I’ve Had Enough

I cannot WAIT till im a adult. Then i’ll just be as far as possible from my home and my family. Now before i go on my rant, let me just say no, i dont have a physically abusive family, no are my parents divorced nor are they dead, sick or drug addicts. They just treat me like woman were treated in the 1940’s. No rights. No freedom. They were OBLIGED to stay home and work, things like that. Well that’s how I am treated. I have been occasionally depressed for a while now. (my depressive bouts usually last between hours to a week). Anyway, i tell my parents and family that the reason i am depressed is because i have no friends and i get bullied and pushed around at school. Im weak. I have a tough mind, but when you’re up against people who have lots of friends, with a whole group who could beat you up, there really isnt much you can do. I maybe “tough” but im not stupid. Anyway, half of the reason why i am depressed is because of my treatment in the family. I have always wished that i could be treated like another fellow human in my family- the only person who treats me nice occasionally is my mum. Love ya mum! ANyway, im a 14 year old boy who just came out of summer holidays and i did over 130+ hours of vineyard work and probably about 300+ hours of house work. Yet im still the unimportant one. The useless one. The dumb one. The one without a voice. My dad treats me like he would a piece of shit, he tells me that i did crap on my report (i got 4 A’s out of 7 subjects) and that i dont work much and that i deserve nothing especially when compared to others. THAT FUCKING MAN!!!!! he does not even know how much work i do by comparison to a normal child, he is blind and selfish. He only goes on and on about the vineyard because he wants to make it his sad story- although its his fault for not studying in school and acting like an idiot when he was young. My oldest brother (lets say his name is Ronald) Ronald, is very rude to me, constantly. He tells me to shut up, calls me useless, slow, rude, bitchy, over-reactive and undeserving. He puts me down so often that my mind is often split between agreeing with him and being against him. He tells me i have no right to ever say anything, that im too dumb and stupid to deserve to say anything, that i have no right to stand up for myself (these are all quotes!!!) and that only when i am a “mature adult with a life” then will i be able to stand up for myself. Well what a load of shit. He is 21 and cant even figure out his own life, is deferring university and works at a pen shop. I do understand that he is lost, but he has no right to say anything. My middle brother constantly reminds me how is better at everything to me and that he is superior in every way, rubs the fact that he has a social life in my face, and always beats me at everything he ever tells me. Worse, my parents let my brothers put me down everyday, and say nothing, yet they seem perfectly happy to talk shit about me behind my back, that way Ronald has plenty of fresh put downs for me. Its just ridiculous. As soon as I am 18, im moving out. I dont give a fuck if im poor or starving, as long as I have my own life seperated from the people who made me want to kill myself even more. I have no power. Combined with everything, i really am just a small boy in a very deep dark pit. And i feel like i deserve it too. Thanks to everyone, i believe that i have no good in me, none at all. So please dont say something like, I tHINK YOURE BEAUTIFUL, because i know im not. I get laughed at as soon as i go out in public, so please, just dont.