My mind is so chaotic. I have no idea what’s going on. I hate it. Yesterday I was at a train station, and I looked at the tracks and I just wanted to go down there and walk until I got hit by a train. But I didnt. And when I was on the train I cried a little. While I was walking home, I felt sad because of how lonely I am and I thought that if literally anyone came up to me I would talk to them. Then someone came running in my direction to catch a bus and I just ignored them […]
Why does everywant want to have sex. My older brother. My younger brother. My parents. My neighbours. I hate sex. I don’t want to have sex. But no girls are interested in me apart from wanting to have sex. I don’t want it… I hate sex
I feel kind of drained. Last week I had a really strong impulse to hang myself. I was just sitting on my bed and my belt was there so I gripped it tightly and thought about it. For a minute or so. And a couple of days ago… or I don’t know. I don’t know when. Maybe yeaterday or more than two days ago. I was in my living room and I started crying because I thought that my life is really pointless and it’s just not worth it. In general I feel fine, I guess. But these things happen more and more often recently.
I’ve been trying to eat a certain number of calories for the past 3 weeks or so. Right now its 3 in the morning and I’ve been staying up until I am hungry again so I can reach my calorie goal.
I can’t help but think about when I was starving myself on purpose instead. This doesnt feel a lot better. At least I am almost going to be a healthy weight soon. It’s something.
I don’t like it. I can remember purposefully starving myself and sawing at my skin with a dull knife because I had to do it for some reason. I was convinced I […]
Every time I meet someone it makes me so happy. On Monday this week I helped someone carry a bag on the train station and last week I helped someone with directions. It made me very happy. I often smile when I see other people because they make me happy. I want to meet more people, I don’t want to be alone.
Today in particular is bad. I dont know when it started. For the past month more or less I’ve been having nightmares almost every day. And I’m stressed out about my school work. I have so much work to do.
I even had a nightmare today. The only thing I remember is that I had cancer, so I didn’t have any hair.
I’ve been going out and meeting people. Well not really meeting people, just walking up and talking for a short while. I guess it’s better than nothing. I wanted to get to know more people. I do. I met a very beautiful girl just before […]
Was just thinking.
Someone told me I would fall in love with anyone that fell in love with me so I started thinking about it.
I blame most of my mental problems on my mother. Idk if that’s alright. I am obsessed with the way I look and I think about it everyday, everyday the reason why I do things isn’t because I want to better myself or anything, and usually the main reason I do things is because I want to receive compliments from people in the future because I just love it when people tell me nice things…
It’s so easy to vent to people online […]
I’ve been like this for 3 years now. My memory doesn’t even work anymore, everything is just a blur to me. Sometimes it’s crystal clear but today I barely remember a thing. I started working out and I started waking up earlier… 7:30 AM every day. It’s been three weeks and now I want to die. I thought that if I just kept pushing maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad but today is just not a good day.
Two days ago I felt awesome and now the past couple of days I want to die, and literally nothing changed except that I masturbated a […]
There’s always something new.
What more can I say?
There’s just always something new.
And it’s never a good thing
Well really, I do want to say more than that, but I thought it sounded pretty neat. Speaking of the word neat, I always thought that it would rhyme with caveat. But those two words dont rhyme.
I’ve been kind of, “productive” these past few days. If you can call it that. Well, yeah, I guess it’s the right word, the problem is that everyone says it’s not good enough. They just go “Hey man, you seem fucking miserable and you need to eat more. Just […]
I wrote the second half of this text a couple of months ago but I had a similar thought again so I thought I should expand on it.
I had the realization, that I don’t see myself as a real person. Everyone else seems to take the fact that they are real for granted – not me. It’s not a philosophical thing, it’s really just the way I feel. I imagined being torn inside out about 20 minutes ago, it was a nice thought. I can imagine the burning sensations when my raw insides get exposed to the outside world. I can see my ribs bending […]
I’m so in love with this girl that I cry and feel nauseous every day, clearly I am lovesick. Everyone supports me. I have removed all of the negativity that was in my life before and I am able to communicate properly with everyone around me. So now I am the only problem left. And I know just the solution to that hahahahahha. I know they care about me, they just dont know how happy they would be if I was gone really, how much of a positive impact it would make when I’m gone, it would be a relief for everybody! I’m clearly not […]
Hello again. This isnt really a vent post or anything sad, I just wanted to clear my head a little bit. For the past few days, maybe even the past week. I’ve been reading the Bible quite a lot. And yesterday I went through every single one of my posts on this website lol, reading all of them took more than 2 hours.
