I’ve been feeling this way for almost 11 years. I’m surprised I’ve even made it this far. I’ve lost most of my friends because they’re tired of hearing me being sad and depressed all of the time, especially when their lives are going so well. Not like they were any help to me when they were around but it’s just that now, I feel completely alone. I have no one to talk to and I’ve been keeping my feelings in for so long. No one even bothers to help me anymore because they feel its no use. After they give me advice, a couple of hours later i start thinking about my life again and how much I hate it and I’m back to ranting and spreading my unhappiness to everyone. I really don’t like being this way. I remember a time when i wasn’t like this and I wish I could go back. Back to being happy again. I keep telling myself, it’ll happen one day, you’ll find that happiness but it’s been so long. How long am I supposed to wait?! I was seriously going to do it just a couple months back but the only thing keeping me here were these concerts I’ve really been looking forward to this year. One of them being Lady Gaga and the other being this huge EDM festival  here in my hometown. Whenever I go to a concert especially an EDM concert the feeling of happiness and freedom takes over my body and for just that night, I feel happy again. I didn’t want to leave this Earth knowing that I would miss out on that wonderful feeling in the months to come so I toughed it out. But then when 2013 rolled around I found out that Lady Gaga cancelled her concerts due to her hip injury. I know it was something beyond her control so I wasn’t too sad as I know her health comes first. I still had that big EDM festival to look forward to so it kind of helped me take my mind off of it. But when the time came around for that, it really didn’t live up to my expectations. I didn’t really have friends to go with so i was alone the majority of the time. The people I met weren’t the greatest and it seemed like no one else there really had the same kind of connection I do with the music. I actually got so frustrated at one point that i went to a secluded area in the park and started crying because i felt like this was the only thing i had left and everyone was ruining it for me. The only reason I decided to keep living was for that moment and it turned out to be nothing like i hoped. Do you know what it feels like, to have the only thing that actually gives you hope and life suddenly be taken away from you because no one else feels the same way?
I’m 18 and just a freshman in college and i think i’m going to fail one of my classes. This is the first time i’ve ever failed anything. I have two finals tomorrow that I haven’t even studied for because my motivation and determination in life has all gone. Theres nothing left. I keep living because I hope that i’ll get better but in reality it just keeps getting worse. Now I’m scared. I might lose my scholarships because I’m failing. Its almost 2AM here so theres no point in studying now. If i drop out of college my mom will never forgive me. Shes sacrificed so much just so then I could get to this point and be the first one in my family to graduate and get a degree and it just kills me inside to know that I’m failing her. I really want to do well but I can’t find the strength anymore. Its all gone. Tomorrow after my exams, I plan to drive back to my hometown by the beach and just sit there to clear my mind. I drove there a couple months back when I was feeling this way and it really helped me. Its the only place left where I can feel completely free of all of the troubles in my life. It helps me remember that the world is so much bigger and there are so many other things out there. I’m hoping this feeling is still there. I’ve been planning to go there for a while now but I’ve been scared that it just won’t feel the same or someone/something will ruin it for me, then i will truly have nothing left.
I can’t leave this life because my mom depends on me a lot, and i know if i leave it will just make things that much harder for her. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with this anymore. Its been so long it feels like its never going to end. I’m starting to lose everything that once held me up and I don’t know what to do. My future is crumbling. I just wish someone would just kill me already so I wouldn’t have to deal with the guilt of doing it myself.
I know this is really long but I just had to get it out. I know probably no one will read this and I understand. No one really bothers with me anymore anyway. I just like having the thought that maybe someone, somewhere, will read it.
There are so many other things i wish i could include that are contributing factors to my feelings but this will probably turn into a novel if i wrote them all. They’ll just have to be saved for later I guess.
4 comments
You love your mom then do it for you mom. She has sacrificed so you can get to college, and you don’t want to leave her then don’t. Use her as your strength, not the concerts, for she has been there for you and is still there for you. Pass your classes because of her, and keeping standing because of her.
