Day 23

Hi Guys,

How are you? How’s your life? How is your day? Don’t forget to comment down below how you are! I do want to know!

NOTE: Really sorry for this being a long post… I didn’t really try to… Writing is the only way I can get my feelings out.

How am I? Does it even matter how I am? Does it matter? Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn’t. How am I? Physically? Sore. Bruised. Hurt. Scarred. Mentally? Broken. In Pain. Hurt. Scared.

My physical state… I keep getting headaches… Waking up this morning I hit my head on my wall and it hurt like crazy, but again I couldn’t take anything to decrease the pain because this is my lowest of low times. I can’t go near knives, scissors, pain medicines, anything that could potentially kill me. Well I guess anything could kill me. I could hang myself with string. I could jump out of the car on the way to school. I could take pain medicines. I could kill myself. So why don’t i? Well first off you guys, maybe I don’t know, would care and would be hurt. Especially my light at the end of the tunnel. The only reason I haven’t killed myself is to not hurt everyone, but everyone is hurting me.

My mental state… Well the nightmares are getting worse. They aren’t as frequent just scarier now. I just don’t know what to think anymore. Do I matter? Should I even live? Or should I die? Maybe I should shut up. Seems like whenever I open my mouth I hurt someone or make a mistake. Or maybe I should just stop. Stop talking. Stop breathing. Stop living. But would that hurt you guys? Or would you just forget about me? Just move on? Not even care? There are some people that I know that care. But they don’t know. What I’m going through right now. Why? Because I haven’t told them. I can’t do it. To see their pity. To see their sympathy. I don’t want pity. I want comfort. I want someone to be there. Maybe it there is no one out there that would take the time to care for me. To help me. To comfort me. I mean you guys are all busy. And who would devote their time to help me?

SIDENOTE: Guess what I am doing??? I’m selling carnations (flowers) at my school for a school foundation. Now why would I ever do that? Because I like Valentine’s day even though it brings a little pain to my life, but I guess my life is already painful so what will a little more pain do? And I have also decided that I am going to buy all of my REALLY close friends carnations so they don’t feel the disappointment of not getting a flower like I will. I guess it’s alright with me. Knowing that I’m not loved. Knowing that no one out there loves me. Well my family does, but they think I’m happy. I have masked myself. I have masked my true self. I’m not happy, but I’m sad. But they don’t need to know that. I have masked my personality. Who I really am from them. Maybe that’s bad, but I do have a little life in my I guess. I still laugh. I still smile, but they are mostly fake, but no one really knows that. They’re the same now… Just one action….

Monologue: (Poem down below, Sorry this is super duper really extremely long
All I want right now is someone to cuddle with me at night. To just stay with me and cuddle with me and tell me it’s going to be okay. Maybe it’s too much to ask for. For someone to tell me it’s going to be okay. That they will stay with me. To just say to me, “I love you with all of my heart and I will never leave you nor will I ever hate you,” To just have someone love me… To just have someone be there? I guess there really isn’t anyone that can “babysit” me. And I guess that’s fine. All I want is just one person to actually stay. But then again you before me. I guess your needs come before mine. And its been like that, but maybe it shouldn’t be. But I’ve been living like this for a long long long time. Where everyone comes before me. And I come in last. It doesn’t bother me at times. At times I understand that people are busy with important things in life, but I guess I just wanted one person to just drop everything and help me. Like I do to some other people. But maybe that’s just fantasy. Maybe that’s unrealistic, a fake, an unreachable dream, not a realistic goal. I guess it really is. Not realistic just fake. To have someone just care and comfort me. I don’t know… *sigh* I just don’t want to pick myself up anymore. I guess I want to stay broken, but at the same time I want to be picked up and put back together. But who would devote their time for that? Who would devote their time to pick someone up as useless as me, as unimportant as me, as someone as worthless as me? No one. I mean I am guessing no one. But maybe there is someone out there who would really do that. But I guess not… Because who would truly do that if they know who I truly was? I have mixed feelings. On one hand I want to just be broken and shattered, but on the other hand I want to be fixed, picked up, and put back together. But who would care enough to do that? Who would think I matter enough to do that? Who would love me enough to do that? On one hand I don’t mind not being love, but on the other hand all I want is to be loved. I don’t know…

Poem:

am i selfish?
to ask for love
to ask for comfort
to ask for someone to stay?

am i selfish?
to ask for a cuddle buddy
to ask for a hug
to ask for a shoulder to cry on

am i selfish?
to ask for someone to pick me up
to ask for someone to piece me back together?
to ask for someone to help me not be broken?

am i selfish?
to ask for these things?
I guess I am.
I am selfish in a way.

Au Demain