i have been suicidal for years. come close several times. never have i had the voice in my head tell me it is time. until now. over and over again it tells me that. at seemingly random times. when i am out , at work etc etc. i suffer from major depression. have since i was a child way past that now. this time of year is hard for me for several reasons. i get seasonal affective disorder. november is the anniversary of my mom’s death. the holidays have always been rough. january is the anniversary of my dad’s death. they died unexpectedly at relatively […]
i am writing this at the behest of my therapist. he thinks people out there could benefit from my insight. so here goes. had a philosophical discussion on suicide. more specifically on who does it. my theory is that there are two camps. the first one acts on impulse when faced with a devastating loss or set back. the other camp thinks about it. analyzes, plans, dreams, dissects it. and that is where i am. the reasons, the hows and whys change. but it never really goes away. it is always there waiting, lurking. a quick “easy” solution to life’s problems. at times it seems […]
70/30 that’s the ratio of where i am currently leaning in the daily life/death battle in my head. obviously if that was on the positive side i wouldn’t be posting here. saw a new doc yesterday. i apparently scared him because he had me sign a no self harm contract. i have signed them before not a big deal. i suppose my flat affect when talking about dying didn’t help. anyway he put me on rexulti. anyone been on it? i had never heard of it. the list of possible side effects was interesting. after being on so many other meds i have lost faith […]
the voice in my head that has for months been telling me it hates me just recently changed its tune. now it says its time. why that is i don’t know. but i am listening. been thinking real hard. seems to be six of one half a dozen of the other. i have a “contract” with my therapist to see him on tuesday. but that is four days away. in the now it seems like a reasonable thing to do. no one other than my therapist knows how suicidal i am. and that fits my m o . if i am dead i don’t have […]
five months since i have posted here last. five months of pure hell. grief, depression, resentment, self-loathing, the ever present “it” that wants me dead. there isn’t any facet of my life that is good right now. i am currently purging my house to both make room for all the stuff from my recently deceased parents house and to symbolically at least erase myself. the farther removed i am from my parents deaths the more everything seems wrong. there isn’t a facet of my life that is going well for me. marriage, job, health etc etc etc. i was ready to check out today. i […]
i am reeling from the death of both parents in a two month span. trying to deal with a slew of health problems. having an alcoholic husband. suffering from life long treatment resistant depression. and there is that suicidal demon inside who never misses an opportunity to point out how easy it could be to go. it tells me at seemingly random times i could do various things to end this sad life. six months ago i set a deadline. that day was yesterday. how ironic that yesterday i got the first check from my parents banking accounts. i can’t do that to my brother. […]
the last time i posted here my mom had just passed away. that was november 18. january 13 my dad died. to say i am overwhelmed would be an understatement. the monumental task of dealing with one unexpected death becomes herculean with two. at age 45 i am essentially an orphan. and i feel so alone. the busyness of making funeral arrangements, visitation, funeral etc etc gives way to the utter loneliness and despair of everyday life. everyone goes back to their lives. everyone just tries to go on like nothing ever happened. they forget. i wish i could. i got sent home from work […]
it’s been awhile since i have been here. i was hoping not to feel compelled to write here again but circumstances have decided otherwise. it has been a rough year for me.when my birthday came around i had every intention of being dead. i had made arrangements, secured a means, everything was set to go. then the day came and for some reason i couldn’t do it. a few short days later i had a very ugly and traumatic breakup with both my shrink and therapist. and yet i survived. i have been off psych meds for the first time in over 20 years. things […]
when i was here last it was my birthday and i was quite certain that it was my last day . a lot has happened since then that i think you all may find at least interesting if not useful. i was quite determined to kill myself-had the means, a location(not going to mess up my own home), wrote instructions as to what i wanted for a funeral, gotten my affairs in order etc. i wrote here, told everyone what i was going to do, then left the house. got to my location, sat down and wrote in my journal, called my (then) therapist leaving […]
well today is my birthday. and i am debating whether or not i want to stay alive. no one knows what is going on with me or else i probably wouldn’t be sitting here alone. but that is ok. the people who do know i am suicidal ie shrink, therapist, all have other people to attend to. i am willing to bet i am not even on their radar today. i have the means, a place picked out, all i need is some gumption to get moving. the bottom line is i can’t take living like this anymore. this depression just won’t let up and […]
today is a dangerous day for me. my husband is currently out of the state. my therapists and shrink don’t work on fridays. not that i would reach out to them anyway. i am alone with my thoughts and my gun. today is not the day i had originally chosen, but what is the difference? it is not going to change things if i wait a few more days. my “funky” way of thinking is not going to be changed. i have tried to explain how this go around has been different than the others. but i don’t have the words. all i can say […]
the day is coming fast. i have things to do. death preparations someone told me. making sure things are in order- savings accounts, insurance policies, bills for the month paid. gonna start cleaning my closet. nothing obvious. been writing goodbye letters in my head. there is a small part of me who is screaming . the majority says shut up. i can’t explain what is going on in my head. rapid mood swings, not wanting to talk, wanting to be alone. all kinds of physical complaints. too late to address those. too late to address my fucked up head. i accept responsibility for the fucked […]
what is irony? irony is one’s credit union trying to sell life insurance to an imminently suicidal person!
