Nobody to trust

Since I was 6 years old I wanted to be like everyone else, I was always very shy, hated hanging out with guys cause they were mean to me, only girls were nice to me at the time. I felt inferior to everyone around me, I am very sensitive to everything and it just annoyed people because of it. My grades always sucked at school, I was stupid and sometimes just tried to annoy people cause people hated me anyways. I always felt like I am ugly, and hate mirrors or any reflection of any kind cause I can’t look at myself. Around 5th grade I moved to a new state and maybe a fresh start. Of course I fucked it up and everyone hated me all over again except for a girl and she kinda convinced others to not hate me. After that year I went to middle school and its like she forgot I even existed after that but whatever. year wasn’t too bad, then 7th grade came and I was really depressed and thought about suicide a lot and people weren’t nice but whatever. I was kinda mean to some people to try to feel better and I regret it and feel bad for it still. Im just gonna fast forward to high school in 10th grade. So sometime around that year I discover I am sexually attracted to dead girls and I freak out. Im really scared if I can’t control myself and do something nasty and messed up and afraid of what people think of me. Everyday when I get home from school I get upset and feel very lonely and I hate myself. I cry and I hit things and just get angry, im suicidal and I don’t know what to do. I eventually just went online to try to talk to people cause it was a lot easier online, basically the same thing im doing now. I even feel stupid right now as I type this because my grammar and writing sucks. I spent so much time on the computer and wouldn’t get off cause I wanted to escape, I got grounded because I spent too much time on there. So when school ended I had to work with my dad for the summer and his boss payed me but I couldn’t concentrate at work. I would go to the bathroom at work frequently to cry and masturbate and just to think. When I went home I would hit myself, and when I would punch the wall I would bleed sometimes. I got really angry at life I guess, I would scream and cry and if you saw me you would know I was crazy. well summer eventually ended and I got some money from working which I used to buy a ps4. Early in the year I felt desperate to actually talk to someone now and not just online. If I felt depressed I would laugh with no control, it really scared me, felt like I had 2 personalities and one of them was trying to control me. I would hear voices in my head, telling me to do things…I had many urges and attracted to so many fucked up things. like strangling, killing, rape, pain, blood… I eventually started stabbing myself with just pens, nothing too bad. One day in my italian class this girl just started looking at me and I tried looking away but she still looked at me and finally I turned and she just said hi. It wasn’t like any other hi…the look on her face was a “whats wrong” kinda look. Eventually I sat in the same table as her..felt like I should but im not so sure right now..She would ask me constantly if I was ok and whats wrong and stuff like that, im sure you all know what im talking about. There is 3 parts to my life, one of them is my family and home, another is school and students, and the last is loneliness and internet. I apologize if I am confusing anyone reading this but im bad at this kind of stuff. My day would start with having dreams of people being mean to me because of my attractions and dead girls. I wake up, I fantasize about some of the girls in my school being dead, sorry if i creep any of you out. I would then get yelled at by my brother that im gonna be late to school, I would get to school late usually or barely on time. During my classes I wouldn’t be able to concentrate because of my depression. I would usually just space out and ignore everyone. And a few people asking me whats wrong and I would just keep lying. I would be very tired and I would go home and when im home alone I would do my crazy raging and crying. I would watch necrophillia porn and talk to myself. My family would get home from work one by one and I would just get angry at them for no reason. I would do no homework and go to sleep. I sometimes got grounded for my crappy grades and my dad would get really angry at me, I couldn’t use the internet so that means no escape from the depression. I got more and more desperate, laughing right before crying, voices in my head, suicidal thoughts, nobody to trust…My dad also got desperate and threatened to take $3000 away from my bank account that he has complete control over. One day I lied about doing my homework, my dad got angry, grounded me and told me to do it, I felt weak and wanted to give up, I wouldn’t do it. He got really angry and I started laughing…its not funny…it was crying in disguise, by the monster inside of me…He said “you think this is a game?” I got really really angry, turning into a physcopath and future serial killer if I don’t kill myself is not a game..but nobody knew. I just yelled at him and he yelled and at me, grabbed me by my neck and slammed me against the wall and just looked right at me..worst look on anyones face I had ever seen. I was forced to do homework and needed the computer for it so when I grabbed it I stabbed myself with the charger and that night planned to kill myself. What kept me going was all the people asking me what was wrong, especially that girl always asking me at least once a week and I finally learned her name was taylor, took a long ass time. I had this feeling she went through depression, self harmed and all of that stuff but still didn’t want to trust her. I had a feeling if I told her anything she would get creeped out and think im crazy and tell everyone or just give up on me so I randomly flipped her off for the future things she would do. Months later after a lot of arguing with my dad, stabbing myself with a small knife, urges to hurt people especially girls, (I have nothing against girls, im just attracted to horrible things), hearing voices, etc. I finally actually lost it in class and started laughing after I stabbed myself in class and bled on the table and taylor and her friend noticed and the uncontrollable laughing was too much I said “help me” without thinking. The monster that didn’t let me cry, the voices in my head, the urges, they were the bullies, a lot worse then all the other bullies I ever had to deal with in the past, The invisible bullies..I finally cried a little and even still I said “Im fine” and started smiling..what was I supposed to say, Even when im alone and talk to myself about my problems I have to whisper because if I say it louder I will cry and stutter. Taylor gave me a hug I didn’t feel I deserved, I fantasized about her dead body too..so the hug was empty. a while later I told her without thinking I was attracted to dead girls and she wasn’t sure what to think of it. I couldn’t believe I told her, I always keep things to myself. Later that week I kept hurting myself right before spring break and she noticed..I admit I sometimes did it to get a persons attention that I need help, but only she was supposed to notice, not her friend. When spring break started I came home crying and almost killed myself, that week without school I did a new thing, I strangled myself just to get turned on, when I returned taylor gave me her phone number, I had a dream that she would the day before, and I knew why she did it. I texted her about my issues and she told me about her past, she also had problems with depression, I just knew she would but I knew I couldn’t trust her, if I was right about that, I had to be right about more things. I eventually thought of her as my friend but I knew it wouldn’t last, school ended, it was summer, 2 weeks into summer and I almost die just because something turns me on, taylor calls the suicide hotline number and i end up in a mental hospital just as predicted before I even met her. I spend 3 days there with mostly just depressed girls and that shit turns me on and makes me feel very sad. I lie to everyone and I even believe my own lies. Just like people can say mean things to me and I start to believe they are true. I told lies to myself of  not being depressed for months and eventually believe my own lies and I am blind to the truth making it easier to lie to anyone questioning me. For the rest of the summer taylor gets her phone taken away and…it all ends. Back to school and now she avoids me like I never existed, just as I feared, Im seeing a therapist I have to lie to and I can’t kill myself, there is no way out..what do I do?? I am too lazy to reread this and check for mistakes so any questions just comment. I feel like my heart is being stabbed and I just want it to go away. I have a boner because my own depression and pain turns me on and…just..help…