heartlessviking

I had this dream last night, and for reasons that will become obvious I can’t talk to my wife or any of her friends about it. I’m a week out from my next therapy appointment, so chances are something more pressing will come up between now and then. It’s just something I need to process, whether or not that will help remaining unsure.

I almost never talk about it, but once I was crazy about a girl who didn’t even know I existed. She was part of my extended social circle and there was just something about her, it took my breath away to look at […]

I flamed out of child welfare, as in it very nearly broke me sufficiently that I couldn’t get better…. and I thought that would be that, I’d move on with whatever was left of my life. I didn’t want to get back up, and so far the experience has been everything I worried it would be, namely painful. I’m still grasping at straws financially, it appears being paid a living wage just isn’t done in this culture…..

and suddenly I realize that where I am now is worse than child welfare. Not emotionally, but financially. I thought that was draining me dry, but this…. it’s just […]

I was making myself some PB&J and suddenly a sob escaped my throat, and it was then I realized that I was not nearly as okay as I am trying to appear with the situation vis a vis job loss. I feel betrayed, and the part of me that doesn’t want to trust anyone feels vindicated.

See, I don’t fit, or more accurately I rarely somewhat fit. I did it working for the gas company, and I did it working for the hospital, neither of those jobs exist anymore. I came as close to fitting as I ever will in undergrad, and that was just a […]

Right, so backstory; I’ve been working as an electrical apprentice for about three and a half months. I’m on my second project, which involves working overnight in a Walmart, a sort of super department store we’ve got around here. Everyone who works there hates it, it is a massive pit of misery. I had been told I wouldn’t be required to work overtime or weekends, and here I am doing both….  so going in I probably wasn’t in the best mindset.

Third day on the project, third night up straight. I got decent sleep, was able to focus enough to play my favorite game Satisfactory, and […]

I was supposed to start a new project last week, so seven days ago I stayed up all night, because the project is going to involve working overnights…. and when I woke up the next afternoon there was no project. I spent the week working on little other stuff, because essential material has yet to be delivered. I even worked Saturday, something I almost never do.

I’m not really complaining, a week where I barely went to work is not that much of a hardship… it’s the symbolism here. I’ve worked really hard, and in most cases the thing I prepared for haven’t happened. I got […]

among the lies that the crisis line has told me, that I’m “so strong” for surviving has got to be one of the laziest. Today I took it on, and they said others wouldn’t be strong enough. I said that I envied them, those without this “strength”, because they would now be dead, where as I’m not.

I don’t think they had a script for that, but they stopped telling me I was “strong”…. so that’s at least me with the high ground.

To quote one of my favorite movies; “sometimes dead is better.”

If I had any strength I would have completed. I wouldn’t be here, arguing […]

sometimes I really want to feel some sort of way about things. I can’t afford to, my life is run at an emotional deficit, therefor every feeling has a price tag

The thing I would like to feel some sort of way about is that awful project I was on is over, and as fast as that happened, in two days I start a new project. Will it be better? worse? the same? No way to know but to live it.

Meanwhile, I’m wondering when I’ll crack, if I’ll crack I guess. I started to come apart last night at the thought of more vet bills, which […]

I’ve always felt that Don Quixote was the patron saint of the mentally ill. The story goes that an older man of upper middle class background loses his mind and thinks he’s a knight in the days of sword and sorcery. He’s actually living in a time when such things have become relics of the past, and not kindly remembered in some quarters.

Famously he attacks a windmill thinking it is a giant. The most interesting bit is when he goes to an inn for the night. He of course thinks it is a castle, and becomes enamored with the lady serving food and drinks. He […]

Here I am, a week after I came so close to ending it, and my thoughts drift to that moment when I thought I really would. It wasn’t that I dismissed my knowledge that it would hurt others, it was the temptation of the exit door drove out all other concerns.

In therapy today I compared it to seeing a beautiful woman and being aroused, and at the same time knowing the risk that comes from chasing her. Dead inside as I am, I can remember being young, when arousal was easy. I can remember some horrible decisions I made, chasing beautiful unattainable women, trying to […]

Right, no secret at all I’ve been having “jump ship” thoughts about the work I’m doing for over a month. Just this gut feeling, you spend most of your life in sinking ships, you start learning to bail early. I wasn’t allowed to, apparently I need to watch this shit go south.

