Fuck I hate my birthday! Everything shitty always happens on my birthday. This time I have officially been told to get out. By my so called best friend. I really have noone & nothing left in this world.
I will not be able to find nor afford accommodation & if I manage to find somewhere, the same thing will happen all over again.
Looks like I’ll be bringing my plans forward to my birthday, end of this month.
I don’t want to die, but I’ve got nothing to live for.
Even the dog wants me gone. I heard growling last night & found her staring right at me through the window & growling! Plus every time she sees me she cowers, like I’m gonna hit her. I haven’t done anything except block her escape holes.
The friend has now moved in & I am reduced to staying downstairs, eating muesli bars for dinner, simply cos there’s not enough for me. Not enough food, not enough room.
Oh & those who are wondering, I managed to plead to stay for another few weeks. Not that I think it’ll do me any good.
I had a surprising bout of anger, nearing a temper-tantrum, this morning. And what was it over? My missing hairbrush. Yeah thats low.
Its about the only thing I keep in the bathroom, it even has my name sharpied on it. I know it was there yesterday,when I didnt need it, but it isnt there today when needed it.
Thats my life. Things are there when I don’t need them & gone when they’re needed. Mostly that’s because other people use my stuff, even though it has my name written all over it, & they dont care & they dont replace. Its not like I can replace […]
And its days like this where I feel completely alone & unwanted. Theyre all upstairs laughing & cheering each other over a game on their ipads.
I just went up to go to the toilet & he looked up & his face told me to fuck off. Quite literally.
I had so many dreams & aspirations… I just wish my body hadnt betrayed me.
Its days like this I feel almost human, almost visible, almost a part of life. Days like this, although its too early & I’m on a crowded bus, I don’t want to die. I want to live & enjoy life. But I have to remind myself that this is only a fleeting glance. I am cursed, in pain, unlovable, poor & soon to be homeless. & that is not gonna change.
My original intention was to comment on someones post – suicide is not selfish. It is only viewed as selfish by those who are angry because you are nolonger there to be used & abused. That is how it will be for me.
In 1 week I will be homeless. I really feel like I should give up right now. Everything has fallen apart, but replacements are falling into place. My ‘best friend’ whom I live with has replaced me with one of her friends & her 2 little kids. I have lost my sister to the clutches of my mother, so I am no longer […]
Why am I always asked this? It always ends with trouble.
What they always mean to ask is, When are you moving out? or, When are you going to get a job? or, When are you going to stop being a moocher?
WTF am I supposed to say??? I don’t have any plans for my life, only for my death next year…
I fear he plans to give me an ultimatum. Get a job or move out. Start going to bed at 830pm & rise at 5am like the rest of the house, or get out, or pay more money.
He doesnt believe in depression, only that a woman’s […]
By a dog. Which I will prob have to babysit & continue its training. I am refusing to do this. I already went out to check the yard & removed anything it could choke on & blocked up holes under the fence. If that puppy starts whining at night, because its to be kept outside never allowed inside, I’m gonna do something to it.
Just so you know, I am COMPLETELY against animal cruelty. So I’ll prob unblock one of the holes or something. Or wake everybody up, because it’ll keep me up.
After all the complaining they do about money, & now they have a fricken […]
I don’t think I can last til Jan, maybe I’ll speed everything up & check out on my bday (nov 29). I am so sick of living with these inconsiderate idiots! She doesn’t even seem to care about her own children! He put them to bed without showers & still in their sweaty, dirty day clothes. He is such a hypocritical, chauvinistic prick, writing rules for all of us to follow, but they don’t apply to him.
They are both downstairs, playing video games & have music up so loud it is amplified in the kids bedrooms! I can’t even be in my own ‘room’ cos […]
Yet another day I am woken early. Why this time? I don’t have a friggin clue! No kids to watch, no food to watch, no doors to be left unlocked & I dont need to go anywhere. Not that I can cos the only key I have is the garage door remote & they stopped working & cannot be moved manually.
So here I am, finally having a good sleep, when my friend wakes me up, to inform me that they are leaving. I dont remember agreeing to go anywhere today, & the kids are dressed & not playing xbox & she has a key to […]
Why are ppl so inconsiderate? ! A prime example of shit that happens to me… I WAS asleep. I was actually having the best sleep I’ve had in 2 weeks. She sends her kids downstairs to be away from her & they play on the xbox. Noe the xbox is right next to my “room”, with just a curtain dividing.
Do of course, kids being kids, they start yelling & making sound effects & the boy kept calling to me, reminding me that I had to show him something. She knows that I cannot shut kids voices out, like she, their mother, can.
So of course I […]
Anybody here believe in reincarnation or past lives or the zodiac? I know its more common these days to find others who believe in the same, but of course everyone has their own opinion on it.
Anyway, I believe I have had past lives & many times I have been told I am an old soul. One old friend once told me that the zodiac sign that you are born under, says how old your soul is & how many life lessons are still to be learned. Each life you live there is a lesson for your spirit to learn & once you learn that, […]
Here’s what I mean. I just came back from going upto the shops. It took me 2hrs to walk up there & back. I walk in the door, everybody is downstairs & NOBODY notices me. I walk, or rather hobble, right infront of them & no one says anything. Its like I don’t exist until someone wants something from me!
I just want my old life back. Where I was happy, or could pretend easily, would go out every weekend, drink, make friends. Where noone told me I should do this or that, people needed me for help, but they would also help me. Where I […]
As the title says, I have set the date. I am so very very tired.
I have moved with my friend & her kids into her boyfriend’s house & its not a picnic. I basically live in the garage since its a 3 bed house & her 2 kids have finally got their own room.
I keep saying ‘it’s a roof over my head’ & ‘I could be on the street’. But I think I might prefer anywhere else but here.
He wakes up at 5am to go to work, so everyone is awake, including me who gets woken by the garage door. Mind you, I have a […]
I had a real bad night last night. Barely got any sleep cos of these withdrawl symptoms I’m having.
I have been on Cymbalta for the past 5 years. The first doc who put me on it didnt care. So I ended up monitoring myself. I then learned from the 3rd doc I went to that I was taking well over the recommended maximum dosage-120mg I was taking 240mg most days! That was a clue that it wasnt working. So over the next 3yrs I tapered down to 60mg. Now my doc (the 8th doctor ive seen) has finally listened to me after nearly a year […]
Here I am at nearly 2am, still watching boring tv, still wide awake.
Ive already taken 10 mercyndol in hopes that it will make me sleepy & dull jy back pain, but all I have is a headache!
Gahh why can’t I sleep?!
I am so beyond lowest of low points that I have given up on everything. I couldnt be bothered showering, brushing my teeth, washing clothes even eating. I don’t sleep one day just so I can sleep through the next. I am in immense pain from my back and my rotting teeth.
I once cared so much about my health and my appearance. Where did it go wrong?
Finally my doctor is listening to me & trying to help. Why now after nearly a year of seeing him, telling him my troubles, what I want to do, does he now want to do something?
I made my very […]
Karma
As I sit under this empty tree,
I wonder how life could be so cruel to me.
I give my all to those around,
But karma doesn’t come back and surround.
There are no answers that I can see,
To ease this pain inside of me.
But it will end sooner than you know,
When all I have to do is let go.
I cannot wait for karma to return,
The love for my soul that I most yearn.
All I hope is you learm from this,
To take more care of those you might miss.
D.A
.
.
author- me 2013
I had many more poems, but sadly I lost the only copies when I couldn’t afford my storage shed […]
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