This isn’t the first or last time I’ve been here. Just waiting 20 minutes to fully decide. The total time is double the last.
Would this be considered a note? Don’t count this as one.
I don’t have anything to say to anyone.
Just waiting.
I’ve had left side flank pain on and off for four years now.
I finally got to see a GI specialist.
The specialist thinks my mental illness has caused my physical illness and pain for the past four years. That I have IBS and there’s nothing she can really do for me, and that psychiatric medication is probably my solution.
Unfortunately medication hasn’t been safe for me and no other treatments have helped me either.
I have already given mental illness the ability to make friends.
I have already given my mental illness educational opportunities.
I have given it my ability to support myself financially.
I have given […]
I’ve struggled for years but I still have a habit of dismissing myself insisting “It’s not that bad”.
I compare myself now to the way I was when I was likely in psychosis a few years ago.
I’ve only cried 3 times today….I could have cried for hours non stop.
I’m only scoring 48/76 on depression assessments… I’ve scored 56/86 before.
I’m over eating but I could be living on nothing it cookie dough again.
I’m getting 3-5 hours of sleep a night max but I could be running on 1 or less like I have in the past.
I know I’m not “healthy” and that […]
I don’t want to be ‘sick’ anymore or at least well enough I can resemble the things I want to be. Who I am is not my desire.
I’d like to work but I’m beyond just pushing myself and I’ve been denied disability.
I want to be the super mom I believed in but I’m not well enough.
I want to be able to stay with my significant other and not cry or have flashbacks about things he had nothing to do with.
I want to be all love and light.
I want to be so many things but my illness stands in my way. […]
*Content warning* Several forms of abuse and assault.
My story is a long twisted road as it starts from before my existence really.
I am a product of statutory rape. My 13 year old mother who had been abandoned by her alcoholic father clung to love wherever she thought she felt a single glimmer of it.
My dad was 18. When he was told to “get a job, get a car, and be responsible” he decided to take off. To this day he is still afraid of being charged for what he did. We met when I was 15, he was an alcoholic for 10 of the […]
First thought of the day was this song in my head
?Sell your love to the modern day
Hold your Bible
Hold your hand
We’re suicidal
C’mon raise your Bible?
Way to kick it off. Yesterday is was “Teen Idle” by Marina and the Diamonds.
?Yeah, I wish I’d been, I wish I’d been, a teen, teen idle
Wish I’d been a prom queen, fighting for the title
Instead of being sixteen and burning up a bible
Feeling super, super, super suicidal
The wasted years, the wasted youth
The pretty lies, the ugly truth
And the day has come where I have died
Only to find, […]
So I only stopped writing on here because I thought I was blocked.
Wrong user name.
It’s been about 2 years since I posted last.
I don’t have any hope for yall. I still wanna die.
Lately, “I just wanna die” just keeps repeating in my head. I know that’s usually just the beginning. That’s the calm before the storm.
I had a 3 tiered method set up not even a year ago. I’m still here and trying to be positive but it’s not working.
I left the relationship I was in but not before I was raped, had a gun pulled on me, and pushed through […]
No longer pregnant so I have my method picked out. It’s a double method because suicide has a 75% failure rate or so. Basically the only way to be successful is overkill. Both have a high failure rate but in combination and how I’m going to carry them out I’m pretty confident in the ability to complete.
I just got to wait until there’s not a doubt in my mind. Doubt will save ya.
1. Who here DOESN’T use any kind of substance to get by?
By substance I mean
Alcohol
Drugs – like hard drugs like meth or heroin
Natural ‘drugs’ – pot or the oil derived from pot, peyote, or shrooms
Synthetic drugs such as pcp, ecstacy (molly), K2, bath salts
Or natural supplements like st John’s wart or valerian root
Pharmaceuticals – medications prescribed by your doctor or meds you purchased off the street
Like you literally take/consume/smoke/shoot NOTHING to deal with your mental health struggles?
2. If you don’t take any substances of any kind do you use HEALTHY coping strategies?
For example you […]
I am stressing about trying to get employment. I’ve been applying for jobs on and off for 5 years now and gotten literally 3 interviews.
The main reason why I have no idea why I’m stressing is because I have no plan to try and fight through postpartum depression if I have to go through it again.
Basically once I’m not prego I’ll kill myself if it gets bad again. That’s where I’m at.
I don’t have to worry about the Fate of my kids either because well I’ll be dead. Nothing will matter. Not the good or bad.
That’s how death works.
