So…my thought for the day is that I will probably never be happy. I don’t I have it in me. You don’t get to live how I’ve lived and be happy. There is no peace for me here.
Despite that, for the time being, I think I still want to live. I still want to pursue my goals, however out of reach they seem, even knowing that gaining them will bring nothing but momentary satisfaction before the gnawing discontent returns.
The main obstacles to this settlement are sleep and work.
On my days off I can usually cope with my overwhelming anxiety/existential dread by focusing on other things. I can pursue whatever petty goals or interests appeal, and push awareness of other things to the background.
The problem arises when I need to sleep. I just can’t switch off. My body remains locked in alert mode, even when I’m exhausted. My mind knows that all is far from ok, without even going into specific troubling thoughts. When I was a child, I used to get to sleep by essentially thinking happy thoughts – even when I was anxious. I used to imagine myself at some future point being happy, and that was enough. But that doesn’t really work anymore. I can’t imagine myself being content, at any future point. And I’ve never found a reliable alternative to put my mind and body at rest.
I feel like I’ve tried all the standard solutions. I’ve tried getting lots of exercise, warm baths, sticking to routine, cutting out technology use, meditation, yoga, muscle relaxation. None of it really changes the awareness in my mind that something is dreadfully wrong. I’ve tried a number of non-prescription remedies and medications, and they haven’t really made a dent in it. I’m tempted to try prescription sleeping pills, but going to the doctors makes me incredibly anxious, and I get the impression they don’t really work long term. If I could just switch off when I needed sleep, rather than thrashing about for hours, it would make it so much easier to cope. As it is, I spend most of my days in a zombified state.
The other main barrier is work. I’m thinking of quitting my job in a couple of months, so that may provide some temporary relief, but long-term I need to find some way to deal with it. I think the issue is that having to be around people for extended periods without being able to distract myself with other interests forces me into awareness of all my fears. It means I have to confront how disconnected and lonely I feel, how inadequate, how meaningless what I’m doing is. Being around other people who seem at ease, happy, comfortable with themselves etc. only serves to highlight these feelings. It leaves me desperate for a way out, with no way to focus on other things.
So anyway, I think those are the two main factors that keep pulling me back to this place, despite parts of me wanting to live. Maybe at some point I’ll find some kind of solution, and then I can get on with being functionally unhappy like so many others. ‘Til then I guess I’m stuck on the fence.
Props to anyone who made it through this extensive post.
6 comments
I can relate to much if what you said, albeit on a less severe basis. I think we all have a mask or seven for every day situations, some of mine are a little frayed around the edges these days!
Is it so wrong to ackowledge being ok with not being ok? Granted its not nice but personally I am atarting to accept things about me that I kept inside a deep dark box for years. Its changed me, no doubt, but acceptance of myself is the hardest thing I have had to deal with.
It sounds like you have tried nearly everything which at least means you can give loads of advice to others: just one of your values I’m sure 🙂
If I may ask: would quitting work be a short term or long term help? Only because if you’re unhappy atm then would the stress of no job just add problems when you decide to search in future, or would a career change help?
Granted existing isnt nice, we all need something to aim for, although you havent found it yet, I hope this year gives youna pleasant surprise with your decisions 🙂 …I’m sorry I can be more useful
I hope quitting my job would be a short term help. I have a fair bit of money saved so I can afford to be without one for a while. In the long term, I’d have to either find a better way of coping with being around people, or a job that doesn’t involve that. I don’t feel like I have it in me at the moment to search for a better job, but I’m hoping that will change when I have less to deal with.
Ahhh right. Awesome cakes then 🙂
I really hope it gives you some form of pace, I guess you’ve worked hard to achieve what you have so far so I’m sure you can only succeed with your next steps. Perhaps a good nights’ sleep is on the horizon?
Your mention of being able to just think happy thoughts as a kid whereas now it doesnt work really resonated with me too :-/ its nearly 2am here and I ought to sleep but sometimes it just doesnt happen. Not as badly as what you describe though..
Thanks, though wouldn’t say I’ve worked hard or achieved much, just spent very little money over several years (having no life has it’s advantages.)
I wish I could just flip a switch and shut off my mind. It’s so hard to let go and fall asleep, when you have such a strong feeling that things are wrong, and there’s nothing you can tell yourself that will make it ok.
I get what it feels like to just want to be able to shut off your mind. I didn’t sleep at at and recently I can’t seem to get enough. Still doesn’t stop the old noggin from thinking what it wants to think though. Have you tried melatonin? It’s natural and safe. Better alternative than jumping into sleep aids. Imo they work for a little bit and then just make things worse. Hope you get the rest you need.
Thanks for that – haven’t tried melatonin, will give it a go.