Urm8451n

It has been a rough year.

I don’t see my self moving any further.

in some ways, I’m already dead.

I wish I could have enjoyed more time on my own.   I had a lot of dreams.  I have had them, and now they flew out of my mind.

All I see around me are my darkest demons.  Will I be forgotten? who will remember my thoughts.

in a blink of an eye, I might do something stupid.  but I guess that’s how life goes.

You either fight the best you  can, or you just fall down and let everything go.

I’m dangling in between.

hope to do well,

Jac

My last visit in this site was back at the end of July where I wrote about my instinct to seclude and be alone.

Today I want to tell you guys good news. Although I’m still a student, struggling financially and having problems at home.  I did succeed to get a good paying student job at Intel Corporation as a software developer.

I am still dealing with a lot.  I’m still suffering from abdominal pains.  But I don’t let anything remove the smile off my face.

I wish life has been easier, but I guess that’s how life goes.  And I also assume I need to accept the […]

As a young boy living on welfare, the younger kid out of two children to a single mom, I never had too much options to meet my friends, and didn’t really know how to build friendships.

By age 10 my social levels were fine, I had many friends, but from that age and further, I  failed to maintain friendships outside school.

Anyhow, when ever I encountered harsh days or depression periods, I found it easier for me to seclude, and be alone.

I felt that once I’m out of anyone’s view,  I can’t compare my life to others, and thus, making me feel much better with my own […]

With every single step I take forward, I receive a hit.  –  Am I doing it wrong?

Those questions of uncertainty flow down my throat, among my tears.   –  Why didn’t I see it coming?  Maybe I should’ve known?  Did I let my self down?  Haven’t I tried good enough? –

I feel empty like a bucket with a hole.  Even when I just feel, when I feel that I have something in me!  It turns out to be like a sack full of stones…. They are useless.  My skills are useless.

The encounters I have with life, requires way more than just stones in a sack. […]

I just got back from the hospital (due to physical health issues) , I’m not in a great mood mentally-speaking.

I’m coping with so many things and I’m doing this well. It is extremely hard, I feel extremely alone in this, but I’m doing well.

The only problem is that the further I go, the more I lose. The more I drift away from society.

I’m becoming a lone wolf.

I feel everything closes in, there is too much for me in this life to fight with, and less to fight …for..

In the end , it is not the drugs, alcohol, weed, friends, family, or therapy that helps, but what helps is that small few minutes of me with myself.

I get to know me better, I get time to plan my next steps, to figure out how I should deal with the new obstacles.

Anyone feels the same here?

Yours, Jac.

I will never forget the abuse I have been through.

To be blackmailed by my own brother.  To be let down by my own father.

To understand at young age, (I was only 9 at 2006) , to understand that your parents have brought you to the world unprepared for dealing with their own demons.

At age 5, they divorced.  It isn’t such a bad thing.  The main problem wasn’t the divorce, but it was them.  They both, self knowingly, have hurt me this way or another. And my big brother, and only, have blackmailed me for 2 years, to serve him with food all the fucking years. […]

I decided to win no matter what obstacle is thrown or being put on my way.

I have recurrent pancreatitis, and it is hell of pains.   I have financial problems.  I have no father.  I have no family.  I lack the support that others have, but I still go toward my target.

It is easy to be positive when you have it all.  The really challenge is to be positive when you are down.  When the bank calls, and you have been hospilitiezed,  you are facing that specific challenge.

Im here for the same reasons as you guys, but I want to help this community by helping […]