February 2018

What’s that chat button from above that says when you click “Cheatin’ uh? Sorry, you are not allowed to access this site.” what’s that?

Last night I was all ready- I’ve been preparing awhile now.

I had the DDMP method minus actual morphine.
I had Valium & Chl in a bowl with baby food.
I had alcohol. Few stiff drinks I felt relaxed. I’d taken anti-emetics and even anti histamines.

I started taking- and it was impossible.

The baby food mixture was unearthly- a taste like nothing on earth. My mind and body rebelled and heaved.
The DDMP was in sweet fruit syrup- my first sip I retched and my stomach heaved, anti-emetics be damned.

I couldn’t do it- the taste was too much and my physiological reactions took twenty […]

Finally, it seems I am going to have some closure to this shit life. I am about to order a panacea for quick suicide, and that will be the end of Madhur Gupta.

No regrets. No should’ve/could’ve. Just death.

I’m sad. What do I say?

Did I fail at life? :'(

As a kid I was always left out and lonely. It made me create a lot of imaginary friends and a strong creative mind. However it made me want attention and when I didn’t get that, it made me cry. I had so many bad things happen to me I closed myself off from the world and now I don’t know who I am. All I knew was that I was an attention seeker and horrible person because I did bad things just for attention. I hate myself so so much but I can’t figure this out because I don’t know who I am or […]

I think about you a lot.

Are you well?

I’ve read a lot of posts on here without making an account for two reasons. One is because I felt no need to, and the second is because I didn’t want others to laugh with me if they ever found out that I made an account. They would follow me around on here, reading my posts and laughing, thinking that what they do does no harm.

I don’t know where to begin.

I feel like none of my friends are reliable enough. I feel like no matter what, i’ll grow up to be a failure and live alone and not do anything. I feel like I am […]

hey y’all. I haven’t been posting, but lurking nonetheless.

ive been trying really hard to focus on work, school, and my loved ones. As I write this I’m visiting my grandparents, who I love with my entire heart, and my bratty cousins, who I love just as much.

i fell asleep crying on their couch last night because I felt so guilty about my secret, the fact that I can barely handle getting up everyday anymore. they all know I have a past with self injury and my grandma is constantly thinking my really deep scars on my legs are new cuts almost every time she sees […]

dying inside…

It all started in 7 grade the year of 2017 in the month of April that i lost my virginity to one of my brothers friends he was 18 i was 14. He made me promise him i wouldn’t tell anybody and i didn’t, but he told everyone then told my brother and dad then moved out and when i started going out or school all i would get is dirty looks and people would say things about me behind my back. Started calling me names “slut” “whore” “skank” “*****” i tried to ignore it but it just kept being thrown at me. […]

You killed us both,
Now don’t get me wrong I know this is all my fault but we were hanging by a thread and you cut the string.
Now you can say I was too much and I pushed you too far, beat us both black and blue and covered us in scars but, I never once gave up.
I was in a bad place for a long time said and did so many fucked up things but I loved you, with all my heart, that part was true and you know it.
May have been sick and twisted but i loved you.
You weren’t […]

So, I was in the middle of looking up the best ways to kill myself when a friend knocked on my door and asked if she could borrow a skirt. After she left, I went right back to doing what I was doing before and somehow it was the funniest thing. Like I was laughing hysterically. I mean I felt so shitty, yet I was still able to interact with her normally, and she didn’t even notice anything was up. I don’t know if this makes any sense, but just thought I’d share.