Ffs… Just heard from my ex, the train wreck, that he had some gf for the last two years. After talking to me again like we’re oh so close friends??? I don’t know why it bothers me. He’s the one I call a dead fish. No passion or romance. And I never hear from the guy I truly loved. I bet I’ll never see him again. I don’t fit in to his world. I want to say more, but feel it would be too wrong. Just something else that makes me sick and pissed off. What the fuck happened to this world? I don’t look […]
I really fucked myself up this time. I cut my thumb really deep trying to cut up the block of cocoa butter on the bed since I don’t have my own kitchen to work in like a normal person. It’s only maybe a half an inch long so if I went to the ER they wouldn’t do anything. I’ve had 2 inch deep bite wounds and been turned away untreated. It wouldn’t stop bleeding and it is deep. I put liquid bandage on it which hurt like hell. But it’s too short to get stitched. 1. I hate that I’m such a failure and can’t […]
For one, my 2nd job is turning into my main job. My boss there is moving to LA and it’s going to be member-run. If we want full time pay, it’s up to us to get the donations to make it happen and sustain paid staff. In a sense, I got what I wanted. I thought I wanted to start businesses and nonprofits many times, but now I’ve inherited a nonprofit. I still worry about being homeless in April when the people I rent from move.
I was put on to doing some kind of presentation for the Buddhist center and it turned out to be […]
I’m scared shitless. I don’t think I can survive. I’ll end up in prison because I’m just too poor to pay back the government from money I earn and buy insurance on top of it. For fuck’s sake, I’m more often homeless than I am housed because I don’t make enough to get housing on my own. But I got my W2 from my first job and I made just over the poverty line. I thought the poverty line was higher but nope, it’s been lowered. My other job isn’t taxed and I’m afraid I’ll be fucked, owe the government thousands upon thousands that I […]
Yeah, I’m still around. Don’t want to go back to another week of work. ugh. Well, just musing a lot about the $1.3 Billion powerball. I truly think whoever wins will get killed, most likely by the government because they won’t let some average schmuck walk away with that kind of money! I truly don’t think they would have that much come into contact with someone who’s not already in the 1%. We’re all outsiders, even the everyday yuppies you see out and about. We’re not allowed to have that money.
Anyway, even if I did win the lotto and lived to tell about it, things […]
2 days. Not a word. I go ahead and say hi, not expecting anything. And, I’m ignored still. It’s completely over.
I’ve given up. It was the other day I decided to not message the guy I love again, but then by chance he ended up sending me a message. However, I’m still resolving myself to just give up. I know I’m not important and I have no place.
Odd that I’d finally get around to trying to complete his promise to me since he never will. I just pored the shit, so, if it comes out at all, it’s gonna be seriously jacked. The mold was split in half and in 3 sections. Took a shit ton of work to try to seal it up. Best […]
I feel pointless even thinking about what I want, since the universe is against me, but first… I’ve found these videos that make me die laughing. This is my favorite, because it’s just so random and so ridiculous. But I’ve binge watched every video on the channel since yesterday when I found it. I prefer the videos without music, but for the live performances, those are best when they have very bad instrumentals too.
But anyway, I can’t claim to know if this is exactly what I want out of life because if I had it my way entirely, that would probably consist of winning the lottery, […]
Right now, I have a ton of anxiety about having just thrown away money on Amazon. I ordered my make-at-home pain & skin cream ingredients to where I work, and like always the universe has to screw me. Since when does the post office deliver on holidays and Sundays?? So, yeah, I just got a notice that everything I ordered was left at the “front desk/reception” when there really is no front desk. There is a janitor on standby to greet people but that’s it. The bank there closed at 1pm so I don’t know if the building would even be open. So I just fucking lost […]
A depressing, lonely new year’s. I sent a facebook sticker animated kiss to the guy I like earlier today and he had to once again tell me to not read too much into it that he laughed, and to me that’s like he might as well say I’m too gross and disgusting to think about. I really don’t need reminders, and wish he didn’t have to say those things every time we do talk, as if I would forget that he’s never going to be mine and need to be reminded constantly? No, I don’t need the reminders. He doesn’t need to keep putting up a […]
Yes, I feel like shit and I should be allowed to feel like shit.
