February 2018

A amazing weekend ruined. I don’t get why does she have to fucking ruin everything. I never get any respect in my own home. No one every fucking sticks up for me. But when I did attempt all I get told is too shut up and stop being immature by my mother. But yet my sister pretty much mocks and makes fun of my boyfriend all weekend when hes not in the room and nothing gets done to defend him or me. So it was pretty much me sticking up for him and all he does is tell me it;s ok.

Umm NO! it’s not even […]

What’s that chat button from above that says when you click “Cheatin’ uh? Sorry, you are not allowed to access this site.” what’s that?

Last night I was all ready- I’ve been preparing awhile now.

I had the DDMP method minus actual morphine.
I had Valium & Chl in a bowl with baby food.
I had alcohol. Few stiff drinks I felt relaxed. I’d taken anti-emetics and even anti histamines.

I started taking- and it was impossible.

The baby food mixture was unearthly- a taste like nothing on earth. My mind and body rebelled and heaved.
The DDMP was in sweet fruit syrup- my first sip I retched and my stomach heaved, anti-emetics be damned.

I couldn’t do it- the taste was too much and my physiological reactions took twenty […]

Finally, it seems I am going to have some closure to this shit life. I am about to order a panacea for quick suicide, and that will be the end of Madhur Gupta.

No regrets. No should’ve/could’ve. Just death.

I’m sad. What do I say?

Did I fail at life? :'(

As a kid I was always left out and lonely. It made me create a lot of imaginary friends and a strong creative mind. However it made me want attention and when I didn’t get that, it made me cry. I had so many bad things happen to me I closed myself off from the world and now I don’t know who I am. All I knew was that I was an attention seeker and horrible person because I did bad things just for attention. I hate myself so so much but I can’t figure this out because I don’t know who I am or […]

I think about you a lot.

Are you well?

I’ve read a lot of posts on here without making an account for two reasons. One is because I felt no need to, and the second is because I didn’t want others to laugh with me if they ever found out that I made an account. They would follow me around on here, reading my posts and laughing, thinking that what they do does no harm.

I don’t know where to begin.

I feel like none of my friends are reliable enough. I feel like no matter what, i’ll grow up to be a failure and live alone and not do anything. I feel like I am […]

hey y’all. I haven’t been posting, but lurking nonetheless.

ive been trying really hard to focus on work, school, and my loved ones. As I write this I’m visiting my grandparents, who I love with my entire heart, and my bratty cousins, who I love just as much.

i fell asleep crying on their couch last night because I felt so guilty about my secret, the fact that I can barely handle getting up everyday anymore. they all know I have a past with self injury and my grandma is constantly thinking my really deep scars on my legs are new cuts almost every time she sees […]

dying inside…

It all started in 7 grade the year of 2017 in the month of April that i lost my virginity to one of my brothers friends he was 18 i was 14. He made me promise him i wouldn’t tell anybody and i didn’t, but he told everyone then told my brother and dad then moved out and when i started going out or school all i would get is dirty looks and people would say things about me behind my back. Started calling me names “slut” “whore” “skank” “*****” i tried to ignore it but it just kept being thrown at me. […]

You killed us both,
Now don’t get me wrong I know this is all my fault but we were hanging by a thread and you cut the string.
Now you can say I was too much and I pushed you too far, beat us both black and blue and covered us in scars but, I never once gave up.
I was in a bad place for a long time said and did so many fucked up things but I loved you, with all my heart, that part was true and you know it.
May have been sick and twisted but i loved you.
You weren’t […]