As I mentioned before, I think I fucked myself and got a failing grade on my directed research. I forgot/ignored it all semester so nothing got done. It didn’t help that my advisor was on sabbatical and didn’t really guide me much on what I was supposed to do. Although I can not blame him as it was on me to get things working. Now I wait for what I believe will be a failing grade. It drops Saturday. So somehow this waiting is worse than the past few weeks. I knew something was going to get me […]
Those feelings of dread, sadness, fear, self-hatred. The feeling of being worthless. The feeling of wanting to die. Then you come out of it. Just a bit. The feelings are still there, but they don’t ache as much. They become flat. Maybe you might even feel a little happy. A little carefree. They were real tough a few weeks ago. Then a felt a little lighter. Now I can feel it again. Slowly coming back. I haven’t been here on a small while. I want to comment more on people’s posts. […]
Every time there is a week where a bunch of crappy stuff is supposed to happen, I call it hell week. I have a presentation on Wednesday, I meet with company executives for five minutes on Thursday, and I have a couple of stuff due. When you look at it, it’s not a whole lot, but to me it sucks. I always have this feeling that something is going to get me, and I think this time it’s going to be one of these things. Things just suck. I hope they go well.
Don’t have a whole lot to say but felt like posting anyway. I went to a bar yesterday. A barcade to be specific. I love arcades, so I’m always happy to go to one. I drink occasionally but usually I don’t drink too much, mainly because of how expensive it is. I ended up drinking alot though last night. I blew 40 bucks on four whiskey sours. That feeling of inebriation was nice. I felt light and things didn’t seem so important. I felt at peace in a sense. Last night might have been the […]
That’s not true. I have a lot of things on my mind. But I will talk about two specific things today.
I was thinking about my manic episode earlier today and remembered that it almost got me killed. I have absolutely no idea if I talked about this already, but I freaked out two tellers so bad that one of them went to their car to get a gun. It was at the peak of my mania and my parents, who were already worried, dropped me off at a trading card shop. The type that has all sorts of stuff for […]
I tell myself that I am this so much that it kind of loses its meaning. At least when I’m buy myself. I just got done having a therapy session. I told him about how I think I’m worthless and all the stuff about the lab. I started crying again. When I talk to other people about this stuff I cry, but by myself I don’t (most of the time, sometime I do tear up). He asked me why I felt that way and kept asking why when I gave him answers. Is that what a good therapist […]
My therapist said that I should take walks in order to get me out of my depressive mood. I took one today, but I don’t think it worked. It just made me ruminate more. I thought about what gives my life meaning. I want to good and competent and be useful as an engineer. I don’t know anything. I’m completely lost and without any skill. I’m worthless because I don’t try hard enough to improve. I thought that maybe being a good engineer would give my life meaning. But since I’m not a good engineer, then […]
For a brief moment, I thought that if I was nice and treated everyone with kindness, that things would work out for me. That all my short comings wouldn’t matter and that things would get better if I was just nice. That’s kind of dumb. To think that. Really if you think about it, that line of thinking doesn’t really make you nice. It means you are nice because you want something. It’s like those people who think that a girl would like them if they are nice to them. In my case I thought if I was […]
I have a lot on my mind as usual. But nothing that I haven’t said on here for the past few days. I thought I might share a post I never published. I wrote it on a .txt file and just forgot about it. I wrote it last year. School had just started and I wasn’t sure about a lot of things. It just goes over how much I hated getting my scholarship. Because of what happened because of it. Anyways:
I woke up with a headache today. My body ached all over. I felt the need […]
I was wrong. My seven year anniversary was yesterday. Oh well. I have been having a hard time not crying lately. I don’t know what it is I just feel like crying. I thought for a moment today “why am I so hard on myself. Can’t I give myself some credit” My immediate thought was no, because I am genuinely the worst. I am worthless. I don’t put in the proper effort. I just want things handed to me. I’m no good. No matter how I look at it I don’t deserve to […]
