I cannot sleep…. I keep thinking about what someone said to me “no one gives a ish”….
No one cares and to have no one in your corner ,hurts. I tried telling a friend a few minutes ago that I still deal with depression and cannot get rid of these sucidal thoughts, And just said ” i thought you wasn’t going to go to that place no more”? Like really…. if i could really had a choice to feel the way I do don’t you think I would choose not to be feeling sucidal, depressed and lonely all the time…Damn, I do wanna be happy but I can’t help the way I feel….
Like IDK why I even tried expressing to him or anyone else how I feel. I do know the day I do die, I dont want nobody crying… Idk if anyone would even cry but I feel like there always plp who want to show out and cry and pretend like they did care but in reality it is a different story.i don’t want nobody saying, she should have came talk to me…. um no, I tried… that didnt work. Again, the day I die, don’t cry.
I wish I could control these thoughts, I can’t and for that i feel like i will always be judged
for the plp who judge me, instead if looking down on me why not ask me what’s wrong? Help me? Encourage me? Maybe that’s asking to much… I hate my life… Goodnight…
3 comments
Yes people can seem to say things that hurt deeply especially when it’s the last thing you want to hear. When I was younger I was mad at the world that I busted my ass for my higher degree and couldn’t get work in my field. I was living with my dad and we’d have arguments every once in a while. Anyways my friend said something to me that really stuck…I was trying to explain how I was a victim and being treated unjustly by him and he said well you live under his roof-he said it rather callously but then it dawned on me that nobody really does give a f–k about you especially if you’re dependent on someone else.
After that I kept my mouth shut and worked hard to move out on my own and very glad I did. It’s a tough world out there…everyone has problems. I didn’t realize at times that I was being a burden on others, though in my head I was expecting to be very successful. In fact I had started a business at the time which was proving to be very promising the first person with his hand out, showering me with fake praise was my father. Unfortunately after some success the business later flopped and he became an ass to me again. People are shit and the best thing to do is first gain your independence and then you’re on equal footing.
Whatever is causing your depression, you have to confront it and fix the issue. I’ve been there, I know…and even some of the closest people around you get sick of you being down all the time. One of my closest friends who put up with a lot-even he eventually started pushing me away when I was depressed. So I learned you really have to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps. Almost no one can or will help. Good luck to you.
I understand,.. I feel like sometimes the only who can help yourself… Is you… It’s just so hard sometimes….
I guess everyone can take so much, huh? Like your friend who became distant… I guess everyone has their limits…
Thank you for taking time to talk to me…
Dear This-is-me, I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. People really don’t understand these intrusive thoughts and the power they hold unless they, themselves, have suffered as we do. It’s hard to maintain friendships with people who say things like “I thought you weren’t going to go to that dark place anymore” or “Well, we don’t have to talk about that right now.” When getting up each day is such an overwhelming task, why would we want to have people in our lives who don’t even try to get it. But don’t blame these people. They are emotionally or intellectually limited; they cannot put themselves in another’s experience. Don’t beat yourself up for their flaws.
I applaud your desire to root out the causes of your depression and to resolve it through confrontation. But, baby, there is depression that cannot be resolved. There is depression that doesn’t respond — no matter what the treatment. I’ve tried drugs and drinking, exercise, medications, ECT, meditation, chanting, journeling, talk therapy, CBT, other medications, diet restrictions, affirmations … I’m exhausted.
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