We’re a sub contractor, our company works for the general contractor who works for the store that we’re building. In the last few days the owners of the store have been expressing frustration that we aren’t done yet. That’s the polite way of saying it. This multi national company is throwing a full blown […]

still kind of not allowed to stop working, which I still think is a weird position for an adult man to be in, but hey, who said any of this had to make sense? Carl Sagan probably, but he was an academic, different rules for such people.

Anyway, yesterday I went to the doctor, not because I wanted to, but because I had run out of other options apart from hospitalization or death. Frankly, it was only slightly more appealing than death, and that was because it is nearly impossible to screw up going to the doctor. It’s like having a drug dealer who gives you […]

been talking about dying for at least a solid 15 years, fully suicidal for the past decade at least…. but today was the closest I’ve ever come.

It’s not like there was a trigger. I just looked down at OBJECT_REDACTED and thought; I could go that way, nearly no effort, so I bent over and put in my pocket, and about ten minutes later I walked out of the building and got in my car, because the particular method I was going for was going to take a solid ten minutes. I’ve read quite a bit about what works and what doesn’t, and I think I […]

I know no other word for it, because I am dancing with destruction, without doubt. Yesterday I reached a point I walked off the job, and I wanted very much to keep walking to something else, nearly anything else. Then my wife cried, and so now that escape route is cut off. It’s melt before fail. Let’s talk about melt before fail, because it was an actual engineering principle once upon a time. The idea was that a computer, rather than shutting down when reaching a critical malfunction, would instead keep running. Even if it caught fire, or melted the contacts.

There’s something undeniably macho about […]

Today I got up and decided that certain specific challenges needed defeating. That’s more agency than I get most of the time, I picked what I fought, because I knew I could win. Then it gave up with very little fight at all, and I’m left frustrated; why is everything else so hard?

when I can see a problem in front of me, marshal resources to attack it, and set my mind to overcoming it, I do, it’s what I’m good at. These other enemies though, not so easy, I can’t point to them, or mount resources to remove them. If only I could.

The problem is […]

there isn’t any hope. I’m done trying to grapple with it, the economy is going to shit, having children isn’t going to become affordable. God, I tried, but now even my meager faith in him doesn’t stand up to the moment. If there is a God, maybe he’s doing an experiment in hands off management.

Which leads to the why, I’m getting there; last week I mentioned that during one of my darker moments I contemplated the many methods at my disposal. It was just a weather report as far as I’m concerned, I have no desire to decrease this temptation, and frankly it might be […]

I’m surviving on thin margins here, thinner than I realized. You don’t know how little is holding you together until it is taken away. I had a game that was helping, relaxed me, helped with focus. Now it doesn’t work, don’t know when or if it will again. Today I almost lost access to my pay for another week, and fell apart…. thin margins when 7 more days without pay is 7 too many.

I thought about killing myself today. Not in a telling other people sort of way, more in a practical get it over with way. Didn’t see that I was that close to […]

I’ve started buying things I don’t need, but the problem is right now my weekly wage shows no sign of increasing, and the value of things I buy is increasing. I feel like it’s unavoidable; soon we will have to do without most of the luxuries we used to take for granted. The upshot is I’m leveraged up to my eyes in debt, yes, my debt is the best thing about me

see, because rising inflation means wages WILL rise, or costs will decrease, and either way I can either pay off my debt more easily, or my take home pay will go further, that’s the […]

Apparently all I really needed to clear my sinuses was an eight hour day hanging pipe in a future craft store. Upshot, we got the A/C on today, so the work area is somewhat liveable. The humidity is still awful, but after a few days that should let up.

I feel remarkably dead inside. I came out of my near coma to realize that my current work is repetitive and silly, but I also can’t think of anything better to do. To be clear; I could think of plenty of better things to do, but they all cost money. I can’t think of anything better to […]

sick, my body is sick to the point that I’m somewhat detached from the normal world. It feels like I might die, and that’s a promising thought. Anyway, I’m not me right now, not sure who I am, whoever keeps the lights on until the old ticker shuts off.

Every time I think I’m getting better, I get more dizzy, more confused…. one part thinks it will be over sooner or later, the other part wonders why my biology would be so kind.

Sleep is the fast forward button of life, and I haven’t slept like this in years. Wouldn’t be surprised to wake up ancient and […]