Whenever I find myself uncertain about something I flip a coin. It can be about anything. Should I go ahead and say something, should I go get something to eat, should I study now or later etc.. However I don’t just flip coins to make a decision. I also flip coins when something is out of my control. Will I pass this test, am I going to make it through the week, will I ever hear from her again etc. I don’t really believe in a higher power nor do I not believe in one. I’m indifferent to […]
I saw you post, but couldn’t comment. I remeber you. You’ve been around for a while. I’m sorry you’re hurting.
They say that a person must find hapiness with himself. Others say that hapiness is the repationship you have with others. So which is it? I used to despise the idea that I needed someone. I hated that my hapiness was dependent on anything but me. That’s why I detested the idea of falling for someone. I hated how it made me feel helpless, like I had no control. That’s why I longed for isolation. For nothingness. So nothing can touch me. And then I got what I wanted. And I hated it. […]
I have 4 tests, 1 project due, 1 final essay, and I have to drive 8 hours to college station to clear out my apartment as well as look for a new apartment over there for next semester. I have a span of week to do this all. 3 of the 4 tests are finals non of which I studied for, I haven’t even looked at what I need to correct on my essay yet, and I’m really iffy on the project report. All in all, it’s the end of the semester. And I’m still slacking off. It’s […]
I called her a total of five times yesterday. I texted her a total of two times yesterday. I screwed up again. I was just really frustrated with the whole situation. It’s been almost two months since she ghosted me, and I was getting tired of it. I was tired of being ignored. I know things are probably pretty bad for her right now what with the quarantine and all. She probably hasn’t been able to get the medical help she needs for her mental health. That makes her withdrawn. But I was still tired of […]
I did my weekly call today. Still no response. I left a voice message. Didn’t really know what to say except that I just wanted to check on her and that I wish we could talk. It’s starting to wear me down. At this point I’m just expecting to be disappointed. Whenever I get the urge to call I just tell myself “Just wait a little longer. You can be disappointed tomorrow.” I know that she won’t respond to texts. I know that if it rings more than once she won’t pick up. I’m just […]
I had my first therapy session with my new counselor yesterday. I want to say she is the fifth one I’ve ever had. It’s hard to keep track. Anyways it was a pretty standard first session. Asked me basic demographic info, family history, social history, relationship history, what is my medication, what I have been diagnosed with etc. Overall standard procedure. The latter half was bit more interesting though. My main reason for trying therapy again is that I recently learned that I have a fear of failure. It was a somewhat odd observation, seeing as how […]
I sometimes look at discord to see if she’s on. Yeah I know it’s creepy. Yeah I know I should probably stop. Yeah I know that I’m a sad pathetic man. Anyways, I noticed she was playing League of Legends. That means she is ok. Or ok enough to play a video game. Yeah it kind of sucks that she won’t respond to my messages but she will play a game. It hurts a little. But after a little while, I realized that she is ok enough to play games and possibly hang out with friends. […]
It’s like a ping pong game. I go back and forth. Sometimes I am hopeful and feel that this will pass and I’ll feel better and my feelings of uselessness will pass and I’ll be talking to her again. Then the ping. I feel hopeless and miserable and that I’ll never see or hear from her again. Then the pong. And I’m back to having hope. It’s tiring. I wish the game would end eventually. Somethings got to slip.
Is it possible that I choose only to remember the good things? That while looking through our old messages, I’m only remembering the good feelings I would get when talking to her? Maybe those times weren’t as good as I thought they were? Maybe they were just moments that happened, neither good or bad? Maybe she felt nothing when talking to me? We haven’t seen each other in three years. The last thing she ever said to me in person was goodbye. I have a picture of her that I look at, but it’s just a static […]
I mentioned before that I sometimes like to look through old posts I make here. I reminds me of the mindset I was in at the time. The loneliness and sadness I felt at the time. It hurts to read, but it’s also somewhat soothing. Like visiting an old friend. Whenever there are periods when she stops talking to me and even when she isn’t in those periods, I also like to do the same with our old discord messages and texts. I look back at them and I can’t help but feel insanely happy. How we used […]
Lately I’ve only been concerned about two problems. My meaning and the fear of being useless and this whole situation with being ghosted. It’s kinda frustrating to be only concerned with two things day in and day out. The first problem is very broad and kind of vague, but it is something that occupies my mind from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. Every step of the way, I feel like this useless nothing and that nothing I do has any meaning. It’s kind of tiring really. The problem I think I have […]
I think there was never a point in which it was equal. The feeling between us. I think she wanted to care about me, but when it came down to it, I was just a stranger. I don’t blame her nor am I upset or sad. I think she meant it when she said that my support meant a lot to her. That my concern helped her. I do believe that. But when it came to me as a person, it must have been strange. This odd boy from years ago. This faceless blank voice. I […]
I contacted my ghost again. Just to let her know that I am here for her and that nothing will change. I felt like telling that subreddit where I asked for advice that I did this. They all told me to stay away before. But I felt like explaining why I did what I did. I didn’t need to tell them anything, but I just felt like saying that I thought about it and I didn’t want to follow their advice and that I wanted to text her once a week to let her know that I was here. […]
I haven’t had my first therapy session yet. It’s next Wednesday. I scheduled it this past week. However, at this point in time, I feel like no amount of therapy will help. No amount of medication will help. I just feel that I’m fundamentally wrong. I feel that suicide for me isn’t a matter of being unhappy or having my back against the wall. It’s just a simple means of escape. It’s a route to take because I feel like I serve no purpose. I know there are ways to remedy this besides suicide. Ways […]
I don’t remember when I found this place. I was in highschool and feeling like shit and just sad, and somehow I wound up here. Over the years I come here on and off and on and off again. Just depends on how I’m feeling. I think my initial reasons for using this place was to vent and find some sort of help. I found out some what later that this isn’t really the place for that. This is more like a journal for me to put my thoughts down on. I’ve often described this place as a […]
My mother was cleaning out a bookshelf today to put in my brother’s room. One of the books I saw lying around was my sophmore yearbook from highschool. I couldn’t help but take a small look at it. Flip through the pages a bit. They were all strangers. People who seemed vaguely familiar yet looked like every other person I’d see walking down the street. A few faces seemed recognizable, but I can’t say I could put a personality or voice to the face. They were just blank sets. Then I saw my picture. What a […]
I think the worst thing about being ghosted is that there isn’t really anything to do about it. It just is what it is. Deep down I hope for another shot just to hear her voice, but I’m pretty sure I’ve run out of shots. It’s funny that 70% of that friendship was so stressful thinking about what she was doing and hoping she was ok and wondering why she wasn’t picking up my calls and wondering if I said anything wrong. But for that sweet 30%, it was just nice to hear her voice. To know that she was […]
I’ve always wanted a tattoo. I like the art and design behind it. The fact that a person commits a part of themselves to a specific design is really cool to me. I have a few ideas already. I like geometric shapes. Weird illusion designs are neat, but I don’t really like them when they are plain black ink. I want it to be more colorful, to make it pop. I saved a tattoo that looked really cool, but it made it seem like the skin was kind of rolling back through blocky shapes. Like you were […]
I learned recently that I have atychiphobia. At least I think I do. It makes sense. Although a part of me just thinks I’m lazy. And when it comes time to produce, I panic and get scared. My left side hurts. It’s like a throbbing pain. Oh well. I’m back home. University basically shut down so I had to leave. Oh well. Better than being in a dirty apartment. Also food. I haven’t heard anything from her in like two weeks. I text and call everyday. It probably comes off […]