I can’t tell if it’s sadness or just emptiness? This feeling of uncertainty. Where am I going? I have asked this question so many times. I just can’t tell. I had Chinese yesterday and the fortune cookie told me I was going to go on a big adventure. On the back it said PANDA EXPRESS INC. A little part of me wants to believe it. I dream of just picking myself and driving somewhere. I don’t know where. Just somewhere. Drive down the highway and go. No more books or tests or worrying […]
Have I become apathetic to it all. I just feel like I’ve stopped caring about school. Being in college is strange. The first semester just kind of took off in this strange sort of way and then it just petered out. I don’t really care about the papers or the finals or anything really. Even the regular assignments are just whatever. I have less than three weeks until the semester is out. Recently I stopped going to those club meetings. It’s not like I really contributed or had friends in those clubs. I just fell out. […]
My mother has recently been reconnecting with my grandfather’s side of the family. She hadn’t talked to them in a rather long time, but after the death of a close cousin, she started visiting them again. My grandparents got divorced when my mother was baby, and due to my grandmother being rather abusive, overtime my mother was convinced (by my grandmother) that her dad didn’t care about her. She naturally fell out of contact with that side of the family until she found out that her cousin committed suicide. So since then she started seeing them all again. That side […]
I love this song.
Feeling out of it. Very strange. Sort of. I guess. Time just flies by huh. I’m not sure what I want.
It throws me off when someone just walks up to me and says something. I was just walking around in my dorm hall when a resident adviser ran up to me and asked if I wanted smores. I get that they get paid for putting on the smiley act and all that, but it is so god damned unnerving. She ran up and said “HEY FRIEND”. That was really fucking uncomfortable. Then she tried to guess my name. (I went to one other thing before this where I told her my name.) After guessing incorrectly for the first few times, […]
Where am I going? I’m not completely sure? Should I go this way or that way? There are many directions, but paradoxically very few. You can do anything, but you feel like you are constrained to one thing. You can go anywhere, but somehow are stuck here. There are an infinite number of possibilities, but only one outcome. There is absolute freedom in this world, but at the same time a person has little to no control. It feels like you can go everywhere, but not really. There is no purpose, but if I go by […]
Things keep falling apart. I’m falling apart. My interest is waning more and more. I convince myself to stop going to lectures sometimes. What’s the point. Got a zero for not presenting today. Felt nothing. I’ve always taken pride in my smarts. It was the one thing that I had. But what has it gotten me? All they are, are letters and numbers on paper. A’s, B’s, C’s, D’s. 100, 90, 80, 50, 0. What’s the difference between them. They haven’t made me happy. They don’t make the loneliness go […]
So many noises. All of it just annoying static. None of it remotely interesting. None of it worth listening to. Yet it keeps buzzing in my ears. I get up and I move my fucking bean poles left right left right left right left right left right to go to the next fucking hell hole bullshit class. None of it matters. I keep moving and none of it matters. Anyone going to say anything? Anyone? I’m just screaming into a void that just echoes noises. Like every other place. Monday is the day I talk […]
Well I honestly don’t know what to open with. I was going to say that it’s been like a little under two weeks since I posted, but I doubt that matters. I don’t know why I feel compelled to track time like that. Beats me. Being on campus has made me oddly claustrophobic. All these fucking people rushing to their classes, or activities, or lunch. It just makes me feel so constrained. In high school things were set with a set schedule. You’d show up at 9, leave at 4 and just sit in 4 or […]
Hello. Man I’m feeling oddly nostalgic about being back here. He says after being gone for a little over three months. I mean I’ve only been around for a little more than a year, but by this point you can kind of see the routine this forum generates. It’s just kind of a hole where misery and anger festers. Of course you always have the handful or so going around trying to give others advice and support and what not. They try their hardest but they can only do so much. Around here it’s always the same though. […]
What do you fucking know. I’m back here. I know my last post talked about how “free” I was or whatever, but I think we’ve all had that conversation in our heads and always know how it ends up. Is anyone even still here. I mean SP always get’s a new batch every so often, but don’t you think how weird it is that we don’t know each other personally. I mean the guys I knew might have had their last post a month ago or so, and I have no idea what is going on with them. They […]
I got my closure. The one life link I had to people has been cut. She had her outlets besides me and I realized she just didn’t have the time or care to contact me of her own free will. Which is fine. People do and need different things. Amazing how that just shed right off of me. Now I’m back to being alone. And I’m strangely happy. Always wondering if she would ever check up on me to see how I’m doing was stressful. Truth is she never really cared enough to seek me out. […]
Is there anyone out there? Am I just speaking to myself? Can someone please just say something. Anything. Don’t leave me alone please. Anyone just say something. There are so many voices but it all seems so quiet. Getting left behind never really feels any good. I always pictured it in my head with her hands running through my hair. I would rest my head on her lap and it would be raining lightly. Is she even out there? Maybe she doesn’t even exist.
You only have yourself to blame after all. You go back and forth and back and forth on the topic, but you never really end up doing anything about it. You just sit and watch it happen. Part of you is so scared and lonely and the other part hates you for that and believes that you’d be better off alone. You think in your mind “Let them make the first move, that way I know they have a genuine interest in wanting to know me.” Truth is you never really gave anyone a good reason to make the initial […]
So today I had that dumb graduation dinner with my family. All 16 of us on my mother’s side ate at this Italian bistro in the afternoon. There I made two distinct observations. The first thing I noticed was the wine all the adults were drinking. I’ve always had this morbid curiosity about alcohol. My father’s side is full of drunks. I admit that they’ve toned it down in recent years, but when I was little every family event was a gathering of drunken idiots. Then there is my gradfather, my mother’s father. He was an alcoholic. […]
People are obsessed with image. The way something appears. They’re crazy for it. Slim, Lean, Smooth Skin, Big Breasts, Round Ass, Muscely Arms, Rugged Face, Beautiful Hair, Lovely Eyes, Big Lips, Thick Thighs, Small Nose, Trimmed Eyebrows, Tall, Short, Light Skin, Dark Skin. That’s all they think about. Image. I’ve been working out lately because it’s one of the few outlets that makes me forget. I’m getting progress after 4 months. I often catch myself looking in the mirror. Half a year ago I would have nothing but disgust, but now I feel something I’m not […]
You’re alone, kid. There’s no one out there. I’m all you’ve got. The others will tell you different. They will say that they care and that you matter. They’re liars. In the end, they’re in it for themselves. You’re just a speck. A nobody. A nothing. While they crawl all over each other to get ahead, they’ll turn on you. I’m all you’ve got. In your most vulnerable, dark moments, I was the only one that talked to you. That felt you’re pain. I’m only hurting you to make you numb. […]
Truth be told I’ve been avoiding this place. After my string of psychotic ramblings, I honestly wanted to stay away from this place believing that I was being too dependent on outlets to ***** about my problems. It sort of makes sense in my head. But then I had this idea and I guess I just wanted to write it down. For prosperity. Does anyone ever try to take enjoyment out of their own misery? Happiness from the fact that you are unhappy. Theirs this sick sort of satisfaction when every terrible thought in your head is confirmed. […]
You guys got any suggestions? I really like these ones and I seem to be in a CTE mood. Hope you enjoy. Sorry for the obnoxiously long post. This is just filler so it doesn’t show up on the homepage. La la lee la la loo. So how was your day? Do anything grand? I should be working on homework. Oh well. What does it matter? Who knows? Not me? Do you know? I bet you know. Will you tell me? Please. I promise to keep it a secret. Pinky […]
I’m just curious.