So, on Christmas day, I went out to eat with the guy that I like at a Chinese buffet. He’s getting his life together pretty well, he’s gotten a car from a friend and had a job off the record. He had to go afterwards though because he is popular and has tons of people in his life. I saw something on his page from the person he’s renting from, which is a girl who likes him (and is dating someone else but here in Chicago everyone has a dozen boyfriends or […]
After all this shit… the guy I’ve loved posts another rant about how he got rejected by someone else he was chasing, how good he’d be to someone, etc. Then added on how hard it is to get him and he wouldn’t want some of the girls who might want him anyway…. Yeah because we all know you need to be anorexic with your bones sticking out and have the face of a supermodel to get him. And aparantly he had plans to spend Christmas with the girl he was chasing but now just “might” not and so he “might” have been open to going […]
Again, I can’t process anything. I woke up at 5am to see this on Facebook. All this time, since I left WV, I haven’t been able to process anything. I cried, some, after reading this and giving it a minute to sink in. The worst thing you’d ever want to hear. It’s so surreal. But this is the woman who took my cats when I lost my home. I ended up in KY when I couldn’t stay at the place I paid $1700 to move in to in OH. I lost that money and had only $800 left. It was too cold and cramped in […]
I can’t believe I’m so frustrated over sausage!! So the people I live with have been super nice and insisted I eat real food instead of live off of ramen. I think I’m gaining weight from not being so starved and having food besides ramen. Ramen is all I can literally afford on my own. But they made sausage in sour kraut 3 nights ago and have had me drooling over it. But then, it was to be saved for the next day. And then the next. And then the next. It’s driving me fucking crazy!! All I want is a god damned sausage! Geez […]
I get a bit depressed any time I’m away from the other Buddhists. I mean, it’s exhausting for me mentally and physically to chant for 6 hours on Sundays. That was just today. Its normally 2 hours and even then I feel I’m about to pass out. My disabilities get in the way of everything in life. The worst part is when you’re poor, you can’t get anyone to say you’re disabled, because they don’t want you to get any benefits. A middle class or rich person who went through what I went through would have been handed a wheelchair from day 1. I was […]
I can’t fully process it all. Life is changing so fast. There’s still no long term security. It’s still week to week and not knowing if I’ll have somewhere to live in April. So I’m a full card carrying member of SGI and I’m going to be given a bunch of photos to make a video presentation for them, at least locally I mean, to be shown at the local center. They find out what you can do quick. Lol. At my second job I’ll get 15 hrs a week and have the title of program coordinator. It all sounds fancy. I can’t believe I […]
I went to the Buddhist center with my roommate and he was volunteering there and I was with a woman who is some regional leader that he’s close to and people were chanting for 2 hours. So I did the 2 hours of chanting then most everyone moved to the auditorium and even though we were just listening to people speak and not chanting, I had a vision that I’d live somewhere past 85 and I would always be alone, never marry, never have anyone, and never have sex again from this time forward. I didn’t think I’d be homeless and I don’t know how […]
I just read this article… I guess the jist of it is, this guy, once successful, racially profiled and thrown in jail, didn’t do it, got the crime he didn’t do wiped off his record, gets job offers because he has the experience, but doesn’t get the jobs because he’s homeless. Yeah, once you’re on the bottom rung of society, you can never get out. http://buff.ly/1YWIKZZ
The two sexiest men in the world exist as ghosts. We know they’re there, but they’re unreachable and untouchable, and only make themselves available to the most unworthy people at random, and then disappear back into the void where they can only be admired from a distance and torture the heart and soul of the one who would truly care.
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In the end I’m always alone. Always forgotten. Not important. Never was enough to be more than a passing thought only because I dared to insert myself.
For everyone who tried to say that the 20 year old at least liked me. I had a feeling I couldn’t hold my breath on him because it’s a lie. So there you go. No one can like me just like I said. He lied.