Blank

I lost my baby within three years of her birth. Before that, I was moderately depressed. Once in a while I would break down into tears, I was even afraid to look in the mirror. I’ve seen myself as a monster most of my life. If not I as a monster, then I as someone surrounded by them. I’ve been married to my husband for quite a while now, I love him dearly but his depression only piles onto mine. He’s put a gun to his head around 238 times now, once just recently. He pulled the trigger all but that last time, all bullets were duds. That’s amazing to me, having 237 bullets fail to kill my love of my life. The last time, he thought of me with the gun against his head, and that was enough to convince him to put it down.

We have been separated by distance for a while now, thanks to my occupation. I’m from Germany, born and raised. I met him when I was travelling to America and stayed for a while. The distance is hardest on me, but he still finds ways to bring tears of joy to my eyes when I’m drowning in my self caused misery.

Lately I’ve been getting worse. I take pills, I went through a mental hospital, and I passed therapy and am no longer required to go to it. I don’t know what has gotten into me, maybe it’s my knowledge of being told I won’t be able to see my husband in person again for two more years.

I tied myself a noose the same night my husband put a gun to his head, we were both ready to end it together, yet apart. I put it around my throat last night while on the phone with him, I wish I could say why, but truth is, I did it without thinking.

After it was around my throat, I told him about it and burst out into tears. Eventually he calmed me down to the point where I was only whimpering. He convinced me to remove it with various threats of “I’ll be mad at you” and “I will take this to heart if I need to.” I don’t want him to blame himself for my stupidity. After I took it off, he told me”if you want something around your neck, put on a necklace,” in the calmest voice he could. I started crying so hard, and agreed to wear a necklace.

That is a sweet story and all, but my issue still isn’t at bay. Each time, I get close and closer to my own death. First time, I simply tied the noose, second time, I hung it on a tree, third time, last night, it was off of the tree but around my neck. Earlier, it was around the tree and my neck, but I could reach the ground. What’s next, I’m standing on a stool with my death pending? Each time I do something like this I go blank. I’m down on my knees, begging myself to spare myself and my husband from such pain. I get visions of myself hanging from the tree, and hear the rope swing me. It’s painful, and I’ve run out of options for myself. Since my baby girl has died, I’ve been severely depressed. It’s only getting worse and worse, and I had hit manic depression years ago. I don’t even know what to call this depression now, it’s pure torture. I starve myself and dehydrate myself without even meaning to, I’m an insomniac, my art consists of mostly tears and torture.. what am I to do with myself? I’m fighting so hard, and I’m not the only one trying to take my life from me. I’ve had a man slit the side of my throat last week, I’ve had people starve me at a mental institution. I’ve been tortured, something I will never speak stories of, though I still feel the pain and emotion. I’ve been drugged and homeless, used and abused. Date raped, shot and stabbed. I just won’t f**king die.

I guess that’s a good thing though, I’m here to save the mind of my husband, and make sure he doesn’t follow my footsteps. I guess I just need advice on how to tame my mind, because I don’t want to die. I’m in love, I’m happy with him, but I still blank out and try to kill myself. This life is just so cruel..