heartlessviking

I passed the tests my employer set, thus I get to continue doing the job I was hired for…. I’m empty.. had a long talk with the suicide lifeline people, and it fundamentally comes down to believing this or not;

people have innate value.
I think that’s the big joke, that we even pretend that’s true. In my state this month alone hundreds of preventable deaths, my governor says thoughts and prayers. So why are they asking me to stick around on this planet? I’d just be one more of thousands who covid finished off.

I had to drive an hour out, and an hour back to […]

I wish I knew how to ever be proud of anything I’ve done. I woke up this morning thinking about every place I’ve missed the mark on my goals;

the kind of family I wanted to have

the person I wanted to marry

the degrees I wanted to get

the place I wanted to live

Now here’s the weird thing; I have other things to fill those slots. On paper, it should be lovely. Yet, my heart aches in the suspicion that I will never see satisfaction in this life.

It isn’t so much that not existing would be better, given that I wouldn’t experience it. The thing I wish I […]

quel dommage means; “what a pity” usually in a snarky way, it seems like I enjoy a fair amount of sayings in French, but don’t have the ambition to learn most of it.

I’m the source of the majority of my own misery, and I know it, and have known it for most of my life. Knowing the location of the problem doesn’t do a thing if there are no available remedies, or if the cure is worse.

I keep getting presented with this sham cure for my dissatisfaction; to become satisfied with things as they are now. Is that really how a match is won? To […]

I keep trying to make my peace with this situation. I am home bound for another two weeks, and the time by myself to brood is my worst enemy. Despite technically making more than I ever have, I remain stretched financially. Meanwhile, for the last several nights I have been haunted by dreams of the last woman I loved before I met my now wife. What am I supposed to do with that? Of course she was and is a wonderful and lovely woman. It didn’t work, I moved on, and there’s no point digging up those old bones. Or so I say, clearly I […]

I was going to be melodramatic about the whole thing, extend my description to include others. The fact is, I don’t have a clue what is going on with the rest of our species. I have ideas, but it can’t be proven, proof is the biggest act of faith and delusion of all.

I can’t prove that I was born any different than any other human larva. I was a hyperactive kid, a little introverted, who had the misfortune of being born into a society that needs something to be wrong with people that don’t enthusiastically engage with it. So, thanks to hours of therapy and […]

We get that we’re all drawn here because there is no effective management system for our problems right? It’s a cosmic Fuck-up, and me talking to you is only one outcome.

Supposedly I’m “essential”, I’ve spent this whole week training for a job that I only ever somewhat wanted. This is my plan C or D, I had other ideas. Granted, assuming that anyone gave a damn implies a coherent consciousness that is concerned with my well being. That’s a pretty big faith leap is what I’m saying. Everyone hurts, we’re all only barely holding on, that is those of us who manage to.

This training I’ve […]

I have a few things that seem to be constantly in my path. It isn’t like a person, more of an energy, if you believe in such nonsense. It’s kind of the concept of/person of God. It’s like in that movie “Harvey”, the guy has this invisible white rabbit following him around, with non-specific abilities and a non-specific supernatural origin.  That’s what it is like for this 32 year old Christian, 26 years into the practice. I’m not even sure if I’m allowed to call myself that, because there is no church or faith body in the world that feels like home, at least that […]

Earlier on I was able to write about my frustration in my dopamine/manic state, and I read back on those and realize it’s just the other side of the same coin. Once I realized it was a dopamine overload, I started trying to cut down my nicotine and caffeine intake, and to eat more regularly. The point is that when they pulled me down in the hospital they went way overboard with anti psychotics, starving myself of dopamine is just as effective to restoring a more level view.

Things are fine, I don’t know why I can’t accept that. Today I woke up more with the […]

I don’t think I’m smart. I’m a fucking idiot, because what intellect I have is selective. I can understand Java code, but I can’t understand why 90% of humanity can’t give a straight or honest answer to simple questions. I can feel myself desiring to go over the brink, and I grab my own shirt and pull back to where everybody else is; the agreed on perception, a collective dream that you all know as “reality”

There are treatments I would like to try, but no idea of the intervening steps. Just so, there is a lifestyle I think that would push me to this edge […]

I’ve been running, for a long time, even this, in all of it’s apparent trying to deal, it’s running. As long as I must deny myself, I’m running from what I really want.

So here I am, drinking decaf coffee, looking at my vape like it owes me money, trying not to break down.

Not thinking I’m succeeding really, I tried to talk myself out of writing this, and here we are. I have no valid reason, merely hopes crushed and frustration. Yet, as I drove home earlier, I seriously thought about closing my eyes and ramming into a tree. It was delicious, just as a fantasy. […]

I stopped posting here awhile ago, I thought things were getting better…… and even though they did for awhile, I feel utterly alone right now.

