Been a while. I’m actually feeling better. For a while now. I guess getting a job changes a person. I just felt like talking about some of the things I learned the past month working as a delivery driver. So I work about 20 hr a week. Not much, but I have college to think about. I work the graveyard shift so It’s been fucking with my sleep schedule. Finding an apartment at 2 am in the rain kind of sucks. Tips are ok sometimes. Sometimes not. I messed up an order once and […]
Monthly Archives
February 2018
I’m tired of being told that my brother isn’t improving from his chemo treatments, tired of my own medication never being just right. I thought that my grades were doing better but they’re slipping again. I’m tired of having to ignore the fact that I am no longer allowed to be with the group of people that I once called friends, and just be a tool to them, thrown away once I am no longer needed. I’m just tired of calling it another day, I want it to be a better day. A day that grades are good, a day that I’m not told what […]
First entry, and it’s about school. Haha.
Considering the background I am from, grades are very important. There is a lot of pressure for me to have good grades. I know this and try my best. It is the start of a new trimester, and the end of the second one and I am, in a way, panicking. I was doing fine first trimester, and came home with straight A’s. Last trimester however, I started to feel myself fall apart. I was turning work in late, not finishing work, as well as feeling that there is no point anymore. Yes, I should be doing my homework […]
Why do I go on?
I did everything right. I stayed on at school, went first to college then to university. I was good to people I met and was friendly to everyone. SO WHAT WENT WRONG?
I don’t know. Once I finished university I saw a great future ahead for me, that was 2006.
Since then I have had a huge number of dead end jobs the longest lasting a year the shortest only weeks.
Though I like women I haven’t been in a relationship in that time. In the last few months I have been talking to a younger woman, yesterday I asked […]
What do you need? Are you tired? Why can’t we get what we want?
Today was my breaking point. I’m tired of leeching off of others’ friends because I don’t have any of my own. I’m tired of people who, instead of listening to what you have to say, simply go through life waiting for their turn to speak, others be damned.
I’m tired of having to resort to companions who don’t give a shit about anyone else. I can’t even remember the last time I had a true friendship with an actual flesh and blood person.
I’m closer to taking my life than I have ever been. The degree with which I am truly alone and truly unwanted hit me […]
Im tired of being betrayed over and over again. Im in mexico rightnow and the Nice thing about that is you can walk into any pharmacy and buy just about whatever you want without a prescription. I think ill go grab me a ton of benzos and muscle relaxers and go for a nice long swim far out into the ocean tonight. Maybe ill make it back, maybe i wont, either way, should be an eventful night. If i make it back maybe ill take it as a sign that the time isnt right. Whatever, im a strong swimmer, so who knows. I guess it […]
Today I lived for few hours.
I went on a date with a sweet girl. I had it all going fine for me, we have had fun, she really enjoyed my company.
The problems started later…
When I got back home, I got back to my depressed mom. To the shattered dreamland of her needs and feelings. To the half fine home of ours. To the family of abused kids. She was abused when she were young, and later on her life, she wasn’t the perfect mom. She is mentally ill, and she many times, abused me and my brother verbally and with lots of mental manipulations.
She […]
I wonder how my shitty friends and rapist are doing being able to go to school and finish their degrees and accomplish their dreams right now? They don’t care the depression they put me through one bit. I bet they’re happy poor little depressed girl is not there to put a damp to their party. I bet others that don’t know of all the struggles my life has put me through laugh at how much of a failure I am. I bet all their futures look so bright while I sit here dim and dull wishing an everlasting night. Oh if I had known that […]
I’m gonna translate a joke from romanian to english, it’s a romanian hip hop song lyric: many women see the penis and ask why does this banana have veins? Hahaha 🙂
Does anyone really truly care about me? No.
Does anyone really truly care about you? I don’t think so. What do you think?
Today I’m feeling completely emotionless. I’ve had goals by the time I was 24 id have my social life as well as my work life into place. But seems like I’m depressed most of the time things are just becoming a marage
Damn it flucking sucks to live with these two bytches I live with, they make me nervous, make my life hell. I eagerly await like a stupid shyt to leave this fuckin house for years. My father is a fuck3d up son of a gun too and all the other people and nature who are involved or not maybe contribute to my living nightmare
I have no money, job, many things and I’m a stupid asshole too.
Especially those who are supposed to be the ones who can help you the most. Even more so when youve already agreed on a treatment plan and a price and yet once you get there they have more important things to do. Not even important personal things, simply things theyd rather be doing than doing their job. They know how much money and time i invested in getting here, only to ignore me for something else they could do anytime. Im beginning to lose faith in those i trusted most. I dont know why i even try, but this will be the last time. My […]
Having a another really bad night. Everything feels like it’s wrong in my world again. I’m so afraid of myself and can’t fully accept my reality. I honestly just want to feel genuinely loved. I think I have friends who love me but I don’t really feel anything from people regardless of that. My own self loathing is getting in the way of everything. I feel like my constant down personality is driving everyone away as well. Subconsciously I kind of want them gone at the same time as needing them. I fear that if people get too close they’ll discover the truth and desert me […]
I’ve been wondering lately about what is going to happen to me after I do this….is it going to be all fire and brimstone? Or are there going to be fluffy clouds and angels playing harps? Or is it going to be dark nothingness? Or reincarnation in a world exactly like this one? Or maybe a world like this one but slightly better or slightly worse….
For some reason I thought about the sister of an acquaintance of mine who killed herself several years ago. Â I barely knew the acquaintance, let alone her sister. Â But I have this vivid memory of going grocery shopping with […]
im 21 years old with nothing to look forward to in life. im not studying, im not working, im just–im just a waste of space.
so i set a date. and i hope at that day that plan will come through.
but i’ll admit that it’ll be sad leaving my friends and my 6 years old sister behind. theyre the only ones, the only reasons why im still around.
i have a crush, and he lives at the end of the world. so far from me. and i love him now and promised id stay for him but sometimes i just dont know anymore.
he lost one of his […]
I have some dreams but I can’t make them a reality. The death of some dreams
Do you like reality or would you like to create your own world?
Actually reality is mixed with dreams, illusions and myths.
They don’t know for sure if the soul exists but the pain I have felt in my chest over the years doesn’t point to a physical problem. My soul was in mental, emotional pain many times
Hello, back in 2012 when i was 12-13 years old I got diagnosed with a severe case of depression and got medication as a result of therapy alone not working, my depression was caused by constant physical and verbal bullying and being alone not being able to ask my family for help because my brother had autism and i did not want to be a burden, a year goes by with medication and home schooling and I get to go back in school with a soft scedual (fewer classes than normal kids to care over my mental health) back then i where often on this […]