when I’m railing against things, and intoxicated, I should probably just ride it out, or write and put it in a text doc. I get that. Had a decent night sleep, accomplished a bit today, trying to find a “healthy balance”… ie, reaching the point that I feel like the one in the driver’s seat of my life. Not sure that’s possible, but that’s the direction I’m moving in.
sometimes I think that I’m so tired and in pain I imagine things. Today I imagined that someone reflected right back at me my suspicions that we are in an age of cruelty, there is no place left for kindness or compassion in this hard old world. Mind, I intend to help people for a bit longer, and so did the man I thought told me the same. Did he though? How could things be so terrible? How could it really be that hopeless?
I was vulnerable, yuck. Kindness is a gentle poison, and I almost felt understood. What if that is illusion as well? I […]
I sit here, most of the day, thinking, trying to raise the will power to do anything at all.
Some ideas of mine seem rather harmful, likely to bring me more pain in time. One of them is smoking cannabis, my dependence on it has expanded past where I am okay with. The big granddaddy of them all is alcohol. I used to be a casual rare user of it, but in these past few months, I’ve found comfort in it more than once. It killed my grandfather. It’s killed many more.
So I end up getting up ready to make a drink, and thinking to myself; […]
Maybe the word is used up, but it has been a peculiar day, I dare call it weird.
When I woke up, it was an hour from when I had to leave, and basicly psyched myself up; get through today, then deal with the rest. This is for my first full day of training, at a job I am seven years overqualified for. A job where the people we help are only an economic rung lower than myself. A job where I’m supposed to prevent suicide.
I don’t know how that’s going to roll out, me being suicidal myself. Not that anyone has figured out, but you’d […]
I thought it would go away if I stopped with the THC, but it isn’t. I dissociate from my body, I don’t feel like I belong to it.
It’s kind of like when I first wake up, and instead of taking the controls of my body, I burrow deeper into non-being.
Meanwhile, I feel undone/abstract in general. I got denied a job because I’m overqualified… and the employer didn’t believe me that other jobs in my field wouldn’t have me. It’s been two years, and it’s going to take me several more to seek out a more productive degree…. and what’s the point?! I don’t believe in […]
Is a few days too early to resent an employer? Not for me, apparently. I’ve never reached the point that I need to set my boundaries with an employer up front, and if they can’t respect that they can go to hell. The new gig wants me to be clean of THC, something I very much could have and would have done if they had asked nicely, instead they sprung it on me when it was far too late to get clean enough for a drug test. So I went immediately out and took that drug test, if this practice is more important than employee […]
Yesterday it was just nonspecific anxiety, I wasn’t sure what cost the new job and my financial situation would cost…. now I know. I have to give up THC, which was helping in some quite useful ways; allowing me to sleep and eat relatively normally. The new job said I had to stop, they didn’t put it in any of the stuff we talked about leading up to today, and having my medical card, I guess I thought I’d be allowed to keep it.
I’m in a pretty dark place, not sure when I’ll be able to eat or sleep again. I’m strangely having to cycle […]
Horror is the discovery of events that have already happened that are terrible. To be blunt, it’s everywhere. The history of mankind; people made choices, many of those choices were awful. Horror is finding out that they were worse than you thought.
Terror though, that’s the anticipation of awful things yet to come. That’s the one I can’t get myself around, and I haven’t been able to find someone who has an effective strategy to deal with terror. Terror is a white hot anxiety in my belly. Things have gone so wrong, that already is, can’t make it less so by thinking about it. Terror though, […]
I got a job offer, which is nice. Firmly nice to okay, because it’s working at a hospital making very little money, and it’s with adults in crisis, so I guess my experience here will help with that (not that I mentioned it, they think I’m the picture of health.)
It’s a good shift, 7 AM – 3 PM Saturday – Wednesday. It’s something to do, where I might get to help people. That’s a fringe benefit, mostly it’s to keep my hands busy and make money to fix up some things.
ugh, the anxiety I’ve had, and the anxiety I expect to have will not be […]
Reading is what keeps me going best, good books, fair weather and decent food, I could get by on that.
Anyway, lately I’ve actually been reading some stories I thought other suicidally inclined people might appreciate. Two stories quickly I’ll tell you about, then I’m back to the stacks!
Black Farm -Elias Witherow
The first one was a bit of my normal selection, it was a cosmic/spiritual horror book, and trigger warning, because suicidality is very front and center for the whole book. It’s about this couple who die together and end up in an absurd wonderland/waking nightmare. It took me multiple sittings to finish it, but I’m […]
It’s been a rough couple of weeks. My energy levels are low, made worse by the lack of daylight. I can’t afford to fix my bike, so I can’t go ride, one of the few things I was able to do outside the house. Wife is struggling too, not much I’ve been able to do to help.
