Is there anyone out there? Am I just speaking to myself? Can someone please just say something. Anything. Don’t leave me alone please. Anyone just say something. There are so many voices but it all seems so quiet. Getting left behind never really feels any good. I always pictured it in my head with her hands running through my hair. I would rest my head on her lap and it would be raining lightly. Is she even out there? Maybe she doesn’t even exist.
You only have yourself to blame after all. You go back and forth and back and forth on the topic, but you never really end up doing anything about it. You just sit and watch it happen. Part of you is so scared and lonely and the other part hates you for that and believes that you’d be better off alone. You think in your mind “Let them make the first move, that way I know they have a genuine interest in wanting to know me.” Truth is you never really gave anyone a good reason to make the initial […]
So today I had that dumb graduation dinner with my family. All 16 of us on my mother’s side ate at this Italian bistro in the afternoon. There I made two distinct observations. The first thing I noticed was the wine all the adults were drinking. I’ve always had this morbid curiosity about alcohol. My father’s side is full of drunks. I admit that they’ve toned it down in recent years, but when I was little every family event was a gathering of drunken idiots. Then there is my gradfather, my mother’s father. He was an alcoholic. […]
People are obsessed with image. The way something appears. They’re crazy for it. Slim, Lean, Smooth Skin, Big Breasts, Round Ass, Muscely Arms, Rugged Face, Beautiful Hair, Lovely Eyes, Big Lips, Thick Thighs, Small Nose, Trimmed Eyebrows, Tall, Short, Light Skin, Dark Skin. That’s all they think about. Image. I’ve been working out lately because it’s one of the few outlets that makes me forget. I’m getting progress after 4 months. I often catch myself looking in the mirror. Half a year ago I would have nothing but disgust, but now I feel something I’m not […]
You’re alone, kid. There’s no one out there. I’m all you’ve got. The others will tell you different. They will say that they care and that you matter. They’re liars. In the end, they’re in it for themselves. You’re just a speck. A nobody. A nothing. While they crawl all over each other to get ahead, they’ll turn on you. I’m all you’ve got. In your most vulnerable, dark moments, I was the only one that talked to you. That felt you’re pain. I’m only hurting you to make you numb. […]
Truth be told I’ve been avoiding this place. After my string of psychotic ramblings, I honestly wanted to stay away from this place believing that I was being too dependent on outlets to ***** about my problems. It sort of makes sense in my head. But then I had this idea and I guess I just wanted to write it down. For prosperity. Does anyone ever try to take enjoyment out of their own misery? Happiness from the fact that you are unhappy. Theirs this sick sort of satisfaction when every terrible thought in your head is confirmed. […]
You guys got any suggestions? I really like these ones and I seem to be in a CTE mood. Hope you enjoy. Sorry for the obnoxiously long post. This is just filler so it doesn’t show up on the homepage. La la lee la la loo. So how was your day? Do anything grand? I should be working on homework. Oh well. What does it matter? Who knows? Not me? Do you know? I bet you know. Will you tell me? Please. I promise to keep it a secret. Pinky […]
I’m just curious.
It persists. Despite knowing otherwise, it persists. I know the facts, it was told right to my face, but it still persists. I need a mind scrubbing. It’s very stubborn, but it will eventually give in. There is no need to bring it up again. It is simply something I must work through. Yet it persists. Like an annoying bell that keeps on ringing. I’m going to silence that bell. Even if I have to shatter it into pieces. I must ingrain that memory into my head. It was like a twisting sensation. […]
So I talked to the psychiatrist. The lack of Effexor caused the chills and cold sweat and the Abilify caused the restlessness. He called it Akathisia. He gave me pills for that and told me to stop taking the ablilify. I still feel a bit restless though. At least now I can sit down and type this. I can never tell if the side effects are from the medication or just in my head. I’m going to be leaving soon. Highschool is almost over and college awaits. I always say that I want to start over, […]
So I was supposed to take Abilify AND Effexor instead of just Abilify. Abilify is an anti psychotic meant for treating Schizophrenia and Bipolar. Essentially I was putting myself into shock slowly by taking just the Abilify. I felt unbelievably cold and everything felt lightheaded. I really hated it. It was like dying slowly and not in a good way. I have extreme reservations about taking the Abilify even if I take the Effexor as well, but you know. Any thoughts? Anyone know what I’m talking about. That one guy who gave me all that advice […]
It’s hard to determine what’s even going on anymore. It all just seems like a big jumbled mess. I think the new medication is messing with my head. Everything feels all lethargic and sleepy. Like having a big meal in the afternoon and getting that big sleepy vibe. You can feel it in the back of the eyes and on the front top of the skull. The thing is it lasts all day. Nothing tastes good. Everything tastes like sand. I don’t even know if going to the hospital is a good thing. They want […]
I think I had a turn around. I want to live. Not because I see the joy in living or that I realized how painful it would be for others to see me go. I want to spite myself. I want to look at that 90% that tells me I want to die right in the eye and say FUCK YOU. I just had a talk with someone. They have a similar mindset as me in regards to something different. They were secure. The same way I was secure with the idea of death. After stepping outside […]
I’m a coward. I’m simply running away from my problems. School, my parents, college applications. I’m just running. I don’t belong here. People who have the strength to face the world head on belong here. I’m not one of them. I’m a broken gear in a world of meticulous machinery. They all go ticking along while I sputter and stop. I shouldn’t have involved her. She probably wants nothing to do with this place. She probably left a long time ago. It’s better this way. All I was doing by showing this […]
So I’m going to check myself into the hospital on Monday. It was decided after I changed my prescription and had a talk with my counselor. Of course I could have gone that day, but my mom and her decided that it would be best to wait. See how the new meds effect me and plus there is no group therapy on the weekends. I told the counselor that I wanted to kill myself. Not because I was scared or I was in pain at the time. I looked her in the eyes, and with an absolute straight face […]
I’m dying. Not in a good way. In a way that keeps you going. In a way that chips away all the will. In a way that breaks you down and builds you up in their image. I’m dying. I need a talk.
I’m going to ask my counselor if she could send me to the behavioral center. I’m trying to avoid the big project. I’m trying to avoid certain people at school. I’m tired of seeing the same school walls during the day. I’m tired of seeing the same bedroom walls every night. I want to meet people like me. I want to understand their problems. I want to meet a certain person their. I don’t know if they are there, but I have a feeling. I’m going now.
He has the pilot wings while I clean the cherry coke water fountains. I can look out the windows while I clean. I like it this way. I think of the ramblings and I think of the non ramblings. This is a non rambling. I’m undeserving of life. I can’t keep up. I am slow and weak. I don’t deserve the pain or the pleasure. The misery or the manic. The anger or the aloof. I don’t derserve any of it. I’m glad. They can have it. It’s the way it should […]
I’m a puppet on a string and I must dance. No matter how thin the needles get, I must dance. The slipping knots know not what I want. It forces my head under and drowns it all out. Someone please just answer. Whisker-Fish? Rocketman? SeeSmith? ANyone… I don’t want to dance anymore. The needles poke at my eyes and ears. They stick to my tongue and make me lie. If only I had the strength to end it on my terms. Not theirs but mine. That’s all I want in this world. […]
Hello. I just watched about half of the first episode of Legion and I am fascinated with the bizarre surreal scenes. The ones where everything shifts and moves in odd directions and where everything gets fast and then slow and then fast again. The lights dim and flash and dim and flash and dim and flash and dim and flash and dim and flash and dim and flash all about all over the place over here and there and everywhere that has no eyes or pudding pies. I want more of that. Bizarre surrealism. Does anyone know of anything […]