been a domestic servant today. clean this clean that. but i have a way to make chores a little bit more interesting. mother nature is big help. crank the tunes and ignore the whole outside world for a while. in psycho speak that means isolating. maybe, maybe not. i was focused on my task and was thankful i was alone. cleaning the bathroom is not always a pleasant job. but it was ok because i was flying and up the tunes some more. while i know being alone so much isn’t much good for me but i am short on alternatives. none need not to […]
feeling really sad and weepy today. why exactly i don’t know. went to see the shrink today. it is time to change meds again. going to try ( if insurance co lets me) viibrid. read some reviews about it. like everything else it is a savior for some and horrible for others. they all mentioned weight gain as a side effect. great. already feeling and looking bovinian as it is. having lots of trouble with my sense of taste. lots of things don’t taste good anymore, or after a few bites there is no taste at all. perhaps it is time to go back to […]
i feel a crying jag coming on for no particular reason. just really sad today. i am pretty sure i took my meds this morning though my memory sucks when i am in this state. i wonder what it would be like to not take meds. just be me au naturale. i suppose i would just fall further into the abyss. though at this time i question whether there is much more to fall into. my suicidal thoughts are all encompassing. i see my death in everyday things. falling down the stairs, crossing the street, cutting up vegetables, burning myself on the stove. when i […]
there are two of me. the rational and the irrational. the rational me realizes it all comes down to the money. it is what makes the world go around. if you don’t have it your needs and wants are irrelevant. the same can be said about any kind of healthcare. mental health especially. it was rationed out like it was going to break the bank. as long as those insurance checks keep coming all is well. the “rational” me is very cynical, she doesn’t believe there are better days in my future. it is at this point where the rational and irrational meld. the irrational […]
did everyone have a good saturday?  well here is the state of my world. i received an invitation to go out hang with my friends whom i haven’t seen in a while. the invite panicked me. none of these people know my current state of mind. and i have no inclination to fill them in. so i am at home alone, which is how i prefer to be these days. what does that say when contact from friends i have had for years makes me panic and cry? probably not a good thing . i prefer to be alone and not have to talk to […]
it amazes me how easy it is to fall back into the darkness. one minute i am cruising a long comfortably numb and the next i am making plans to die. i have been crying like someone is turning on a switch. my desire to be alone is strong. from where i am right now i see myself cutting the ties that keep me alive. maybe cutting isn’t the right word. maybe fading away is more accurate. i don’t share the chaos that is going on in my head with anyone. same old shit just different day. the paranoia i feel when i am out […]
just a note to tell you what a joke tms is. all i have to do is get 3 clinics and my insurer to talk to each other! piece of cake right? my money is on the insurance denial. especially when i found the price tag. 6-12 grand! i would tell you this in person but i haven’t done my homework. not willing to go into that kind of debt just to “fix” my brain. as of this time i am still worth more dead than alive. not that anyone is keeping score.
seems like the only thing left for me is tms. anybody out there have this treatment? doing a little research i found the likely cost is between 6k-12k. depending on how many sessions is necessary. my insurance company has to decide whether it will pay. lots of hoops to jump through. my bet is that they won’t pay. the shrink gave me a referral. he seemed rather crabby yesterday. chastise me for not doing my “homework”. i left the office in tears for some reason. my first thought was to go make a “purchase”. the thought is still there. hell it is a lot cheaper […]
something is going on with my body. this new “fun” thing just started. i am having trouble speaking-getting tongue tied. people talk to me and i can’t understand what they are saying. sounds like gibberish to me. i am shaking like crazy. the weakness i have been having has spread to the rest of me. feeling like i am watching myself from afar. i am drifting away . making myself invisible . having a lot of trouble concentrating on what it is i am doing. feeling anxious about leaving my house. i know i should go in to see my shrink. it is obvious the […]
i am a blur of emotions. panic, dread, nervous, angry, and some fuck the world and everyone in it added for good measure. i have come to a fork in the road of sorts. i have come to a point where i have been on just about every med out there. currently taking 6 total. and since i am still topside i guess they are working to a degree. thinking about hypnosis . there seems to be something deep in my memory that is trickling out at a rather slow pace. whatever it is or is not i am scared. i remember being sexually aware […]