the shrink doesn’t think there is anymore drug wise he can do for me. he doesn’t think my depression is a chemical imbalance . so as of today i have stopped taking my meds. he doesn’t know this. i guess he will figure it out when i stop seeing him. from my research it seems i will be in for a hell of a ride. oh well. doesn’t sound like any of it will be lethal but one can hope. maybe the only thing it will accomplish is to clarify my desire to be dead. been thinking about it hard and heavy. haven’t procured the […]
those of you who know the character in the play hamlet know what happens to her. it sort of sums up what is going on in my mind. as in i feel like i am losing it. the swing of emotions i am experiencing is exhausting. anger, deep sadness, tears that come from nowhere, and an urge to kill myself. while i am supposedly making progress by letting myself express these emotions, it is the unpredictability of the whole mess that is getting me. i have been suicidal since i was a child so of course that will emerge from the pit as well. i […]
well today was almost the day. why it wasn’t isn’t really important here. but the means, the opportunity and the will are all there. i really don’t know why i have fallen into the pit. i have been crying a lot (read everyday), angry, etc etc. you know the drill. after that then there is a certain kind of numbness. i am purposely withdrawing from the world, life. then the physical stuff isn’t exactly helping either. the near constant stomach pain whether i eat or not, various wounds from months ago that are not healing. chest pain and fatigue just for shits and giggles. yes […]
my mind is racing with all kinds of negative thoughts. therapy is getting hard and heavy. been feeling physically sick with the stress. i am in a very fragile state. been stirring up the shit in therapy and something big is lurking just below the surface. i don’t know what it is but i can cry at the drop of the hat. i am supposed to be trying hypnosis but at the moment it terrifies me. i am scared . something momentous is going to happen and no one outside of therapy knows it. i am withdrawing from family/friends because i just don’t want to […]
i haven’t been posting much lately because it is always the same old shit. i take 6 medications to try to make me feel better. i was recently put in my place by my shrink who sees 24 nut jobs like me a day. 20 minute appts only. money wise it comes out to $800 an hour-nice scam . i finally got it through my thick skull that the less i say the easier the appts will be. just give me my scripts and send me on my way. i can write with impunity now knowing that no one has the time to read these […]
ever have a day at work thinking that swallowing a bottle of pills would be a good afternoon snack? i don’t know what is going on with me . i want to be alone but yet being home alone is making me nervous these days. the thoughts are racing. and trying to get me to talk is like pulling teeth. i keep thinking i see something in my peripheral vision. add that to some new stressors in my life and its time to play will i or won’t i again. hey maybe i am just coming unglued. time to go back to my cell.
i realize a lot of you on this site are young so my experiences will not compute. but if you are female and live to see your 40s this is what you can look forward to. i have suffered from severe clinical depression most of my life-all of my adult life. so the next kick in the ass i am experiencing is the run up to menopause. which in itself can cause depression. hormones running amok , thyroid problems, weight gain the laughs just keep coming. which is why my thoughts are running to the dark side these days . that little voice that tells […]
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