If you do not pass you classes you can always re-take them, but never fail when you have to. If your mom has sacrificed to get you to this point, then don’t let her down and don’t let your self down.
You have to get a grip and snap out of it, shake it off and speak to your self positive. I know it’s hard it seems like everything is meaningless, nothing will change, no one understands, no on cares, you feel like just letting go; I understand.
Stop thinking back, think forward yesterday is gone, last year is gone, but today is here, tomorrow has not come, next year has yet to arrive, so you must strive. Don’t let your past ruin you future, it’s what we do today, how we handle ourselves today that we press on.
We all need someone we can talk to, if you need talk I’ll listen and help
riddick_fury@rocketmail.com
Hello there. I never meant to make an account for this website, but after reading what you shared here, I couldn’t ignore it. You probably feel completely defeated; life has been throwing punches at you since you were young and now you’re too hurt and tired to fight back and it feels like you’re losing, so you’d rather just give up. I understand. Right now I am being treated for severe depression and although I’ve not suffered for as long as you have I understand how it feels. I am 20 years old and in what’s supposed to be my second year of college, but I’ve lost all motivation, determination, hope, and energy to fight back. I’m just so tired of everything all the time. In high school I aimed for perfect scores in everything because I always determined my self-worth from my grades. When I went to college, I moved to the states and was completely alone for a year and my depression got worse because of many things that had happened before moving, so I started neglected my studies and got a failing grade for the first time. After that I felt like I had ruined everything I’d ever worked for and that there was no way I’d feel better, so I stopped caring about college completely. I failed five courses my freshman year. I moved back home because I just felt horrible in the states, and I thought maybe going back would make me feel better. I was so wrong. Moving back made me feel so much worse because that’s when I realized how horrible my state of mind was/is. I stopped talking to my friends, I didn’t go out, I slept way too much, I didn’t study and I felt so tired all the time. Sick and tired of everything. Cried a lot. I was worthless. A failure. A disappointment. I was just taking up space in the world.Thought about dying a lot. Taking all my meds at once. I’ve thought of it. I would never do it, though. I know this is an internal battle and my state of mind is blinding me from everything that is good. Life outside of my head is probably not as bad as my perception of it. This is an illness that can be treated. I need to remind myself that this is not a weakness and that I am sick. Sometimes I wish I had a bad physical illness instead of an emotional one. At least I’d have more hope and the chance to choose happiness without battling these horrible thoughts. Miraculously, I think I’m getting a little bit better with a new medication I’m taking.
I think I kinda started rambling there. Whatever, the reason I’m writing to you is to let you know that even though you feel alone at the moment and probably cannot see it or believe it (I know it’s hard to accept), there are PEOPLE WHO WILL LISTEN. I’m glad you decided to share your thoughts and feelings here. Please, please remember that there are people who do take their time to read what you post here because you mean something to them, even if you are an Internet stranger. You do matter and you are important. I don’t know you at all, but I care about you and your well-being. When I was reading your post I felt the pain. I don’t want you to go through this alone. I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, but if you do and you feel you have no one who’ll listen, don’t hesitate to email me (carla_mania3@hotmail.com). You don’t have to, of course. Whatever you feel comfortable with. Or maybe you can send me a message here? I really don’t know how this website works; I just registered a few minutes ago to write to you.
I know it’s difficult, but don’t give up – ever. You do matter, even if you don’t see it right now. I hope you have a better week.
-Carla
I wrote a pretty long comment, but apparently it needs to be moderated? I hope you get it soon. I really want you to get better.
-Carla
i read and maybe you need to not working on living up to your moms requirements and take a break from college. she would much rather you alive and failing than dead and nothing i promise you that. there is plenty of time for school and making it up to you mom, but if you don’t find a way to make yourself happy then nothing you do will ever work or be good enough so focus on that, what makes YOU feel good nd keep at it and fuck everyone else