend for me.
I hope you find your strength, courage and hope again. And maybe if you can share it…even more awesome…but first lets work on you eh? I wouldn’t reccommend the “pills”…but then I refuse to take almost all pharmaceuticals…just the contraindications scare hell outta me. Isn’t there something else you could try? Like naked meditation under a full moon. haha I have only one prescribed medication at this point…weed. I fought it for awhile…I hate depending on anything but me…but now I don’t have any choice…it’s that or many scrips for pain meds, anti-inflammatories etc. Atleast my new drug of choice can be grown in my back yard and not created in a lab or trailer…hahaha
I hear ya…my Dad was the drinker in our family…and I followed in his footsteps for awhile…but alcohol is a depressant…so no good. I’m sorry that your mom is struggling as well…but don’t take it personally…she is only trying to hurt herself…not you…it just happens when we care about others.
Wish I had my magic wand back from the shop…but it maybe permanently broken…so good thing you are so good at dealing…and yes…although I don’t approve of the pills…I know you are actually trying tohandle this in the way you know best.
Hope today is a better day for you…sometimes that is all it takes…just a break from shit for one day…so that is my wish for you….take the rest of the day off…listen to good music and eat, eat, eat…doctor’s orders…oh shit…I’m not a doctor…haha
Peace and Hope
Amakua
Hahah thanks amakua 🙂
Yeah ik it was pretty dumb of me to do but when the thoughts get really bad its as if I am not in my head anymore n they’ve taken over so I don’t consider anny of that good stuff unless I’m in control of my thoughts. N yeah I know its my mom struggling but I have the tendency to blame myself n feel guilty about things which is probably the source of this bc my dad used to hit mom n sisters but I was too young n never managed to stop him so I carry guilt for years. Anywho.. mind telling me your story/siituation?
Hey Searching for hope,
I would love to talk to you more…but I still have another 2 hours to go with the little one I’m babysitting…and he’s just woke up from his nap…so I will have to catch ya later…sorry. I’m planning to be on later tonight. Hope I catch ya later.
Amakua
it’s ok, n hope so too