heartlessviking

for various reasons I’m trying to cut back on the coffee. The big one is that it isn’t good for my anxiety, and makes me want to get stuff done when no progress is possible…. but this headache… it might break me.

I woke up with a headache, from the bottom of my left eye socket to the top of my head. I tried to meditate out of it, hydrate myself out of it, to no luck, and now even distraction fails in the face of it…. I’m probably going to lose willpower and end up having a cup of coffee, but for the record, I […]

I was going to lead with groundhog, do a whole groundhog day motif.

I was born on Groundhog Day, long ago. Since then, especially in my adult life, it feels like there is a pattern of groundhog like behavior; I am driven to withdraw due to inhospitable conditions, from which I occasionally briefly emerge to check if conditions have changed.

They haven’t, 10 months I’ve been at it. No place for me in the current world.  Further I have concluded that prior reemergence was based on faulty data; […]

There is only one, one cause worth fighting for; a worthwhile life.

That which we all lack, and despairing of that, we wonder why life?

Yes our struggle is with existence itself,

the very concept of something, the concept of worth, are under attack

so could it be we are romantics at heart?

lost without a path to tred?

Yet for our love, we can’t leave. We fight on, because we know little else.

which brings me back to the start; is that meaningful?

IS IT ENOUGH?!

hmmm? What say you?

two out of eight houses surrounding mine have been empty for the past year. This morning, a third started emptying. It hurts, the loss, the loneliness. Not that I was close with any of them, but I liked them being there, the empty houses haunt me.

two of the remaining five are owned by single old people, who I barely see. Which leaves three, all along the back, which I don’t know the status of.

they could be empty too, for all I know…. I could be utterly alone.

sometimes I hate these small comforts, the things that keep me out of the hospital…..

Hot showers and baths

bike rides

playing with my dogs

video games

movies

coffee, it’s nearly impossible to get good coffee in the hospital

nicotine, in the hospital it’s nicotine patches, not pleasant at all

as long as it could get worse, I try to hold on. Earlier today I visited a person who has screwed his life up more completely than I have, and while I admire the boldness, I can’t do it. The guy has alienated everyone that would even try to be his friend, to the point he’s working awful hours, with very little comfort. […]

Immediately as I title this, it comes to me that I belong here more than anywhere else. that is to say, I feel better loved and understood here than anywhere else. It may be just my desire, but that feeling is real.

I don’t belong, in general. I didn’t belong in high school, and over many jobs in my adult life, belonging is something rare. The places I belonged are gone, possibly forever. Those jobs, those communities are dead. Some of the people are dead too.

Anyway, one of my mentors posted a thing about my generation, and why we don’t click with church. I wrote a […]

the desire to matter is a deadly thing,

more deadly still the ambition that drives one to achieve, to desire more

Every day is another notch

every day another loss

yet resiliency is a curse

intellect a burden

for it is just another door to pain

an open invitation to abuse

it would be better to stay dead,

but why would it get better?

death taunts one onwards, towards further destruction

promising an end to pain, but only beyond more pain still

“let me ride on the wall of death, one more time”

“let me ride on the wall of death, one more time”

“You can waste your time on the other rides, this is the nearest to being […]

I had this dream last night, kind of sums it up for me;

My parents had dragged me to a place I’d never been, and they had found us a place to stay with some other families. The specific two things about that place were this;

One entrance/exit, the only way in or out is the front door

The structure was way overcrowded. At night with everyone asleep I would have to step over people to get anywhere

And I just wouldn’t do it. I told my parents I was ready to be done with them, for life. I can’t relax, let alone sleep when I can’t get outside […]

I think the “normal” thing would be to fear death. That’s what our society has coded as “scary” and to be avoided. You know what you get if you avoid death; old.

I’m 34. Relatively young, which means I have a long decline to look forward to. Sometimes I’m optimistic, maybe there will be less pain down the road. Maybe I’ll be dead before I know it. Other times… 60 years is a long time to have left on the clock. Men in my family, they’re either dead by 65 or live well past 90. I was caretaker to my granddad during his final years, and […]

It’s been… quite a week. A friend recommended me to work with them, my car broke down, and my parents decided to take a more active role in my life, and we got our tax return. I get that most of that is good news, but I just feel overwhelmed. I was supposed to be doing a self esteem journal, but that fell apart on Monday. I want so hard to satisfy others, but even now that’s a struggle.

Now I’m doing that thing, where I sit absolutely still and try to imagine I’m anywhere but here. It feels like my soul leaves my body, a […]

My parents don’t understand. Which would be fine and good, but I need their support else I’m going to stay in the situation I’m in.

