Hi people.
It’s great to know that there are people that feel just as shitty as I do. I have a more personal blog where I rant about how I keep delaying “The Grand Event” and how there is always some tad of hope I have in humanity. Life,though always makes me regret even being conceived to begin with. I’ve been looking for a method to leave fast and painless I cut,but I’m not cutting to deep.
I know you understand me.Being a 20 year old female, South African.I don’t have much support of this side.My only way is out.
Here is one of my blog entries in my personal blog.
Feel free to save it as a bookmark or some shit like that. I update every Friday.
www.sirgrandad.blogspot.com
Enjoy
….
Last Entry:
The Revelation
Welcome
Reader
You may have heard through the grapevine, maybe even by word of mouth of this paralyzing entry. Of how I, willingly and above all courageously (at least in my own eyes) took my own life and skillfully documented the entire ordeal.
Worry not, I am not know to disappoint my readers. This here is a detailed breakdown of what lead me to my independent self disposal.
Many of you may not have been aware but I have been suffering from severe depression for months now, and have gladly taken to being a self proclaimed ‘Forever Alone’. A lifestyle of loneliness and despair. Where I roam the surface of mother earth, marinating in self pity. Day after day, after day. Sadly being accompanied by non other than my lone self. What lead me to this unfortunate safe haven of mine, was my continuous failure in love. Time and again I give a piece of myself, my emotions (which I find very hard to share) to an unworthy recipient. Only to have them, as fragile as they are, trampled on and ridiculed. It’s not that I “love” too easy. It’s just, being unwanted has me questioning the reason of life. Thus, I have accepted that it is not possible for another human being to “love” me as I am unlovable. Those that do love me I cause nothing but heartache. Emotion wise=Fucked!
My one true love, Buma. My handsome 8 year old canine son. To my despair, is no more. I join today. The perfect love story don’t you think. Beautiful. An eternal slumber with my baby is by far better than this so called “life” I live.
As if I hadn’t kicked myself enough. La Familia finds it necessary to remind me of my life failures and continue to ridicule my “way of life” and so fourth. Their constant cries of “Rebel” and “Satanist” seem to comfort them during their futile ‘interventions’ as they frown upon my being. They always seem to speak negatively of me and insist on forcing their ways of worship upon me. I sit. I sit and I listen because that’s all I can do. No comments, no arguments. I take my accusations and labels, after all they are “MY” markings. So I sit, and I take it. They have made it clear that I need to be who they want me to be, or else I can forget anything from them. Alcoholism is their topic of choice, many a times they shower me with this diagnosis. After isolation and hours on end of counting sadness, I don’t see how indulging in my juices of choice is so bad. But God forbid I drink. Unreasonable fuckn people.
Now that I am socially retarded, incapable of communicating with the modern day young adult.I am left permanently mentally parched. Day after day, routine after routine I am proud to say that is no life to live. These confessions are merely spur of the moment, but I will always be like this. I am not compatible with human beings. Therefore I have failed in life. I cannot run from this life, had I chosen to go on I would be stuck with la familia, stuck in depression.
Just this morning I awoke from my slumber in tears. Can you even begin to fathom the depth of this cause? Dreams. In my dream, I sat in a bubble filled bathtub weeping sorrowfully. I was so hurt, so alone that the cries of my dreams awoke me in tears. My dreams were my refuge.That is no longer the case. My dreamland is now reality.
I despise this “story” that I am destined to live. I have no other story too live. The only people I have: la familia have made it very clear that without them I am incapable of survival. Maybe they’re right. With them it’s hell. I feel as though there was some sort of a placement problem when I was created. Some shit-face out there has my mother-fucking family! I love my family, don’t get me wrong. They’re all I’ve known. But let’s just say if they weren’t my family I’d despise the living shit outta them.
As much as I feel this way, I have no one to ease the pain. Absolutely NOBODY. No friends, nothing. I cannot live like this. I don’t wish this life on my worst enemy.
Last year, during the peak of my happiness. One would smack you straight across the face if they heard I was “sad”. Gone are those Happy Days. Blissful days that welcomed me with daily warm embraces! Unfortunately 2014 is the inverse of last year. Year of anguish.
Nonetheless I write this entry today as a farewell to those who where blessed enough to know me, but ignored me at a time I needed them most.
I’d do it again tomorrow and the day after that if it meant I had to go through this again. You know, when a fellow human being has such little (if not, none existent) happiness in their life, that thoughts of “leaving it all behind” soothes them. This option is the only option they have. NOT seem to have…but….ACTUALLY have!
I wouldn’t call what I’ve done suicide, but rather causally leaving a story. Those that knew me well, knew me for being an wise storyteller. And so I gracefully conclude my life story.
It was never meant to be.
My faith now only lies in reincarnation. My religion detests it. I however have space for hope. Hope of a different story. A well fitting story. A more accepting story.
Therefore I can confidently say:
None of you should set foot at my funeral! You bitches didn’t have time for me when my heart still beat. I don’t want you there!!!
If u insist though (although highly non recommended) puff away in my name!
Farewell Reader,
thank you for giving me a moment of your time.
Grandad
(^•^)
Don’t forget to visit my blog to read more!
4 comments
Hi GranDad… I understand delaying death because there is some small hope that things will turn bright. I’ve been stuck in a cycle for a few years now. The days grew extremely dark, got a little brighter, and the clouds have moved back in. I experience the lonely and despair piece… That makes things even worse. There are some good people on this site and it’s a nice community. Maybe it could help you feel a little less lonely? To some degree, it has for me.
You write really well and I have a good impression from your post of what you’re experiencing. I’m sorry for your tears and pain… and for the loss of your dog. I hope that, at 20, you don’t think the Happy Days are gone forever. The inverse has a habit of re-occurring. When times are rough, sometimes less stressful moments follow. Things can get better.
Keep writing. It helps me when I put my thoughts on paper. You’re definitely articulate and convey a powerful vision. I hope that it helps you at least a little bit. Please don’t give up.
Hi Distant.Road
You’re words are very kind,and for that I am thankful. Nobody knows the hell I live and it’s good to get a different opinion on life. The only thing that keeps me sane and constant delaying is the ongoing documentation of this cruel happening.
Distant, realistically speaking. If you understand how I feel. Please enlighten me,and fellow readers.
How?
How do I stop feeling this way.
We both know one cannot just arise healed.
What do I do?
How can color be restored in such a dark abyss?
Arise healed? Trial by fire and hammer forges some of the best tempered and toughest material inside and out. Granted it sucks as it happens but the the end product is resilient. Have you learned more about who you are and who you are not in times of fun and Ease. Or times of trial and tribulation? This life is hard because we are not suppose to be hear. We belong to a different world. A place of great peace and knowledge. We must come here to see how we would react under pressure. A lot like reading a history book or being a keyboard cowboy. If you are not there is real time it is easy to criticize others and say how we would do it. I am not anti suicide, i just believe if we can cope, we should as we prove and learn more from this trip.
There I must agree u speak wisely. I too am convinced that we should not be here.I too believe that this is a strenuous test that we must all time. But like all tests taken,there is a certain number of people who pass well,but with hard work.Abd others who fail,while having studied hard,but not hard enough.
Time.Above all holds tolerance of ones very existence. Hold long can you stand it?We all fights individual battles daily.Like any battle,you either win or lose.I have learned and understood who I am.Thus coming to this sad conclusion. I am not strong enough.
I admit to defeat.
Maybe it’s physiological.
I’m sure it is,because as much sense as you and I both know you are making….
Somehow my mind does not register to it.