For sometime I believed suicide was wrong and that what they say is true its only for a spell. But I doubt that now, I have watched several videos were people committed suicide and I felt their pain and cried. I guess for so long I thought I was alone and I said nothing but I see we all cry and no one says anything. I think just as we make our path we can decided to leave. No one wants to be alone and hurt, everyone wants to be hugged and loved, but I guess God or whom ever is up their only gave that blessing to a few.
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Cyber Hugs to you. It’s not much, but all I can do for now. I don’t know if God only blesses a few, but I gotta believe that only humans judge, criticize and dish out their blessings here and there. If there is a God, Source, Higher Power, whatever, I can’t believe it discriminates.
I do I look at myself and all the people here and wonder why is there so much pain. Hell why am I crying even as I type thinking. All I needed was one reason to keep going and I have none. I even made plans to better my life and that too died. I look at all the people on facebook getting married and I know I will never have any of that happiness. I never get the blessing never JOB school never.
Its tough when you feel like everything you do isn’t contributing to the bigger picture. I’ve been experiencing a lot of those ‘one step forward, two steps back’ type scenarios lately. Its bloody exhausting because I’m someone who always tries to find meaning in life.
I don’t hate suffering if I can see a purpose in it. However, extended periods of suffering are fucking useless as shit. I mean don’t get me wrong, I found the three years of my first episode of psychological distress quite useful but fuck this relapse is just plain unnecessary.
My reason for living right now is the hope that there is something coming for me which will explain everything and give me the closure I am looking for. I am not sure how long I can hold on for, but so far I am here.