Happiness.

Sometimes you think you have everything under control, that your pretty smile and laugh is hiding everything. But sometimes you don’t see the cracks on the surface till others do.

In the past 20 years of my life, I’ve had one special friend they I could by my whole self too, she knew what I did and how I felt most days because she had the same feelings about life. She’s been my best friend since I was 3. We never got the chance to go to school together but she was always a short car ride or a phone call away. Everyday throughout high school we would talk on the phone when we got home. We’d tell each other how our day went, the good and the bad. I feel like this kept us in check, in terms of cutting, we’d get through a day of school and just vent when we got home. When we got to university we couldn’t do this anymore due to long distance phone bills, we tried to text but that didn’t last long, someone would always read something the wrong way, and we never found it a good way of communicating.

We kind of lost touch due to lack of communication, and we’d only ever meeting up when we were back home for breaks. During our separation she found someone special and became really happy, and has stopped cutting. We rarely keep in touch, but I still think about her everyday, ‘m happy for her, that she found happiness.

Upon entering university, about 3 years ago,  I also met another close friend, she was one of my 4 roommates, and we continued to be roommates for another year. We really hit it off, both of us were very serious about our studies so we worked well together, we had the same sense of humor and were good at cheering each other up and motivating one another when school became to hard to stressful. I don’t think she ever cut, she never knew I did, but I do know like myself, she wasn’t truly happy. Due to some unexpected housing circumstance we split up this year and are both living in separate houses. But man I have never seen her so happy in the two years I’ve known her.

I found two people that I thought I could be myself around, two people who I trusted enough not to pretend I was happy when I wasn’t.  The first knew my worst secrets, but I couldn’t tell the second about how sad I really was, and that I cut. But now they are so happy without me in their lives.

I feel like I only bring sadness to the people around me. I still have friends in university, but none of them know that I spend most of nights crying and cutting. I don’t think I could ever tell any of them. My secrets are a wall between them and myself. I don’t think I will ever truly have a best friend like the first, how can I call anyone my best friend if they can’t accept me for who I am since they don’t know how dark my thoughts are.

I  feel all alone.

I am alone.

I just want to disappear and go some place far far away.

I feel like i’m waiting for a life that is never going to happen.

I life where I am happy.

I want to die.