The other day I heard about the suicide of a young mother. I didn’t know her personally but someone I knew was acquainted with someone who knew her. I believe implicitly that everyone should reserve the right to end their life if they wish but if you’re a mother of young children ( in this tragic case under five years of age) are you not obliged to continue. I have no children myself, in my mental state bringing children into this world is out of the question but if I did have children suicide would be off the menu. I’m not judging this mother, I’ve […]
Some people just get lost in life. In the suicide of a member of the rock group Crowded house (I think it was the drummer) the leader of the group spoke out and said the guy lost his way in life. It ended in the guy being found hanging in a park in Australia. I don’t remember NOT being lost in life. I was lost from the word go. How I’ve held on for this long is miraculous. 2018 should have been the year I completed, now I’m gonna have to push things back to 2019. So lost, so fucking irreparably lost.
In an 1848 novel by Balzac ” lost illusions” which I read when I was in my early twenties there was an extended paragraph which I found astonishing, astonishing because of the psychological insight contained within. It said ( I’m paraphrasing because it’s been nearly 14 years since I read it) that there are 3 types of suicide. 1. Suicide borne of despair. 2. Suicide which is reasoned out. […]
I remember a suicide many years ago. A woman drove off a pier. The divers who recovered the car from the water found a note inside, it read “this is hell”, scrawled repeatedly down the page. At the time I remember thinking how I would of gladly liked to have been an occupant of that car and how true the suicide note was, those three words “this is hell” have stayed with me. My life is indeed hell, Christmas has exacerbated despair within me, it hit me like a sledgehammer today!
Today I had to go from the southside of Dublin to the Northside of Dublin for weed, an awkward nearly 3 hour trip overall. When I got there i said to my guy ” for fucksake, I had to drive halfway across the county for this” to which he replied ” I had to go up north to get it, four hours”. Street marijuana in Europe does be sprayed with God only knows to bulk up the weight, so to get unsprayed real weed you have to go to a grower and travel out of your way. How I would love the convenience of walking […]
It’s my birthday in little over a fortnight, how I dread it, how I fear it, it’s gonna push me over the edge. When u make up your mind to end it u paradoxically become calm, it’s like a line from Pushkin I remember “when a man has decided upon a dangerous but inevitable course of action his heart beats steadily but calmly”. Suicide is inevitable for me, last time I tried, over ten years ago, I used the pill overdose method, it’s not like in the movies, one pill consumed gently after another, bullshit, you scoop the pills into your mouth like a dog […]
In the history of humanity, since man evolved from the Ape my self esteem is the lowest, and no self esteem is the root cause of suicide irrespective of what therapists say.
I ask myself why continue on a daily basis. It’s getting harder to come up with a satisfactory answer. My family would be destroyed by my suicide, that’s why I continue but If they knew the hell that is my life maybe they could let me go. I fucking hate life, there is no joy or happiness or contentment in my life. Drug induced highs are the only source of pleasure in my life and let’s be honest what kind of life is that? The only time I’m at peace is when inebriated but reality is always waiting to pounce.
“How fierce must be the hurricanes that blow through the mind of a man that seeks solace from the muzzle of a pistol”, is how Balzac quite eloquently put the mindset behind blowing your head off, it’s as true today as it was when those words were written in 1830. The hurricanes that blow through my mind can be pacified only by substance use, namely pot and Ambien, under the influence of those substances is the only time I can think staight, the sensation of a clear head has become a long forgotten memory, what is it like to be able to think clearly? Plot […]
I’m quite curious as to people’s nationality on this site. I’m Irish and I’m guessing from the penmanship of the posts here most members are either American or canadian but I could be wrong, there could be people from everywhere writing here.
You only get so many get out of jail free passes in life and I’ve cashed in all mine. I’m up against the brick wall of reality and I don’t think I’m gonna make it. I would literally have to start from scratch to continue with life and that scares me. I’m in my 30’s, how do you start all over in your 30’s? I let life pass me by and now I’m playing catch-up, what if it’s too late? I’ve made my bed and now I have to lie in it, I think it might be too late to make another.
At heart I’ve never felt at one with the digital age we live in (that’s if you want to call it living) I think people had a better quality of life in years gone by, okay you had a shorter life expectancy but none of the horseshit technology has imposed on us, from morning to night technology, so called social media what is it really but a game of oneupmanship, there’s a hypothesis that the more we rely on technology the more suicide rates go up. Just step outside the door what will you see but everyone on smartphones, conversation is becoming a lost art. […]
The cliffs of moher lie on the west coast of Ireland, a famed beauty spot, popular with tourists and so forth, but also a notorious suicide spot, the only other suicide spots I’ve heard of are beachy head in England and the golden gate bridge, but I guess every country has them. Those cliffs are about a four hour drive from me and lately my thoughts have been gravitating towards jumping off. That four hour drive would be hell, “give life another try” my instinct of self preservation would say but truth be told I see no other way out. The best policy would be […]
I’m at the mercy of a ludricrously vivid imagination. Before any decision all I can imagine are the pitfalls and negative consequences. I remember reading in a novel once -” imagination the enemy of men, the father of all terrors”, how fucking true that is. People with little or no imagination are less of a suicide risk, the Homer Simpsons of this world I truly envy, ignorance is bliss!
Some people just aren’t made for life and I’m one of them. I feel the end coming, i’ve no choice, to die by my own hand is my only option. I’m starting to override my anguish about what my suicide would do to my loved ones, if they knew how I see myself they might respect my decision and say ” his life truly was that bad, it’s heartbreaking what happened but at least he’s found peace”. I just can’t do it anymore.
Balzac once wrote low self-esteem is at the bottom of most suicides, he’s right. I can’t see a guy or girl with regular self-esteem taking their life. You need to fucking despise yourself to complete suicide. Somewhere along the line as a kid I failed to develop self-esteem, perhaps because I grew up with a stutter but life threateningly low self-esteem has been my companion since, I can’t shake him off. He’s with me everywhere.
So its come to this. I’ve been reading the posts on this site for a while now and the people on here though strangers i can relate to. I’ ve nobody to turn to irl, don’t want to be a burden and all that jazz. I play a losers part on the stage of life, I just can’t get into life, i see everybody else out there leading full lives and heres me on the sideline crippled by fear,anxiety,paralysis. I want to end my life so badly but i hang on for my family, my suicide would devestate them, but i’ve reached the point where […]
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