I guess I should say thank you to everyone that has helped me here, especially System (I dont know what happened to them but I hope theyre doing well), and HeartlessViking. I want to say that my life is getting better, and I […]
I don’t know who to talk to anymore, so I’m back here, because no one wants or cares about me, and the people who do don’t understand how serious it is. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live either.
I guess I should be honest here, if anywhere. Recently, I’ve been having bizarre sexual thoughts about my family and God, who are supposed to be these sacred things that you should never sexualize and I hate myself for it and the only thing I can blame is the abilify. That horrible horrible drug that yes, has removed some of […]
Hi. I dont think anyone is around from back when I posted here regularly, so I won’t say anything. This post is mostly because a friend of mine told me I should write a letter to the girl that used to be everything to me, and then left me and shattered my whole world even more than it already was. Anyway, I’ll start.
Reading back on the messages we sent to each other, I can tell that you probably didnt like me that much. I mean you said you were cold and empty and that you never felt good about anything but I didn’t believe it. […]
I’m not depressed. I’ve always been fascinated by death and bored by life. Even when I was a kid. I was taught to be christian, but it always seemed so boring to me, I never had any dreams of being a fireman or a police or a doctor or anything, my dream as a 5 year old was to be an old, lonely alcoholic that hated the world as much as he hated himself. I was seven years old the first time I wanted to kill myself. I was eleven years old when I started to think that I really didn’t fit in anywhere, that […]
Laying awake late at night thinking about all the things I could have done but was too scared to do.
?It’s been about five days since my last suicide attempt. That day I didn’t really want to kill myself and not right now either but I felt like it was the only thing left for me to do. I stopped myself at the last second though, thinking that there is still a lot of things that I want to do. Like having a close relationship with someone. Doesn’t matter if it’s a friend or something romantic. It would probably be best for me if it was just a friend though. I had a crush on a girl at my school which I haven’t gone to […]
In my delusions I somehow managed to convince myself that I’m perfect and there’s nothing wrong with me, again. Yeah I’m a narcissist… my mother isn’t. I’m the problem. I made my mother cry today. It’s not the first time. We got into an argument and it didn’t get very heated but then again that might be another one of my delusions. I just told her I didn’t like her. I don’t have any reason to, but I also don’t have any reason not to. I guess it’s because she is really trying hard to get to know me and actually help me. I’m really […]
He is perfect. I’m worthless. He is funny. I’m boring. He is intelligent. I’m stupid. He is always happy. I’m always in a bad mood. He is generous and cares for others… he’s strong and full of energy. People can trust him when he makes promises. I couldn’t care less about anyone, not even me. I never seem to have any energy, I’m weak and I never keep my promises. He is a liar, I’m honest. He is curious about others and altruistic. He is sadistic. The only thing that makes me feel okay is pain. But both of them are me.
“I contribute nothing. I’m useless. I need to stop acting like I’m depressed and start working.” Those are my mother’s words, not mine. If I talk back I get punished, if I try to help I get humiliated and degraded. Why should I be alive anyway? It’s not like I make anyone’s day better. It’s not like I’m helping anyone. Even the times I have helped someone, it must have been something I imagined because no one else remembers me ever helping anyone. Like, what am I even supposed to do? Everything just gets taken away from me. My parents just undermine all my efforts […]
I’m so bored. I’ve done pretty much everything except for drugs. Maybe I should. I just want to feel something that’s not just… really heavy emptiness and boredom. I’ve listened to so many songs, I’ve watched movies, jerked off, I can eat as much junk food as I want to. But I don’t want to do any of those things. They’re all boring now. Yesterday and the day before that I went out, took a walk. Maybe two hours. I didn’t feel anything except pain in my legs. For like a month and a half I’ve been thinking of just, buying a bottle of vodka, […]