Where to turn?

I’m relatively new to this site, but thought I’d take my turn to publish a post. The reason I’m on here tonight is because I am really struggling at the moment. I am really having strong urges to end my life. I don’t want to kill myself, yet I don’t want to continue living this life that I have created for myself. Very contradicting sentence, isn’t it? I just feel so alone. And I know isolation plays a big part in it, but even with people I still feel incredibly alone. I hate myself so much. I hate my body and my mind. I wish I could just be fucking happy. I’m sure there have been times of joy, but I don’t believe I have reached a stage of complete happiness. I have no idea how to. I just can’t let go of all this shame I have for myself. I want to find love so badly, but it is impossible if I can’t even love myself. I never feel like doing anything. At times, I just want to stay in bed and sleep all day. I want to disappear. I want a different life. I want to be a different person. I wish I could change, but my addictions are much too strong. I have tried so many times that I am sick of trying anymore. Happiness is not worth all of this work. It is too much of a struggle for me. I am too weak. I feel as though no one truly understands me and who I am. I can’t stop comparing myself to others. I wish I could be happy like them. I wish I had a bunch of friends like them. I wish I was funny and outgoing like them. I wish I was invited to parties like them. I’m just so fucking sick of this life. I’m not sure where I’m going with this rant, but I needed to get these thoughts out of me. They are still here, but at least I shared them with someone…..anyone.