rayonhousefly

I’m tired… I could honestly just leave it at that and it would be correct, but I need to vent.

I’ve come so far in the last few years, done things I never thought possible and grown and loved and lost and loved again, unhealthy healthy, working and jobless, overall progress. And yet, I’m still empty. I still have intrusive suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I don’t want to hurt anyone but damn does it seem nice to just give in and stop feeling.

I’ve always been more emotional than my peers, which as a man hasnt helped me much. The older I get the […]

Me and my girlfriend of just about a year broke up a couple days ago. It may not have been that long, but this was the first relationship where i could actually see a future with this person. At least for the first 6 months. Id been wanting to break up for a while, so it was mutual, but the fact that she left me, a man, for her high schooler friend just kinda stings.

I mean, she was very immature herself, so i felt like i was waiting around for her to grow up. But we got so close, closer than i had been to […]

Or she isnt. Right now im just focusing on getting through the night. I’m having problems with my girlfriend again, not that shed know it, again, because she’s a child(not literally) and I can’t reach out to her. I feel like a drug addict and she’s my dealer doling out just enough affection to keep me hooked. I like to think shes doing the best she can, but even if she is, i dont feel like its enough. Am i judt expecting too much out of one person? I dont fucking know, im pushing our usual weekend together back a day so i can spend […]

I’m not sure if ive mentioned this before, but my best friend in the whole world died a couple of years ago, and I still blame myself, and I miss him every fucking day. Even though I have a job I like, a nice place to live, an amazing girlfriend who is my soul mate, and my few hobbies, I still feel empty and alone without him on more than a few days every week. I loved him, ane he didn’t deserve to go out like he did. I finally went to his grave for the first time a month ago, and feel like ill […]

How can i just stop being so possesive and give her the space she needs?

Im just wondering if anyone has kik and would like to chat or if there is a kik group for people here already. If not would anyone be interested in me making one? There are already a couple depression rooms in there but theyre very quiet. I know for me the hardest times are the night times. Everyones asleep, everythings quiet, and i think too much and have too much time to drown in my own feelings. I think it would be helpful. If there is already something like this let me know. Also my kik is juanjulio02. I just want people to talk to, […]

I just felt so hurt and betrayed. I went down to the beach, loaded up on benzos, blacked out and woke up in my own bed. The next day (today) i took it upon myself to stop playing the victim like i have in the past and set out to find the person who was supposed to help me. After a long search, and a brief confrontation, i found them, and now i will get what i need. The circumstances are less than ideal, but i will manage. I will not play the victim anymore. I have the power to direct my own destiny. Maybe […]

Im tired of being betrayed over and over again. Im in mexico rightnow and the Nice thing about that is you can walk into any pharmacy and buy just about whatever you want without a prescription. I think ill go grab me a ton of benzos and muscle relaxers and go for a nice long swim far out into the ocean tonight. Maybe ill make it back, maybe i wont, either way, should be an eventful night. If i make it back maybe ill take it as a sign that the time isnt right. Whatever, im a strong swimmer, so who knows. I guess it […]

Especially those who are supposed to be the ones who can help you the most. Even more so when youve already agreed on a treatment plan and a price and yet once you get there they have more important things to do. Not even important personal things, simply things theyd rather be doing than doing their job. They know how much money and time i invested in getting here, only to ignore me for something else they could do anytime. Im beginning to lose faith in those i trusted most. I dont know why i even try, but this will be the last time. My […]

Im feeling really fucking low right now and trying not to self destruct. Refer to my previous post for details. My trip to this country is beginning to look like it was a pointless waste of time and money, and is leaving me feeling worse than ever instead of being my salvation. How do i not just say fuck it and fall into old destructive habits. If it werent for my girlfriend and all the people who have faith in me id already be there. I just want to cry and simultaneosly(sp) hit something.

My soul is tired. Ive done so well and made so much progress only to be let down by those who helped me and those I trust most. Im not putting too much faith in those people. I traveled across the continent to do another round of treatment that helped me take back by life and become entirely independant in less than 6 months.

I had never been happier and more fullfilled. Now the depression is coming back so i quit my job, spent everything i had to come back, and even after arranging another treatment, here i am, and where are they? Ignoring me. […]

Not fellow posters, but the idiots who go around commenting on their friends threads with inane drivel, completely ignoring all the posts by people who could actually use encouragement. Anyways I’m in a bad mood so I’m lashing out. This place is poison sometimes though, God knows why I bother to stay around.

Well I’ve had a pretty good year. I mean I lost a best friend and my home and a bunch of other shit but it’s been a pretty good year. But here I am again, down in this deep dark hole, broke, alone, with no one but the walls to cry to. I fucking hate this time of year, too many bad memories. People always die this time of year, people I love and care about. I’m still waiting for the news to break that someone else I love is gone and I’ll never see them again. I wish I had even a few dollars […]