My mom likes to compare me to my dad, who to my knowledge had two major breakdowns between the ages of 18 and 68. TWO! I’m 34 and I’ve had at least three. My dad never had to take medication in childhood, didn’t spend the first two decades of his life feeling without connection, without belonging. Further benefit; my dad was able to join the Air Force and come out with an honorable discharge. Which meant he had no college debt, […]

I really despise when not sick people try to cheer me up. “Things will get better”

no, well actually maybe, but you’re making it worse, because I’ve been waiting for it to get better a long time. I know one way it will eventually get better, I’ll die, of old age if nothing else. That will be better.

It’s just the same problem as before; I don’t trust the perspective of others, all the less if they think that I’m set up for a win. I’m not. Worst is when I’m already run down, tired and frustrated, and now I have to argue for my point of […]

I have been telling prospective employers that I am freelancing, but that’s not true. I am doing projects, but not getting paid for them. Maybe it is part of the problem, me lying about it. What if I told the truth?

“I’m taking the time off to spend with my family and work on my health”?

It indicates, accurately, that pleasing an employer is something I’m not overly invested in. It makes it sound less like I’m a workaholic.

Anyway, yesterday I was chatting with someone on masking, and it clicked;

I may be sentenced to life in this body, but anything beyond staying alive is purely optional. I […]

These past few days I’ve been letting myself remember more of who I was before this last one two punch of soul draining carnage. One thing that keeps coming up is what might have been. There were women who I might have married (or in one case stayed married to) and at the time I was courting them, it appeared to me that spending my life with them would be peace and honey forever. In the present I wonder if it really would have been.  I was young, and hopeful, and now I’m less young, and disillusioned.

I don’t think any of them could have saved […]

the sun came out today, literally and metaphorically, dig this;

I went for a two mile bike ride to one of my favorite parks.

played with my dogs

bought grass seed

and did session #1 with my second new therapist of the year.

He said I was “passionate”, and I’m just; “dude, more lined up to work today than has in the past six months, anyone would be keyed up.” I’ve been dead inside, for months, and today was like “okay, I’ll take just this much of a breath”

inside I hate it, can’t trust it. He asked what was keeping me going, as if I had some glimmer of hope, […]

Earlier today, I thought I had the rational path to my death. I had the thought that I could throw myself entirely into something, then when that fails, let the failure consume what is left of me. Problem; you can’t plan to fail. So I can’t throw myself at something unless I’m getting something out of it, and that sort of goal doesn’t exist.

I’m really working on it now though, not recovery, recovery is worthless. I’m going to either escape or end, and I don’t care which, only that it needs to come soon.

I don’t think more pain will work. It would dampen my rational […]

how are things, really? Who among us is bold enough to claim to know? Who is so well informed as to know?

Things look pretty bad from over here, for most of the species. All my life I’ve been told that thinking that makes me depressed, having an altered perception. Now what? When the delusion becomes reality, what for the insane to do?

Sanity is on strike, that’s how bad things are. All the kind, loving and generous people have been burnt up, or burnt out.

I feel like I know where I’m going, but I don’t know how to start. Who can help me start? Who can […]

We had two days of beautiful weather, the kind of weather perfect for a bike ride, or some gardening…. and I spent it doing chores.

My energy level has very much been attached to the temperature lately. If it’s between 50 F and 70 F I have a lot of energy. Any lower OR higher and I struggle to move. Too hot and I risk heat stroke, too cold and my joints act up on me. So when I used these last few days for chores, it was very much a vanishing commodity being invested the best I could.

I’m still mad at myself. I would have […]

really says it all, it’s always promises they can’t keep with other people. I try to be true to my word, and fail consistently when I depend on others.

My last good therapist got promoted, and I tried to be glad for her, she recommended me to a new lady, who did two sessions with me, then today I found out my insurance won’t cover her, so given that those two sessions were about getting to know me, I’ve been wasting my time. Now I have to wait until the 28th to get another initial session, which I plan to open with; “Are you sure you’re […]

maybe if I can get better at noticing the little victories

I revamped my resume for a job that has been chasing me. I’m super apathetic about it, but it’s nice to be chased. Then today I got an email that they want a second interview, awesome. My dad tossed me some cash, we got some nice stuff for V-day, and my wife got the information on a local banks recruiting. This means that for the first time in four years, my wife and I both have active potential job prospects.

I also got my meds ahead of schedule, which is one less thing to worry about… […]