Too lazy to live?

I have a great life: wonderful friends, supportive family, Ivy-league education, but I am tired of all of this.
I can’t concentrate on my school work. When I read something, I the words flutter across the page and land in a jumbled mess that I can’t decipher; when I’m with friends, their conversations fade in and out, and I can’t follow what’s going on half the time. My parents, although they don’t wish for anything but my happiness, are always concerned about how I am, which makes me even more stressed and I never tell them how I am really feeling, because I think that if I tell them anything bad, they will overreact or something.
I don’t have anyone to talk to because I always put on an air of affected giddiness. I want people to think that everything is fine, and that all of my problems are trivial. I don’t know why I’m like this, and it really makes me tired. I don’t want to show any weaknesses, and I don’t want to be a complainer and sodden everyone’s day. I know that my thought process is whacked, but I can’t get myself out of thinking this way. Whenever I’m about to complain about something, I reflexively deliver a mental slap on the mouth and shut up instantly.
But recently, I really can’t keep up with myself anymore. I’ve been doing really poorly in college in my past three years, because I can’t concentrate and have little interest in things. Every day, I try to get work done, but whenever I sit in the library with my lecture notes and textbook, I fall asleep. I guess the main reason why I am constantly procrastinating is that I have to find a way to keep myself awake. Perhaps I need constant stimulation in order to remain conscious?
Anyway, I am graduating soon, and with my low GPA, I don’t think I can get into any graduate school programs. I lied about my GPA to my parents this entire time. Nobody actually knows what my grade is, aside from my adviser, whom I avoid. I’m actually not even sure why I avoid my adviser. Shouldn’t a student in trouble seek an adviser to get back on track? But an adviser is still human, and she would judge me and think on the inside that her kids don’t turn out like someone like me. So I would rather not go to my adviser for help. I don’t want to show any weaknesses or be judged.
In the past month or so, I’ve found myself looking at things like iron supplement overdose, breathing in helium, and other ways to kill myself. I don’t want to live anymore, but I know it’s going to hurt the people around me. I think my friends are going to miss having me spout out my poorly timed jokes that go so well with my airheaded, happy-go-lucky persona. My parents are going to miss my phone calls and sap off life from the delusion that I am an obedient and accomplished daughter. Nowadays, I’m constantly asking myself, how can I kill myself without scarring my parents and my friends?
And I came up with an epiphany the other day: I can be a total asshole to them, and when I die, they would say that I deserve it.
That’s when I started to stop going into my laboratory side job, where I sort through data and extract DNA from blood samples; I delayed all of my tests to make the lives of my professors harder; I stopped calling home and refused to pick up frantic calls from Mom; I refused to hang out with friends and made up excuses for being late every time we meet.
I cry a lot, too. Whenever I think about grinding up my iron supplement pills and washing it all down with water, I feel relieved, light-hearted, and almost happy. But then the realization that there are other people out there makes me feel sick to my stomach, and a flood of tears and snot would gush down, dripping as a slimy fluid from the end of my chin.
“Why?” I would ask. Why would these people care for me? Maybe it’s an illusion and they really don’t. If that’s the case, then I should be free to do what I want – I should be able to drink gallon upon gallons of bleach to let me pass through this world into peaceful nothingness. But if their sentiments are real, then I want them to cut me off and let me go.
When I was looking up research on easy, fast, guaranteed ways to die, I came upon a lot of suicidal people wanting to end their life because they feel that they are wronged. In many of the forums, some people talk about how they feel like there is no hope…no happiness…no love. For others, it’s more of a financial thing: bankrupt, homeless. Homophobia, bullying, eating disorders…
I don’t have any of these problems.
I know that there’s hope, and if I reach out my hand for help, someone can change my perspective and all will be flowers and baby animals. I know that there’s happiness, because whenever I look at a child or anyone doing a good deed, I feel a warmth wash over me. I know that there’s love. My parents, my friends, my boyfriend – they all love me. Financially, although I’m not independent, I have access to all the money that I could possibly need. I live in a nice, comfortable studio, and go to a pricey college. Feeling unaccepted never was an issue, as I feel welcomed, and as much as I try to avoid it, I am wanted.
I’m constantly asking myself. Am I depressed, or am I just lazy? Am I suicidal, or am I over-dramatic? I don’t seem to be suffering as much as those people who I read about on the blogs and forums. There doesn’t seem to be a road of hopelessness ahead of me. Even if I did poorly in college, my parents have connections that can help pick me up. I’m probably just lazy and selfish. That’s why I want to kill myself so I don’t have to work anymore. And don’t even get me started on finding a goal. I have no goals in life. That’s just asking for too much.
But do normal people think like that? Are people so lazy that they would rather die than live? I don’t know the answer to this, and that is why I have written this lengthy expose on my internal conflicts. Maybe someone out there can give me pointers…and maybe a hint or two on painless, quick, and effective method to die.