I can feel it in the back of my throat. I’m going to throw up. I need to face the consequences. I present today and I need to face it. I can’t run. I’ll probably throw up soon. I called a suicide hotline yesterday. Never done that before. While I was getting connected, they played a jingle. I thought how odd it would be for someone holding a gun to their head or on the top floor of a parking garage to hear. She sounded for mechanical and subdued. To be fair to her, […]
My head still hurts a little. Whenever I get to that really panicked state of trying to find any possible way out, there’s a certain quality to the panicked head space that I didn’t feel this time around. It’s my thoughts begging me to finally be brave enough and just make this one last decision so I don’t have to make anymore. They are erratic and scared and loud and have this certain panicked feeling to them. I can’t really describe it, but it’s basically me trying to push myself as if I was someone else. Like I’m trying to […]
I screwed up again. Just put it on the pile of all the other fuck ups. Also fuck Spanish. I should have said I have no interest. I should have done a lot of things. I have no idea how I could be such a fuck up when things aren’t even going on right now.
I’m starting to take my medicine more consistently now. I think before this it’s been a month or so that I’ve been off it. Right at this moment I feel oddly nervous. I have a thing I need to do for this project coming up but no real progress right now. I don’t really know what to do. Even besides that I just feel this odd sense of limbo. Like I’ve been stuck in place for too long and I haven’t done anything about it. My therapist told me to write a list so that I know […]
I’ve been told that I should meet new people. A lot of people have said that. I don’t really know how to do that though. This is in regards to her not answering again. She never answers. At least it feels that way. I’ve made way too many posts about it. I’m tired of making them. So I’ll focus on the fact that I have no idea how to make new friends. You feel like that’s something a person should have mastered at when they were just a kid. Or at least learned some skills […]
I went back and forth on whether or not to write this down. I was leaning towards no because I didn’t see any point in it. I didn’t think it would make me feel better, so why bother. I don’t know. I guess because I have no where else to go with this. It’s been three weeks at this point. From the point where I said I’d give up. From the point when I said I’d give her space. At this point it just kind of tracks the time on its own. I thought about calling […]
I’m as tired as you are probably. I still think about her. It’s kind of tiring at this point. I still think about calling her and look if she’s on discord from time to time. Sometimes I wish she would just block my number or remove me as a friend on discord. At least that would get the message across. The fact that she hasn’t done that yet though gives me a little hope that maybe will talk again. I don’t know. Her birthday is in two months. Last year I got her present late, so […]
I thought about this today, but my reasons for being depressed and why I feel the way I feel have changed over time. I remember when I was in elementary school and I first really thought of the concept of death. I mean I understood what death was, but when I first actually thought about what that meant it terrified me. I scared me to think of all the things that made me happy weren’t permanent and can be gone with minimal effort. It doesn’t take a whole lot to die. You can get in a car accident, get sick, […]
I’m pulling myself in two different directions. I can barely just stop myself. I almost did it. I flipped a coin to decide. It stopped me. I’m just writing to keep myself from being rash. It helps to put my words on screen so that I calm down a little. I can feel myself releasing the tension. I don’t really feel like doing it now. I stopped myself for now. How long until I stop for good? I don’t know. I’m really stubborn.
I know they’re bullshit, but I can’t help but be fascinated by them. I mentioned before that I have a way of asking questions when flipping a coin. A simple yes/no test to answer my question. I know that it’s a coin and flipping it doesn’t actually answer anything, but I do it anyways. Tarot is a long winded form of this. You pick cards that apparently have some deeper meaning that you picked it and then you think “real hard” about something when you pick one, and apparently that means something. I do that tarot readings from a […]
I had my second therapy session yesterday. Still feeling a bit strange about it. Don’t know how it’s going to turn out. My main reason for doing all this is to try and improve myself in regards to my fear of failure. To be ok with trying things and failing and stop passing up opportunities because I feel like I’m not good enough. The thing is, is there even a way to do that besides just forcing yourself. She told me that no matter how much she wants me to go for things, no matter how much my family […]
It’s rather strange to think about how short yet dense a lifespan is. Relatively speaking, people don’t live that long. It seems like a while, but in reality life is less than a blip in the grand scheme of things. The thing is, it’s oddly dense though. A lot happens in those years. So much happens that it feels like it’s been a long time to us. It’s weird to think that sonething that was important to you a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, a decade ago means absolutely nothing yo you now. I vaguely […]
I gave up already. That’s what I said. But I can’t help but want to try and talk to her. I haven’t, but the thought is still there. The hardest part about our friendship was that I always felt like she wasn’t telling me the truth 100%. Like when I would ask her “Are you bothered when I call a lot?”, she would always say “No, it doesn’t bother me.”. But I always felt like she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, so she wouldn’t be straight with me. I remember one time asking “Are you annoyed by […]
Whenever I find myself uncertain about something I flip a coin. It can be about anything. Should I go ahead and say something, should I go get something to eat, should I study now or later etc.. However I don’t just flip coins to make a decision. I also flip coins when something is out of my control. Will I pass this test, am I going to make it through the week, will I ever hear from her again etc. I don’t really believe in a higher power nor do I not believe in one. I’m indifferent to […]
I saw you post, but couldn’t comment. I remeber you. You’ve been around for a while. I’m sorry you’re hurting.
They say that a person must find hapiness with himself. Others say that hapiness is the repationship you have with others. So which is it? I used to despise the idea that I needed someone. I hated that my hapiness was dependent on anything but me. That’s why I detested the idea of falling for someone. I hated how it made me feel helpless, like I had no control. That’s why I longed for isolation. For nothingness. So nothing can touch me. And then I got what I wanted. And I hated it. […]
I have 4 tests, 1 project due, 1 final essay, and I have to drive 8 hours to college station to clear out my apartment as well as look for a new apartment over there for next semester. I have a span of week to do this all. 3 of the 4 tests are finals non of which I studied for, I haven’t even looked at what I need to correct on my essay yet, and I’m really iffy on the project report. All in all, it’s the end of the semester. And I’m still slacking off. It’s […]
I called her a total of five times yesterday. I texted her a total of two times yesterday. I screwed up again. I was just really frustrated with the whole situation. It’s been almost two months since she ghosted me, and I was getting tired of it. I was tired of being ignored. I know things are probably pretty bad for her right now what with the quarantine and all. She probably hasn’t been able to get the medical help she needs for her mental health. That makes her withdrawn. But I was still tired of […]
I did my weekly call today. Still no response. I left a voice message. Didn’t really know what to say except that I just wanted to check on her and that I wish we could talk. It’s starting to wear me down. At this point I’m just expecting to be disappointed. Whenever I get the urge to call I just tell myself “Just wait a little longer. You can be disappointed tomorrow.” I know that she won’t respond to texts. I know that if it rings more than once she won’t pick up. I’m just […]
I had my first therapy session with my new counselor yesterday. I want to say she is the fifth one I’ve ever had. It’s hard to keep track. Anyways it was a pretty standard first session. Asked me basic demographic info, family history, social history, relationship history, what is my medication, what I have been diagnosed with etc. Overall standard procedure. The latter half was bit more interesting though. My main reason for trying therapy again is that I recently learned that I have a fear of failure. It was a somewhat odd observation, seeing as how […]