This week I started really applying to jobs that I am way overqualified for. 15 years into a career, you’d think experience would count for something. Anyway, returning to the well of things I’ve already done, applied to work on a psych ward as a tech. I did it […]
Sometimes, I just get so frustrated and mad, then at first it feels like I’m stuck, can’t move. Then my hands start shaking, arms, I clench and unclench random muscles… I can push more, but stopping it isn’t something I can do.
I tried, that was a mistake. That sums it up. I applied to more jobs, because even some money would be better than being absolutely destitute. I “heard back” from two. One asked me to keep working on my application last night. Then, before I woke up today, they sent me an email that they weren’t interested. What the ever loving fuck? I know […]
Gotta dance
Ya gotta wait
Gotta try,
Gotta fail,
You gotta blow your brains out
You gotta weep,
Gotta cry,
Gotta suffer,
Gotta die,
You gotta blow your brains out
Gotta put that bastard down,
Gotta top your self off,
Give the dice a roll,
Bust your spinal cord,
You gotta lose control!!!!
AAAAAÀUUUUGH!!!!
you gotta mask,
Cause bye and bye,
We are all slated to die,
The world will pull your soul out,
Turns all smiles into frown,
Deeper than any previous down
I’ve always struggled to talk about my paranoia, because it is a weak part of me, and I don’t like projecting weakness.
Nevertheless, this one thought has gotten too loud to ignore; I’m terrified of becoming a cult leader.
Here’s where I feel really strange, really out there. That’s not a normal fear at all. Yet, from an early age I’ve been fascinated by cult leaders and other powerfully charismatic leaders. It’s like a bank account that never runs out, interesting, but dangerous.
Everywhere you see one of these people, you will see the human suffering toll in their wake. I’ve been looking, and I am yet to […]
I’m doing a bit better. I always have to keep that sentiment grounded; most days I mask pretty hard, to look like I’m doing well, when I’m just holding on…. not sure if that’s fair either. The point is, I got a very small amount of positive movement;
Friday I saw my prescribing doctor, and we collectively decided to introduce another anti anxiety, two days in I feel better mood wise.
I was able to hold it together for my wife’s birthday, important because her dad always lets her down, she needs my support more during holidays. This is in spite of a few awful moments that […]
Last night was a big crash, finally came to a head with the thing that I don’t belong, I don’t want to belong, and I despise anyone who does. The problem; I’m averaging 12 hours a day distracting myself. I do really well, for that long. The problem is I’m starting to be awake for 18 hours a day, that’s 6 hours I haven’t been able to avoid the nasty facts.
I can’t even read my technical manuals, because as soon as it gets to “preserve profits” my gut reaction is “Fuck that, capitalist swine.”
So now my solution is to isolate, to run away, and sleep […]
I come from a family of addicts, and have spent most of my life in those sort of environments. Yet, at 33 I’ve never been diagnosed with an addiction, though I’ve been diagnosed as many other things.
So, when my wife says; “I’m worried about your drinking.”, and my reaction; “me too, now you mention it.”
That’s trouble. I have no problem with substances so long as they are legal and within limitation. Yet within me, as I destroy and remake myself, there is a temptation towards unlimited hedonism. Which leads to several methods, none of which are remotely pleasant, though some are quite quick.
I haven’t had […]
I’m writing this because it needs to be written. I have no illusions as to the interest of others in my process. If it was entirely up to me this won’t be published. Yet, why am I writing it here if I don’t want anyone to see it? Ego, friends, the driver of the careening death trap that is my life. It preserves me, but it will kill me by and by.
I had a bad night sleep last night. Trying to come off sleep medications is a hell of a thing. The interesting thing is that after one of the times I woke up, turned […]
Last week, because the provider of my care is a charity and reports their progress, it was semi annual review of my treatment plan. I was doing really well at the time, had started to step down the meds and the alcohol, it was briefly starting to feel like I had sufficient input to my life.
I don’t even have a great crash story. I know that what happened was at some point I was up until almost 4 AM, and since I don’t have any time sensitive work to do, I was going to sleep until noon. Around 7:30 I was woken up, my wife […]
Lots of time to think, ruminate, and consider my next step, both done already and yet to do.
I’ve been thinking about anger, because my whole life I’ve been angry. I redirected the energy towards other projects, and one by one they self destructed. I think I was just keeping a lid on my anger long enough to develop better skills. Now, I have the skills, I have the time, it might be the season in which being angry is a good choice, not towards violence against humans, but violence against oppression.
I don’t want to break the law. I have a clean record, and everything will […]