have a nice social buzz going what better time to reach out? today is an anniversary of sorts for me. one year ago today i got felt up by a cop in front of an office full of people. checking for the gun i had recently purchased. in my state i had to wait 3 days to get it. so therefore i didn’t have it yet. the whole incident was traumatizing. and in after thought was a mistake. should have learned to keep my mouth shut. i really don’t know what i was hoping to accomplish. my stay at the nut hut was a waste […]
so its the end of the year-time to reflect. the grand conclusion you come to after reviewing my chart is that there is no mirth expressed anywhere. i don’t think that should come as any surprise to anyone. after all this site is about suicide. i see a shrink because i have major depression. not seeing where mirth fits in this scenario. btw you most definitely make me nervous/anxious. you have the power to incarcerate me and having used that power earlier in the year i try to mind my manners. it is not just you however. Wendy has been added as we have recently […]
it all comes back to me. had a shrink appt today. that place makes me tense. the song and dance basically ended up with the notion that if i had what he called a “community” my depression would be markedly reduced. well i used to have one but times and people change. what it really says is that i am at fault for my current condition. think i have heard this somewhere before. i will be the first to admit to my lazy worthlessness. so then it begs the question why do i self sabotage myself? what is the motive behind it. from where i […]
got a nice philosophical buzz going so what better time to empty my head. i have finally gotten through to my emotional self that my mental health “team” are not my friends. speaking about my shrink specifically. i am not stupid i realize that is business. i am a number and an insurance check. he sees x amount of clients per day times two clinics. but the emotional girl in me didn’t want to see that. she was hoping for a “working friendship” for lack of better explanations. she had embarrassed me greatly. so what is the best way to lick ones wounds and salvage […]
i quit taking effexor cold turkey a little more than a week ago. i wouldn’t suggest it. been kind of crazy. i am so damned tired. sleeping 12 hours when i can and still dead tired. the weakness and dizzy spells are an added bonus. thinking about stopping all of them as it has been a very long time since i have been unmedicated. my shrink doesn’t think that would be a good idea. chances are good that he is right. don’t think i could handle all the withdrawal symptoms. but it is becoming more obvious to me that there isn’t much left for me […]
been doing some research on the newest drug du jour-ativan. reading all the stories about why it is one shouldn’t consume alcohol with this drug. some silly thing about both being cns depressants and one may forget to breath. didn’t find anything that mentions pot specifically but i am guessing its about the same. home alone tonite so i can bake myself silly. not too concerned that my breathing will cease. the fact that i could do something to that affect hasn’t escaped my attention. not feeling it today. be my luck i would fuck it up somehow. someone commented on a previous post that […]
it amazes me how my physical and mental health has changed so quickly. i am now taking ativan. feeling sleepy and spacey. luckily for me these past few days weren’t work days. tomorrow on the other hand i need to be cognizant. i am nervous about going back to work. left monday with the chest pains, high bp etc. as usual with me nothing was found in the blood work. have an appt with the primary doc on monday. saw the shrink tuesday. he commented on how tense i seemed to be. and went on to say that he feels like he needs to walk […]
feeling real slow and spacey today. sleeping too much. very fatigued. bp is high again today. feels like the wheels are falling off the bus. sudden noises, movements startle me. i suddenly don’t feel safe. left the last therapy appt in tears. i have always talked to certain “confidants” in my head. in doing so i sometimes forget that those persons have no clue what is going on. i set myself up to be disappointed which then reinforces the no one gives a shit idea. my shrink feels he has to walk on eggshells around me because i am so tense . that isn’t what […]
today’s ironic moment involves what came in the mail today. a flyer that came addressed to me lets me know that a certain sporting goods store is having a big sale. you can guess what it is that’s on sale. guns of course. while i currently don’t feel compelled to buy one, it doesn’t hurt to know a price range for what i am looking at. are we all the butt of some cosmic joke or does it just seem like it?
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been awhile since i have been here. the summer months are usually better for me depression wise. i can write with relative impunity knowing that those who know me will not likely see this. not that i have any real bombshell to unleash. same ole shit just different day. while i enjoy fall for football season i hate it for the upcoming extended darkness. my mood becomes darker along with the shortened daylight hours. trying to come up with a strategy to combat this but i am not too confident . it has been this way for x amount of years why should 2013 be […]