I finished my degree, got rejected at every grad school I applied, and went on more interviews than I have ever been on in my 15 year career. I’ve never worked this hard to get nothing back. I’ve never had a second interview and not gotten the job… Now my dreams are haunted by desire unfulfilled, hopes crushed.

Honestly, and I’ve had trouble discussing it; I wish I could get myself just a bit lower, just a bit more pain, so that […]

This has been a rough month for me. It seems from the outside that I should be proud of what I’m doing, but I feel nothing but shame. I’m applying to graduate school and I was able to get my application into four different school. As of right now one has declined to interview me, and a second has outright rejected me. If I don’t get in there isn’t really work for me to do with my bachelors degree, which means that I’ve wasted the last three years of my life. For the last three years I’ve performed research and attained a GPA of 3.9. […]

It’s been awhile since I was here, both literally and metaphorically. I’ve been so busy, which is a lie in a way, I had time to tend to things, it just wasn’t managed very well.

Now though, I am alone for awhile. My therapist quit, not on me but the organization that I was getting therapy through. The irony here is that I hired him 7 months ago to attempt to build a longer term therapy relationship with someone…. 7 months isn’t long term, I’ve had many therapy relationships last longer than that.

I’m still missing my best friend, or should I say former? I have no […]

Today has been a roller coaster, by which I mean the last 36 hours awake have put many hard to deal with things. I was nearly overwelmed by a work project, and often times I had to stop and process some of the trauma of the past few months. Then I had my last session for awhile with this therapist, and that was emotional.

Now this. I had/have this dream of owning a particular piece of land. The problem thus far has been financing it, as well as some other practical limitations. I’m trying to have faith, put the thing in God’s court.

It’s like an old […]

I don’t know what sick part of me likes to look up my exes and fantasize about if I had made it work with them. It doesn’t happen with the ones I had several years with, most of them I’m glad to be rid of. It’s the ones that I dated for a few weeks, a few months at most. The ones that showed so much promise. They’re amazing people that for whatever reason it just didn’t work out with. I wonder if my life would be different if I had worked it out…. then I wonder what the point is….

I’m missing a deadline as […]

Today we were reviewing a statistics question. The content of the question doesn’t matter, but the answer does. We were talking about solutions to problems, my favorite subject. I figured out that there had to be a solution to this problem, and my professor said: “That’s math over your head. It’s over my head.” The lady has a PhD in evolutionary psychology, and probably knows more about social psychology than I’ll figure out for another decade. Yet it’s this arrogance, over my head. You joking? I’m always at the same time in over my head and underwhelmed by the challenges presented to me. That’s fricken […]

I’m working on a project on delusions, for a class I’m taking. For this class we have to assess the delusional state of a person, explain their symptoms and the source of the disorder.

It brings me to something close to my heart but that is hard to talk about. I’ve had delusions, and hallucinations, and further they happened while I was absolutely sober. There was no warning, just bang and the reality I knew was gone and I was talking to people that didn’t exist.

It occurs to me that this may all be a delusion, every moment from 2010 to present. Supposing there was some […]

I’m in so much submerged pain, and I’ve reach out to everyone, yet the people closest to me are making this the hardest day I have ever gotten through without a breakdown, without cracking completely open.

My best friend was on the verge of suicide, and I called people to help, now I’ll lose my home if I let her back in, my fiance is mad and somewhat blaming me… and I’m torn up more than I knew I could be.

I feel utterly alone, despite being surrounded by people that love me

I can’t cry, and I can’t come to terms with what happened today. I keep […]

A mentor of mine said something pretty revolutionary to me; “Learning is pain, one cannot exist without the other.”

It upset me at the time because of the intimate relationship that I have with pain, and my job is essentially to remove pain from people’s lives, or at least bring it down to manage-able. So why do we hate pain so much, and if we hate it so much why do humans expend effort seeking out situations that cause them pain?

It’s been bothering me for awhile about people who have toxic families. Beyond a certain point family is a chosen relationship the same as any other. […]

There’s no way there is anyone in my face to face life that I can talk about this with, but it feels like it’s going to poison my heart if I don’t get it out.

I had a dream about being intimate with my best friend. In some ways it is expected, I used to be romantically attracted to her. On the other hand, it’s inappropriate. She’s living with me and my fiance for christ sake. I’ve been dealing with her being suicidal lately, being the shoulder to cry on and so on. I feel very responsible, and that seems like a positive thing.

I just can’t […]