Seriously the days are getting so hard :(. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am so sick of pretending to be happy and doing what I am supposed to. I know my life isn’t going to change. Tonight it took almost everything I had to not just run away and hide and start over alone. Seriously I have like no friends. No one to talk to and I am so sick of being alone and having no one when I need them. The only voices I hear are on tv. :(. I don’t know how long I can live in this sucluded life.
i find some days my desire to fight for life is almost nonexistent. Like today, I really just want it to be over. I know I have to now because I feel like it’s to close to the holidays. It’s like I’m committed till at least the first of the year now. 🙁 I just really hate everything
Hazy, remember when you said I should die my hair pink?? Well this happened tonight and I LOVE it. It’s not pink but it is so me! I actually feel really good! Thank you for being such a good person 🙂 you really do make a difference. Now I am sitting back and waiting on the backlash.
The only thing keeping me here is I really want to find myself again and see if I am any happier. So here is a really long vent.
6 years ago I was a teenager. I drove drag cars, I worked 2 jobs, I spent my days off working on my street car, I was a huge canabis smoker. I had a place to live and a room mate, and when I threw a party people came from miles around to be there. I would leave and catch a plane and go places on a whim because I wanted to get away. I was losing weight […]
I hate nights. They are the absolute hardest. Everything is quiet, I have no family or friends. I go through my phone trying to find someone to talk to and no one responds. I scroll through my Facebook that I haven’t posted on in weeks and it’s all holiday pictures of families. It’s human nature to want someone to share your life with and I hate it. So I sit in silence in my room and read articles. :(. It’s such a lonely life at the end of the day.
First failed attempt was Monday night I wasn’t feeling particularly suicidal but I saw an opportunity and took it.
Last night i took took a few bottles of sleeping pills but every time I would stop breathing I would jerk awake and concentrate on breathing. Needless to say it was a miserable night.
I just want it to be over.
So I have posted I fell in love for the first time with my ex boyfriend. He went to work one night and never came home and he had another gf. He blocked me everywhere and said he never wanted to talk to me or see me again.
Tuesday night he sent me a txt that said “?” I did not respond because it’s been so long but I did check and I was blocked by him but could get on his gfs profile. And they were still together and happy according to her
this morning I woke up to a missed call from him. I didn’t […]
I am really trying here. I’m trying to do things that make me happy. I am trying to figure out ways to make things work. My kids are going away for the weekend. I will be alone and I know what that is going to do to me. I will want to end it. I will be completely alone with no one to talk to. No one will txt or call. I tried to make plans but all fell through. The quiet suffocates me. I can already feel the pain. I know if I don’t figure something out I will try to end it and […]
Today’s OCD thoughts are brought to you today by cheaters.
I have have been cheated on in every relationship I have ever been in and today o keep going over how it must feel. To be the person who has 2 ppl to choose from, a lot of times (in my cases) 2 people that love them.
I wonder what it’s like to have multiple people to love you?? I have never even had 1 person love me so it actually really is perplexing to me having 2 people love you or hell even WANT you. 9 hours this morning circling this idea in my head over […]
A happy ending is not in the cards for me…
I will never be the pretty one
I will never have the great body
I will never make enough money
I will never be loved
I will never be good enough
I see everyone around happy. I have given up all hope that a happy ending is ever in the cards for me. So I am just going to go through the daily motions and not worry about it. I’m just not good enough.
I had several really good days.. Until last night
Today is another day, I can’t shut my brain off, the thoughts circling around in my head I want to die.
Why don’t I just end it because I know how this works, I have a few good days and then they turn bad, very bad. I feel like the good days aren’t even worth living anymore because I never know when my mind is going to switch. I hate everything. I hate living like this. This isn’t a life, it’s just full of pain.
So this is going to be long and grammar has never been my strong point. Plus I cracked my screen really bad so it’s hard to type. Maybe getting it out will help, maybe not. Either way I have to try something to help.
I Had a rough childhood starting when I was 6 was when I first remember wanting to die. I never fit in.
Continue on and I never had any friends. Not once did a boy ever show interest in me (even the cute kindergarten crushes). I always felt broken.
When hen I hit puberty I gained a lot of weight and my mom decided […]
I have had a horrible day. I’m laying in bed with my method beside me. Today a guy sent me a message asking for nudes. When I wouldn’t send I was sent a message saying “alright fatty, whatever you need Jesus”. People are so cruel and I can barley keep my head above water on a good day and on a bad day I want it to end and tonight I am trying to list every reason I shouldn’t end it. I will never just be a good enough person for anyone.
I absolutely hate how I can push and try and feel a little better one night then the next morning when I wake up it’s like an elephant on my chest and I am depressed that I woke up. I try and tell myself it’s not so bad but the physical part of anxiety and depression hurts so bad, add in OCD thoughts it it’s like living in hell. Medication doesn’t help, therapy doesn’t help. All I want from life is for once not be upset that I woke up. To feel a sense of normal. I am jealous (and happy too) when people post […]
I went out on a first date tonight. Which means I left my bed for the first time in a week. I’m not wanting a relationship and even though the guy and I are total opposites it was nice to get out of the house and have some fun. That’s a huge step for me. I seriously haven’t put on real clothes in months and rarely leave my house. Thank god for Chinese delivery. I feel weird coming home because while I did have fun all I wanted was to be back home in my bed with the iPad. It’s my safe place and no […]
My whole life I have been used and abandoned by men. After my last heartbreak I pretty much broke. I have been overweight most my life but once lost 100lbs. While I don’t have that much to lose again I think I’m going to use my anger and frustration and put it back into working out.
I am going to concentrate on me and my health for awhile. I want to get fit again and then instead of a relationship I’m thinking of escorting. (Not prostitution). I just need something to shoot for a goal. I can’t “use” people without their knowledge so this is as […]
This is my first post but I have been reading for a while. I have been trying to fight for years but I am so tired of fighting everyday to never be happy. I obsess over how I’m going to end it and when. I’m afraid of a failed attempt. I am so tired of never feeling good enough, having people walk out on me, and just not caring.
I hate hearing people say to just give it time or things will get better. I am 25 and it never gets better for me. I just want it to be over now. I don’t want to […]