Suffering in Silence.

I’ve been silently suffering for a while now. I have had thoughts about killing myself several times, but they mostly hit late at night, which is when i feel most alone. I’ve pushed everyone in my life out and i’ve secluded myself from a lot, but not on purpose, it just kind of happened. I’ve lost a lot of people, and i feel like if i just did it and wasn’t such a coward i’d be in a much better place. I’m afraid of doing it because i don’t know what happens next, but i’m sure whatever happens next after that, is a lot better than what would happen next if i kept on living. I’ve suffered from an eating disorder for 4 years, and when my parents found out they threatened to put me in a hospital because they thought i had gotten too skinny. I weigh 106 pounds and i’m 5’2 which to me, is perfectly fine. I don’t like my looks, nor the way i am at all. I have my own problems, but no one knows. I’ve always taken everyone elses problems and tried to help them before ever helping myself.  I’ve done some really stupid things for my age, and i’ve been put through a lot for my age. The first time i ever had a real boyfriend, he forced fingering on me. He ended up popping my hymen because he forced it on me, and i tried to get him to stop. I latched onto his wrist and tried pulling him to stop because we had talked a few days in advance, and he knew i wasn’t ready to do anything. I was crying while it was happening and he didn’t stop, once he did, i remember just rolling over and crying. It scared me, but i thought “he’s my boyfriend, he’s doing it because he loves me” but of course, i was only 14 years old at the time,  i didn’t love him, and he sure as hell didn’t love me, and it took me a while to realize what he had actually done to me because i didn’t want to believe it. It haunts me everyday, and i’m afraid of guys touching me sometimes because i’m terrified of them doing the same thing. I broke down to my mom new years morning at 1:30am just a crying mess and told her how much pain i was in, and that it wouldn’t go away because it’s all inside, and i feel like i didn’t want to face that i had these problems because i didn’t think i actually did. But i do, and i want help because i don’t want to do something stupid and hurt my family. I’ve cut before, and it took away some of the pain for a little bit, but i haven’t done it since. I’ve taken too many pills when i know i shouldn’t have, and it made me really sick, but my parents don’t know that. I’ve done a lot of dumb things, and i don’t know what to do. I feel like my mom doesn’t want to think that her daughter has these type of problems, because she doesn’t want to believe i’m hurting. But i am, and it’s something that won’t go away. I’m always in my room, and my parents always call me lazy or just criticize me for it, but they didn’t even know why. I feel like my mom is turning her head because she doesn’t want to believe i have these problems or that she doesn’t want to help me. I’m really lost, please help.