I wish I had died!

Can’t take it!! I feel like a constant failure all the time, everybody tells me that I’m great, that I’m awesome, brilliant, smart… My family loves me, my brother cares more about me that I do, my friends always bring me back up, but I just had lost it…
I suffer from anxiety and depression, I went to therapy when I used to cry every single time at any hour the second I got up my bed, it helped a little, but to be honest I never told her my truth feelings, then things at home got bad, my thoughts about family went from ‘amazing’ to ‘shit’ , I got sick thanks to a jerk, my grandpa got extremely bad, and I felt like shit… Again therapy helped a little but I continued hidding things from her.
Now I had a crash accident yesterday… I was driving, nothing bad happened but I feel so guilty, I could have hurt my brother or his partner… And although everyone is fine I can’t stop wishing to be dead… I really really hate this… It hurts to breathe, to waking up every morning and live a monotonous life, I hate that the only reason why I’m still here it’s cuz everyone wants me alive… But I’m too coward to kill myself and so I beg every night I don’t wake up in the morning…
I know I need help but no one really thinks I’m this bad… No one really takes me serious when I say that I want to die, and when they get worried I say I was joking cuz I feel stupid making them feel bad or sorry about me, and when I say that I’m depress no ones believes me, besides I don’t know how to tell my family that I don’t wanna be alive anymore, that I don’t care if they love me or they will miss me or anything… I just don’t wanna be here anymore!!! What’s the point??? I’m a big mess since I was 15… 10 years later I still haven’t gotten any better, I keep messing it up over and over again and I dot want to drag anyone into this mess anymore!
For some reason I feel like I’m alive to be everyone’s collection doll, and inside I just feel so empty, useless….
Life will be much better without me.