So the state refuses to fix my insurance. In 4 days I won’t have any. Cancelled insurance at 32 1/2 weeks pregnant.
I won’t be paying medical bills back because I don’t have an income of any kind. I’ll just have to deal with collection calls and letters until they give up getting money from me and put it as a charged off account on my already very poorly rated credit.
This also means I won’t be able to get any kind of postpartum care. Good news is that I’ve already accepted I’ll be a depressed woman with no safety net.
At least I […]
So after 3 phone calls to the state about my insurance i found the letter they said I had received. Low and behold it’s the same fucking number. They can help me they’re just refusing.
So my insurance will be canceled next month. I’ll be 8 months pregnant. My 2 year old also won’t receive any coverage.
Why is this good news?
I have 0 income but foodstamps, no property of any kind, and 0 in a bank account. All the hospitals can do is trash my already trashed credit. I’ll receive prenatal care and birth them in exchange for credit points.
It […]
Struggling these past few days and it’s hurting those around me.
Especially my child. I made them cry twice today. I’m so messed up right now I told my 2 year old to shut up.
Why? They were hungry while I was trying to angrily call the state about my insurance that’s going to be cancelled next month.
No insurance when I’m 8 months pregnant. Awesome. Worse case scenario I’ll stop all prenatal and deliver at home completely unassisted medically. I can’t afford the bill. It’s whatever. I’m not even worried about birth.
The thing I should be worried about is postpartum depression. I’m […]
I doubt anyone follows what I post on here, I’m new-ish and I don’t interact much.
Anyways I’ve mentioned before I’m pregnant.
Which means according to my own rules suicide it off limits. I have a rule “do no physical harm to another” I’m totally pro-choice and viability is a thing but I still have respect for *potential* life.
That doesn’t stop me from desiring to commit suicide or frequently thinking of death. It’s highly likely that I will not chose to make it through postpartum depression again. I’ve fought enough in this life to only face more misery. We’ll see I guess
I’d be […]
Have you died but you are physically alive?
For example when I’m asked my age I reflexively want to say “21” except I’ll be 24 here soon. I also no longer have any desires, aspirations, goals, or dreams.
Ultimately I feel like the Corpse Bride.
“And I know her heart is beating
And I know that I am dead
Yet the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it’s not real
For it seems that I still have a tear to shed” – Tears to Shed lyrics.
So is anyone else dead alive?
I have this whole or void in my life I’ll never fill but on occasion when the hole bleeds I do something to keep me busy. Tonight I did this. It’s a purse. Tomorrow is an important day, I should be sleeping but […]
So I’ve calmly explained to my family that my child needs to eat all day.
And then they wonder why I’m suddenly screaming full bore about how they need to eat.
It’s day 3 of them not having an appetite. It’s a fact toddlers do this but mine absolutely CANNOT do this.
They have failure to thrive and we’re in the closing stages of a child services investigation. I’ve successfully brought them home from foster care but our battle isn’t over. The state is going to continue harassing us, even after the case is closed.
I can’t afford my child losing any kind of weight. […]
I can’t even handle me.
I need to have this baby.
Leave, run, or whatever.
End it.
I’m only creating more problems with my existence.
If I can’t deal with my mental illness how on earth can I ask anybody else to?
My significant others don’t deserve this, my family doesn’t deserve this, my friends don’t deserve this, and my kids ESPECIALLY don’t deserve this.
I need to end it before I fuck up more people. I’ve already hurt family, my ex spouse, and one child enough.
Enough is enough. I need to get out before more damage happens.
I have schizoid personality disorder and basically I’ll never get “better” from that.
After loads of research I’ve discovered that the life I’ve wanted has basically been the root cause of my depression.
I know there’s exceptions but
Schizoid people don’t typically get married let alone have dating relationships
Schizoid people don’t have children
Schizoid people can’t or don’t work in most professions
Basically I’ll never have a healthy or happy relationship with anybody and that’s why my marriage failed and my current relationship is likely to fail as well.
I may have brought my daughter home from foster care but I’ll never be […]
Spent most of my day crying today.
I’m pregnant so I’m sure I’m doing terrible things to my unborn son by merely having depression.
I’m currently in therapy and under the care of a psychiatrist. I lie to them because if I don’t I’m 100% positive Child protective services will take my other child back out of my custody and the other once they’re born.
Just an FYI the government can take your children just because you have mental illness. My advice is to lie. You might not get the help you need but let me tell you it’s better than losing a child.
I […]
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