I’ve been posting more recently. It’s because I’m nostalgic. Tomorrow marks 7 years I’ve been posting on this site. Seven long years of coming here and dumping out the contents of my head. Do you ever start think back to when times weren’t so bad. Or at least times that don’t seem that bad from your current view point. Lately the crushing feeling of my current situation has made me nostalgic for those time. My tastes are also reverting back. I crave Sprite more and more because it reminds me of when I was a kid. […]
Everywhere I run my hands across, I find little bumps and blemishes. A lot of it’s just acne. On my back, my arms, my legs, my stomach, it’s everywhere. I have a lot on my mind. I want to learn how to speak it to people. My mom would be a good start. I have feelings of being worthless and out of place, but I can’t communicate it. It is hard. I don’t know. My anti depressants were increased. I hope they work. I flipped a coin today asking if I should kill myself. […]
I’ve been coasting for the past few weeks. Just going with the motions. Something is going to catch up to me. My uncle told me the job market is bad and I should stay in school. Hell I heard from some people here that the job market is bad. When is it good? You always here that the economy is bad and the job market is bad. I still dread the idea of staying here. I’ve been coasting, but something is going to catch up. I can’t do this. I’m not good enough. But […]
The medication seems to be working. I think. I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I still feel worthless and incapable of anything. But I’m still going through the motions. Doing the work. Still don’t know if I’ll quit school or not. Right at this moment I have this nauseous feeling. Like something is going to happen. Something bad. Like it’s creeping up on me and about to strangle me. I don’t know.
This past week has felt like an eternity. Prep for presentations and projects that I know I’m no good at. My partners are the ones that put in most of the work. I just uselessly tag along. Always depending on someone and never the one who is depended on. I’ve also been real weepy lately. Crying over how useless I am. No matter what I do I’ll never learn and better myself. It’s almost like I’m incapable of growing. That’s why I can’t cut it in this Master’s program or in the workforce. My decision […]
I have all these thoughts that come to me day after day, but when I get here to write them down, they seem to slip away. I still don’t know if I’m going to quit my Masters or stick with it. I’ve been looking up jobs in my spare time. I forgot why I choose to continue my education and run away from joining the workforce. Then I see the job postings and I remember again. It seems like I’d be worthless as a masters student or as a regular engineer. I can’t do anything. I’m totally worthless. […]
The main reason why I write here anymore is because I just want to put my thoughts down. Maybe it is disrespectful to the other people here who have problems greater than mine. I look back on it and realized I had a real nice life. A lot of it I felt suicidal, but thinking about it now I can’t find the reasons why. I know other people on here have legit reasons for their desire to die. Legit suffering. Maybe looking back on it I never had that. It was always good and I was too stupid […]
I think I’m going to quit. Only one semester in and I’m already thinking about quitting. I always joked that I wouldn’t last a semester. I guess I know myself best. I went to grad school as a way to run away from becoming an adult. I thought it would be like undergrad and I would continue just goofing off like I did there. I was scared of going into the workforce because I thought I couldn’t make it. That I would fail and become unemployable. So I ran away. Now I’m running away from this. […]
I’m still here. I don’t know why, but I’m still here. I often joked to myself that I wouldn’t last a month in graduate school. So far, I’m still here. Still have plenty of time to fail. Today I decided to do something stupid and not do any coursework today. No reading, no prepping for the essay due next Sunday, no nothing. Just do nothing. To be honest, there have been many days lately where I hardly did anything, so this isn’t much of a stretch. Doing nothing has me stressed, ironically. I’m always thinking […]
I’m back in my apartment. School starts Tuesday. The anxiety peaked yesterday. I was crying and couldn’t get a hold of my emotions. Pacing, talking out loud to myself. I even called my mom and talked about it. The anxiety just completely took hold of everything. I was so scared and panicked. The feeling like everything was going to be pulled out from under me was so overwhelming. I have an appointment with both my therapist and my psychiatrist on Monday. My mom’s pushing me to get meds for anxiety, but I think there’s nothing […]