She Always Calls Me Her Dork

Hello everyone, I guess I will start this off by introducing myself. My name is Adam. I guess I should start at the beginning. Growing up, I was a pretty lonely kid. I was the typical black sheep and outcast. I remember one time when I first started school. Every kid in the class had to choose a partner to play with, and of course I was the only one left without one. Anyway, it didn’t really bother me then. When I turned 8, my mother and father split up. My mother had custody. She was more interested in girlfriends than men. Long story short, her girlfriend was semi-abusive. She would constantly leave me at home while she, my bother, and my mother would go do various things. She would get material things for herself instead of us, and eat most of the food at meal times. Once again, I was the outcast. Throughout this whole time, I only made a few friends at school. I mostly kept to myself. A lot of people made fun of me for my mothers choice of sexial orientation. I also got bullied because I was smaller than most other kids, and a bit dorky. I remember a group of my grandmother’s fellow church members shunning my brother and I, and claiming we had the devil in us because of our mother. My mother’s next girlfriend made that one seem like a saint. This one was completely and utterly horrible. When you imagine a masculine lesbian that hates men, that would fit her perfectly. She hated most males, but the older they were, the more she hated them. She hated men so much, she could not stand keeping a job if My brother was much younger than I was, so she focused all of that hatred on me.

Honestly, at first it was not that bad. She was just a little strict. It got worse over time though. Once she had moved mother, brother, and I away from our families she changed significantly. Once she hit me the first time, it seemed like that dam holding back all of the abuse broke. It got really bad. Anything I did would set her off it seemed. Anytime I would tell my mother about it, her only excuse was “you know she wouldn’t hit you on purpose”. Yet, when her girlfriend was even a little rough with my little brother, she stopped it from happening right then. In fact, they actually took me out of school because she began to leave marks on my body from the belt. They began to “homeschool” me. She would just start swinging. It was not 1-2 paddlings for messing up. She would swing for 30 seconds, and not stop no matter how you moved. That eventually escalated to full on beating. When I wasn’t getting beaten as punishment, it was grounded. But when she grounded me, it wasn’t like normal grounding. She would litterally make you lay in your bed and stare at the ceiling all day except for meals and the bathroom. I was not even allowed to read a book.

Novels were my solice. I delved into them. I loved escaping from my life. Reading about a hero that overcame adversity in order to succeed. Someone who fought and found the one they loved, and got a happily ever after. Often after a beating for something stupid like disagreeing with her or not smiling when she looked at me because I “had a negative attitude”. Or, when she made a mistake and she caught me smiling “because I was mocking her”. So, I got to stare up at the ceiling all of those days. I got to think about how alone I was. How my family were not around, how my mom would not stop the pain. I mean, at this point they had been together for 6 years. I wasn’t even allowed to hug my mother at all after the first year because “I was being too clingy”. I got told how horrible men were and how they did nothing but deface women. That all of the things about being a man were wrong. The one thing that always went through my mind was, why wasn’t someone saving me? In books, movies, and stories that I was told growing up, good people were always saved. No one came to save me. Those days I contemplated killing myself a lot. I got so close to it, so many times. I tried to run away a few times, during fights with my step mom, but she would just sit behind me in a vehicle or on a four-wheeler and threaten to run me down if I tried.

I eventually got a job on the weekends. One day while I was working, my step mother got angry at me. She came up and screamed at me in front of all of my co-workers. She then backhanded me and tried to make me get into the vehicle with her. Something stopped me at that moment, and I didn’t. She got arrested and sent to jail for the night. I gave my mother a choice, myself or her girlfriend. She called my grandmother, and I moved out. My own mother abandoned me. My life picked up after that though, but my life of seclusion did not prepare me for how much heartbreak I would encounter when I began dating. I still do not understand just what it is about me that caused so many girls to fall for me, and then decide to throw me away. I remember I dated this girl for 2 and a half years. Everything was perfect, but life made me unable to spend as much time with her eventually, and that led her to cheating on me for the attention. I forgave her, but it happened again and again. Then she utterly threw me out of her life.I had similar relationships like that for a while. I grew to hate people. I secluded myself this time. I focused on online gaming, and my online college stuff. Then, while I was playing a game, I met this girl. She was depressed at the time and I helped her through it. She began to talk and we grew really close. I fell for her. I did not know what being inlove ment, until I met this girl. We were so similar, and had so many of the same likes. Every moment I spent with her seemed like it was a moment I was gaining back from all of those children days that I spent wanting to die. The only problem was, that she suffered from depression. She would go through cycles. When I was around she would always be happy and bubbly, but we did not live anywhere near each other and both had lives. I could not be there for her all of the time. When I was not around to help her through those depression cycles, it would be really bad. She began cutting herself more, and thinking about suicide.

Last night, she told her mom about her depression being really bad and suicidal thoughts. Today, a lot of stuff came up, and I was not able to be home so I could talk to her that much on skype while she was in the hospital. She was evaluated and they decided she was going to be an in-patient. I finally got back home to spend the last hour with her. She was crying so much about having to go away, and it made her much more suicidal. I was able to call her down and make her happy again, but I know it will get bad again tomorrow when she wakes up and remembers we can’t see each other for a while. All of that depression that I had when I was growing up, it is all back. I spent the last day, possible ever if she becomes suicidal while she is gone, that I will have with her not able to be home. What makes it worse, the reason I had to be away from home, was a waste of time. So I spent this last day, not being there for her because of a family situation that lasted too long, and it turns out I didn’t even need to be there. I just know, that I will never see her again. I will never get to see her smiling at me again, or hear her tell me that she loves me. I will be all alone in this world again. The love of my life will be gone, and it will be because I was not able to be there and keep her happy. I can’t stop crying, or motivate myself to do any of my schoolwork. I don’t want to live the rest of my life without her. She came into my life, and breathed life into it. She is my princess. I don’t know if I can handle this. I just want the pain and depression to go away.