idk

I feel like the reason I like the suicide project is because I can write my true feelings.  Usually I keep them bottled up.  I know my dad has advanced diabetes and my mom just lost her mom and then her little sister and she feels helpless so I cant really tell them “hey I have serious depression, I lay in the fetal position and cry and wish for it to be over”  That doesnt help them.  So I try to keep going and then what happens my sister starts a fight with me over shit that has nothing to do with me.  So I get pissed and tell her what I think of her and she tells me if thats how I feel then theres no reason to talk to her again or see her family.  Wow, I thought it was my family too.  She’s using her 2 wonderful teenage kids to try to hurt me.  So just when I think hey I’m going to try and stick this out, see where it goes and try my best to support the few people in my life, I get stabbed in the back.  I may never understand it.  I still have a bag of charcoal in a drawer in the garage, I know exactly where the bbq.  I know that if/when I do it my pain immediatley ends.  I got right back to the non-existent state i was in before my parents conceived me.  That wasn’t a bad place.  But I have to stay.  If now, only for my mom.  But it hurts.  Thank you people on this site for sharing your stories, I try to read them all.  I know I’m not alone in this fight.