My pathetic sob story. I’m sorry. Help…

Hi, I guess. I’ve been browsing this site for about two days to see what it was all about. I discovered it while being extremely upset Sunday afternoon, and well… I guess I decided to post here. I really need help… This is very long by the way I’m sorry.

I feel stupid for even feeling depressed and suicidal. It’s not new, I’ve been like this for a while now. At least a year. Before I tell what tipped me off, I guess I’ll give some background… I’m so sorry for bothering everyone on here I needed to get this out.

In seventh grade I was bullied. A lot. To the point of getting kicked in the face. The bullying was done by my “ex-boyfriend”, who thought it was funny. I didn’t have a lot of friends. I guess I was a bit odd for people to enjoy being with. Everyone had their own best friend, each and everyone in my group of friends. I was alone, because I had chosen to hang out with my “boyfriend” all the time. During this time… I met a very important person. We didn’t talk a lot, but I really depended on her for my protection from all the bullying. Truth is, I’m a huge wimp. I’m all talk. I can’t harm anything or anyone even if I wanted to. I cried every single day during lunch and she was there to listen to me ramble and sob.

This is when it all started. It was just stupid teenage angst, but that bullying really hurt me. Fat, ugly, loud-mouthed, emo, all of that. I guess I was all of that. I couldn’t gather enough courage to actually cut into my self, but I did bleed and cry. A lot. I felt so stupid and worthless. I wasn’t doing all too good in school, and I had a lot to live up to because my parents always expected me to be “smart”. I’m a huge idiot to be honest.

I got diagnosed with ADD, because I could not for the life of me do schoolwork. I would hold my head and try and force myself to do my work, but I couldn’t get my brain to actually comprehend it. I couldn’t focus even if my life depended on it. I would scream and get mad and cry and throw my books around because I JUST COULDN’T DO IT. I’m surprised my parents accepted the diagnosis, but I don’t think they understand it.

Eighth grade was nicer, I guess. I got more into anime and manga and all that. I got closer to my friends, back into the group. That was also nice. I don’t really know what happened during that time. Or rather, I don’t remember. Nothing worth mentioning anyways.

I’m in tenth grade now, just started my summer vacation so it’s not completely official, I guess. I got accepted into an Art school and that was nice. A few of my friends did too. Not all of them though, such as my friend who I mentioned earlier. She goes to a school in another town close by.

This is probably all just me being dramatic, I’m sorry…

Anyways… I kind of developed a crush on my friend. Well not kind of. Just that feeling of… not being able to concentrate because I felt like I needed to show her that I was not actually a wimp, and that I admired her for being able to help me in that pit. And yes, I am a girl too. I’m confused about my entire life.

I will mention beforehand that my parents, and I to an extent, are all Southern and Christian. If I ever told them I liked girls a bit they’d kill me. They would literally kill me.

At school, I made a bunch of new friends. I also got a bit more depressed. Again, I don’t know why. Because I didn’t understand myself? Maybe? We got in a few fights, which were me trying to deny myself. Those stopped in about the second half of the year. By this time, I had been talking to my friend who I had this huge lesbian crush on everyday. I loved it.

Then… it all began.

You see, I am quite the person. At least I put out to be. My friends would all most likely describe me as bubbly, carefree, talkative, sarcastic, loud, “hyper” in a way, all those things. It’s my personality. Or it was. It certainly hasn’t been lately. I think my friends are noticing it.

I started feeling horribly depressed during the late parts of the second half of my Freshman year. I talked to my crush about it, who for the rest of this story we will call “G”. She of course helped me during this the best she could, like she is so good at doing. At one point I started to develop panic/anxiety-like feelings, which I have not seen a professional over. I would get very scared, begin to cry and my entire body would shake. These would happen after something very mood changing, like an argument or being yelled at, doing bad on a test or being crowded around, I freak out. I remember once that we got into a small fight and I started freaking out so badly that I almost passed out. I have before. I dropped my phone and she kept texting me till I would pick up. I must have worried her so much…

I told my mama how I felt and she merely dismissed it as “me being a teenager”. I kept telling her that I wanted to see a professional, just for my well-being. She said no.

Apparently she felt something towards me. I was actually really, really happy for once. I told her everything I had felt. She was happy too. We decided to keep it a big secret. Our friends found out of course. We reminded them of our respective anime characters, and if we got any anime fans on here I will inform you our main deal was Hetalia (it still is). Everyone was accepted, except for two people, who don’t matter to the story.

I need to mention now that although she’s a good person, G has an issue with being very, very clingy and a bit obsessive. I feel bad for mentioning it, but it matters.

A few weeks before my birthday I went to her house. I was a bit late because I had a hair appointment that day too, and I love my hair so much. We saw a movie and cuddled and went back to her house… and stuff happened. Not too bad of stuff, I know my own limits. It was fine I guess. I ended up leaving because I had a headache and a weird feeling in the morning, probably because I hardly had eaten anything. I don’t eat as much as I used to (and that was a lot. I love eating), and when I do it’s junk food. Plus I am very, very picky. My mama and I got something to eat afterwards.

My birthday party went pretty good… until an incident happened that morning. I must say that I DO NOT like people hugging me all the time, as I take after my Papa and I don’t like all the affection. I tell G this but she doesn’t really listen. Being a submissive little wimp I am I just let her do as she pleased.

Anyways, that morning I was talking to my other friend who I am very close to. We woke up before everyone else and watched the sunrise for fun. G gets jealous I guess, because I was talking about my school and she really wants to get accepted next year. She hits me twice with a pillow (she told me later that she did that on purpose) and even though it was a pillow IT HURT LIKE HELL. I get up to walk into the kitchen to put my plate up because I was eating, and she grabs me and is attempting to apologize but I just yell for her to let go. It was extremely out of character for me I run into the kitchen and my mama is in there, and I start sobbing. G regretted this immediately apparently.

She tries to talk to me in the bathroom and I keep telling her “DO NOT TOUCH ME.” I can’t even look at her. I had snapped officially. She apologizes over and over but I was done. She had refused to listen to me the entire time and wouldn’t let me talk to anybody but her. The one who I trusted with all of my secrets and every single suicidal thought…

G is the only one who knows the depth of my mind. The only one who knows everything about me. Literally.

I haven’t talked to her in a week. My parents told me that we needed time apart. My friend R sent messages to G for me and I told her that I was sick of her doing that to me. It had been going on for a while.

I’m officially alone once again. I don’t know what I want anymore, who I love. It’s so confusing.

With nobody I can trust to tell of my suicidal thoughts and overwhelming depression, I have been sinking further and further. I’m too scared to kill myself, but at the same time I want to so bad. Nobody would miss me. Nobody would care. I sit awake at night wondering why I’m even alive. Everything I do, there’s someone who does it better and gets more attention. I’m pathetic and useless. I don’t deserve what I have, I deserve to die.

But I feel so STUPID for thinking that! Like why? Why do I feel so horrible about myself? I DON’T EVEN HAVE A REASON HARDLY. Everyone else on here has actual things that would make them sad. BUT ME? I’M JUST A CRYBABY WIMP WHO CANNOT TAKE LIFE ANYMORE BECAUSE WHAT? Nobody texts or calls me? Nobody makes an effort to communicate with me? I’m alone? I can’t figure out my sexuality? Is that really why I’m feeling this way? I am the most pathetic human being alive.

Please, someone dig me out of this hole… I don’t know what to do and I am so trapped… I want my life to be over… forever…